I'm not going to pretend I understand cockney, but it's very clever. I believe I have heard Berkeley Hunt a few times on TV.
I'm not technically a Cockney - born in sauf London, as I would say - but much rhyming slang is now fairly common, and new terms still appear. I saw a reference to "Hank Marvin" recently, from the sixties guitarist, meaning starving.
Lots of sexual references in rhyming slang. Cobblers, from cobblers awls means balls. Khyber, from Khyber Pass, means arse. (There was a comedy film called Carry on Up the Khyber.) Hampton, from Hampton Wick, means prick. There was a famous radio show in the fifties called The Goons. Apparently in one episode they had a character called Hugh Jampton. After a couple of weeks someone wrote to say, "You probably don't realise this, but that name sounds rude." Of course they knew, they'd all been in the army in WWII. Hugh Jampton sounds like Huge Hampton = big penis.
Oh, and I forgot Bristols, from Bristol City, hence titties. Another Carry On film, Carry on Henry, had the great Barbara Windsor as the daughter of the Duke of Bristol.
Fun story so far. I'm not a fan of the Regency stories although I have read Pride and Prejudice and Northanger Abbey. But this has a sense of rollicking farce about it.
Fun story so far. A small note (which you may freely ignore of course): a highborn woman of this time period would do everything she could to avoid a "sun-kissed" look. Tanning was associated with toiling outside in the sun all day, befitting only of the lower class.
You are absolutely right. I knew that and I wrote it anyway for some reason. In fact, it was the other girl, Frederica who would have more of a tan. The girls bully Frederica because she has less wealth than they do.
@Dormouse
There was a comedy film called Carry on Up the Khyber.
I have heard of the Carry On films and seen clips, there are like ten of them all starring the same guy, except for a few of the later ones.
6
Emily considered the hand of her opponent, the fire within her slowly burning out. With a sigh, she accepted Freddie’s hand and pulled herself out of the pond.
She did not release her hand though…
…Instead, she tugged Freddie in close and curled a punch into the scrawny girl’s stomach. Freddie’s eyes crossed as her breath was forcefully expelled from her body. She coughed, stooping forward, trying to hold onto Emily for support. “Woof!”
The winded girl whimpered as Emily seized her by the hair to stand her upright. Then she jammed her fingers down the cleavage of Frederica’s frayed yellow dress and callously yanked downward so that the delicate muslin fabric ripped apart. The dress came away altogether in shreds.
“Oh, she truly is a pixie!” Mr. Boucher admired. Indeed, while Frederica was of average height, everything about her figure was dainty and delicate. Slight torso, with small but well-shaped breasts, on slender long legs. Much like a painter might draw a fairy.
Emily restrained the smaller girl for a long time. making sure Mr. Boucher would be able to recall the memory of her nude body whenever he pleased. Then she kneed Freddie in the belly and shoved her into the pond. “Hoog!”
Freddie hit the water face first and came up sputtering and coughing. Her long raven hair clung to her face and shoulders as she gasped for breath. The petite girl cursed. She swam to the shore in time to snatch Emily’s bare leg and hauled the blonde back into the murky black water. The tall blonde yelled her own curse as she tumbled back into the pond making a big splash. “You bitch!”
Emily emerged facing away from Frederica, her face draped in golden hair that momentarily blinded her. Freddie capitalized by clutching the blonde by the hair, turning her about, and smashing her fist into the blonde's vulnerable tummy. “Ow! Let go…oooh!”
Emily defensively grabbed onto Frederica’s dark curls and yanked at her scalp. When Freddie raised her hands to try and disengage Emily she was punished with a punch to the gut that lifted her bare butt a few centimeters into the air. “Oof!”
Each girl had a hand tangled in each other’s hair. Without a stitch of cloth between them, there was nothing else but slick wet skin to try to hold on to. The punches were exhausting and painful but were the only viable attack either of them had. It was a vicious cycle neither Freddie nor Emily was willing to break. So they silently agreed to keep trading them until one of them got the upper hand.
“Bitch!” Frederica spat burying her arm wrist-deep into the walking beanpole.
“Ouph!” Emily was still trying to regain her breath from the last punishment her belly had endured when another blow found its way through. Emily threw her own punch catching the gator-mouthed walking stick in the belly button. “Little Whore!”
“Ugn!” Freddie grunted. Neither girl knew how to fight well and their punches were awkward and weak, but so were their bodies. She wouldn’t admit it but Emily’s body blows were absolutely devastating to her. Freddie couldn’t remember exactly why they were fighting either, except that she had always wanted to punch stupid Emily Stickles in her stupid mouth.
“Bitch!” Freddie swore, cutting up into Emily’s sternum. These seemed to really knock the wind out of the skinny blonde giving Frederica a moment of reprieve.
“What an embarrassing display,” Ana Chadbourne chastised her four younger sisters as they watched the young ladies tussle naked in the pond “and over a man. You will never see me act so foolishly over a scoundrel la Mr. Emerton!”
“Yes, sister.” Said Primrose, a year Ana’s junior.
“No matter how devilishly handsome he may be…” Ana added quietly under her breath.
“Little Whore!” Emily screamed, they were both out of creative expletives to hurl at each other.
She drove her knee up into her opponent's tiny midriff.
Freddie’s gut received the knee fully and her naked little body was lifted off the ground. “Oh… huh…huh!”
“My, they certainly do fight la wildcats don’t they?” Mr. Boucher said. He was entranced at the spectacle of the young ladies wrestling in the water. As they pulled, punched, and slapped the nude girls were a tantalizing mess of slender limbs and smooth white skin. Both were sobbing as Neither girl could gain the advantage or escape the grapple.
“Would you like an account of my evening with Ms. Chenoweth as well?” Gerard suggested.
“Oh god yes!” Said Mr. Boucher.
Freddie threw a wild punch that Emily was able to back away from. The blonde swung her own fist but the shorter girl ducked under it easily. They kicked at each other awkwardly, neither able to land a blow.”
“I say, Mr. Emerton.” Said Mr. Boucher brightening. “Look at how these girls hold the attention of all these people. I wonder if we could make money in the city by charging voyeurs to watch your former lovers wrestle each other.”
“Faith! You’ve discovered the secret of my fortune Mr. Boucher.” Gerard laughed, “nay, if we were to throw such events la once a week what would we do the second year?”
“Why that’s la a hundred women!” Mr. Boucher was both flustered and impressed. “I suppose you would have to sleep with some of them again to keep them angry. Maybe we could put on some tag team matches...”
“Did the little one just kick the big one in the groin?” Ms. Beerling exclaimed in disbelief.
“It was higher, between her legs.” Ms. Skawen corrected.
“Oh, poor Emily!” Cried Ms. Winche.
“Oh Em I’m sorry! it was an accident!” Freddie said sincerely. Even among girls, there were lines that shouldn’t be crossed.
Fire erupted in Emily Stickles' lady box as the tibia of Freddie’s leg landed with a thump between her thighs. The blonde’s eyes crossed and her face turned red. She threw her hands over her honey pot and keeled over on the dirt bank of the small garden moat. “Little Whore…”
Emily lay there sobbing, questioning her recent life choices. Frederica started to stumble towards Emily but turned and collapsed face down on the other bank holding her stomach and moaning. “Oooh! Bitch…”
The girls were nude, bare skin shiny with water and perspiration as they both lay breathing hard and nearly unconscious on either side of the pond.
countrymouse wrote: ↑Fri Apr 15, 2022 7:42 pm
I have heard of the Carry On films and seen clips, there are like ten of them all starring the same guy, except for a few of the later ones.
Lots more than that. Wikipedia lists 40 films, although two didn't have "Carry On" in the title.
They didn't all have exactly the same cast, but there were regulars. Barbara Windsor was in many, as was Sid James. James was actually South African but had a distinctly London accent. There was a stage show in London a few years ago about the relationship between James and Windsor when both were married to other people, she to an East End gangster.
Others were the camp Kenneth Williams and Charles Hawtrey, who was apparently an alcoholic.
By the seventies, more explicit sex comedies started being made, such as the Confessions Of series - full frontal female nudity and all - and they started to fall out of fashion.
7
“Ms. Stickles!” Cried Ms. Brightley. “Are you alright?”
Emily’s friends helped her sit up straight. She looked over herself for injury but found nothing that would amount to more than a bruise.
“Oh, poor Emily! I would just die if I lost my garments in front of all these eligible men!” Declared Ms. Winche “You must be mortified! Are you mortified? I would be mortified!”
“Are you still alive?” Ms. Stickles called. Then she added “Whore.”
On the other bank, Ms. Chenoweth was on her back with her arms wrapped around her belly. She patiently waited to regain her breath as she watched the clouds roll across the sky. It had rained that morning and it was always a beautiful day after it rains.
“Huff! …Ms. Stickles… Huff!” Freddie answered between shallow breaths. She had thought of a clever retort but all that came out was “Bitch!”
The girls sat like that for a few minutes, too tired to bother covering themselves up. Then Emily was the first to rouse herself. She waved Ms. Brightley and Ms. Winche away and waded through the water to the other bank. Frederica had almost passed out till once again she was being manhandled. Emily was unable to drag the tiny brunette across the ground, but the pain of having her hair yanked forced Freddie to get to her feet.
Gerard Emerton received a poke in the shoulder. He turned to see an angry red, almost black, haired woman, glaring up at him with her face scrunched up like a pug. This was Ana Chadbourne, a girl he knew in passing, who had the reputation of being a bullheaded shrew whose worldly cleverness made educated men uncomfortable. It had been some time since he had seen Ana, and he would now add “breathtakingly beautiful” to the list of ways to describe her.
“Mr. Emerton this has gone on quite long enough.” She chastised. Ana, he would learn, always seemed to have a strand of hair loose that Gerard couldn’t help but follow with his eyes as she spoke. Positively vexing. “It’s bad enough that those poor girls had to suffer a night in your bed, now they have put on the most embarrassing show trying to win your attention back. I insist you put a stop to this…”
“You have certainly gained my attention dear Ana, may I call on you sometime?” Gerard said brushing her cheek with his hand as he nestled that infuriating fiber of hair behind her ear.
Ana’s eyes went wide as saucers and her complexion turned as red as her hair. She squealed quietly, then turned to leave without another word.
To Mr. Boucher, he said, “I believe I’ve just met my next jilted fiance.”
“No Ms. Stickles!” Ms. Brightley called. Emily towed Ms. Chenoweth by her raven locks to the edge of the upper gardens where it met a wall and dropped off suddenly. Two meters below them was where the lawn began. It had rained through the night and morning leaving substantial mud holes on the ground. If you asked Emily, Freddie would look very attractive wearing some of that muck. “She’s going to throw Freddie over the rim!”
“They are both going over” affirmed Gerard watching Frederica windmilling her arms at Emily trying to extricate herself. “Freddie weighs nothing, a man could pick her up easily, but Ms. Stickles doesn’t have the upper body strength. There they go… ”
“Release me you giant gollumpus!” Frederica was too light to overcome Emily in a wrestling bout, and she could not batter her way out of the larger girl’s clench. As Mr. Emerton had reckoned their scuffling led to both naked girls toppling over the lip. They each went pitchpole, stern over bow, dropping roughly into the muddy slush.
8
The two girls were a magnificent sight. Their dainty, naked bodies appeared to float for a brief instant. They fell the height of a tall man, then landed prostrate, stretched out with their pretty faces planted in the mire. Directly they rolled over onto their backs freshly winded,
wrapping their bare arms around their tummies puffing for breath.
“Gross!” Emily balled. Her blonde hair had turned to chocolate and was draped over her face so that her bright blue eyes stood out “I rub it off, and more appears! It’s getting everywhere!”
“p-too!” Frederica spat out a mouthful of mud. It had the consistency of clay, slippery and sticky, coating her in a slick, wet second skin of cocoa. Her black, voluminous hair was now matted to her head and shoulders. “Everywhere, yet somehow I can’t get it to conceal my teat.”
They may as well have been walking on ice, feet tripping and sliding as they faced off once more. Emily attempted to slap the side of Freddie’s face but got nowhere near her target and pancaked back into the mud pit.
As Emily dislodged her head from the muck, Freddie was on top of her pushing her face back down. Freddie put her knee on the blonde’s back and wrenched one of her long legs towards Emily’s head. This stretched her hamstring and abdomen causing Emily to writhe. She reached behind her and jerked unsparingly on Freddie’s hair forcing her to give up her grip. “Get… your hands… off of me!”
“Whoah!” From the ground, Emily took hold of Freddie’s calves and hoisted the slight girl up over her shoulders. Freddie went heel over head and landed in the sludge on her back. The blonde wrapped her long legs around the girl's neck, hooking her feet together. The small girl wiggled and kicked but try as she might, Frederica was unable to pry her bird-legs loose. “Ugn!”
“You’re doing good Ms. Stickles!” Ms. Brightley cheered.
Emily turned on her side, trapping Freddie’s arm under her, and reapplying the scissors, this time putting a foot behind her knee for a tighter lock. Freddie brought up both her knees defensively as Emily pounded a few punches into her unguarded belly “Ooh no! Ouph!”
“Eh wot?” The blonde boasted, flexing her arm like strongmen do to show off her bicep. “Didn’t know you were tussling with the Pink of the Ton did you?”
“What are you going to do about it?” The dominant blonde caught her captives' nearest leg between her upper arm and ribs. With that same arm, she had a hold of Freddie’s other wrist. Tightening the overall restraint. It took nearly a minute of kicking and wiggling for the naked pixie to get her leg under Emily’s shoulder and slacken the hold.
The blonde moved to a sitting position protecting herself from the petite wildcats' kicks. Frederica was trying to fit her arms between Emily’s thighs to free her head but Ms. Stickles was fully in control. She had Freddie flat on her back and sat on the smaller girl's chest, once again locking her feet together, so that she was looking at Emily’s backside. Then she jammed her elbow into the girl's stomach and put all of her superior weight into it. “Uhhh…”
Emily moved her legs from Freddie’s neck to wrap around the girl’s waist. Emily wedged her feet under Freddie's knees and forced her to spread her legs wide. She was trapped there for several seconds, very aware of what the people watching the fight could see.
“Mph!” Then Emily bowed Freddie forward, digging her knees into the girl's hamstrings, pushing her abductors beyond their limits, and pressing her face into the mud. Frederica thrashed her arms and screamed into the dirt as she was forced into the straddle splits. As a child, she stretched every night but she had lost much of that flexibility and she was never able to go completely flat like this. Emily pressed her into the mud further by sitting on Freddie’s
butt and pulling her wrists back. “Ahhh!”
“My, that is provocative!” exclaimed Mr. Boucher. “Who would gauge that two girls playing in the moat would be so thrilling!”
“Indeed.” said Gerard, “Now see. That is a beautifully executed Scorpion Hold.”
“Nyah!” The blonde turned around wrapping Freddie’s skinny legs together before bending Freddie’s lower body at a painful angle. This put an incredible amount of strain on the tiny girl’s thigh extensor, lower rectus abdominis, and longissimus. Freddie howled in torment pushing herself off the ground to relieve the strain, but it got worse…
…Emily lowered her back to the ground and lifted her pelvis to bridge her weight to her shoulders at one end and feet at the other. Freddie bellowed as her back was curved so that her feet were touching her shoulder blades. “Eee!”
At last, Emily got off of her. She put her hands on her hips and leaned over to engage her diaphragm and catch her breath. Freddie lay in the mud holding her back and inner thighs, moaning. She got up into a stumbling run, but only limped a few steps before Emily tackled her legs and both girls tumbled facewards into the clay.
“However, I do think it’s past time for me to be involved,” said Gerard rolling up his sleeves. “We wouldn’t want the girls to do anything they couldn’t live down.”
The blonde got on top of Freddie again and plowed her knee between the girl’s legs. Then withdrew and did it again. Freddie burst into tears as a wave of anguish went through her pelvis. “Oooh!”
9
“... and they’re back to pulling each other's hair,” Gerard said, sounding bored.
“Let go of me!” Emily screeched. The mud-soaked girls were on their knees and digging their claws into each other’s tangled matted locks.
“I’ll let go when you let go!” Freddie wailed. This was the most physical activity they had done in their lives and they were both beyond exhausted. Not willing to surrender. Also not willing to escalate the fight again by throwing a punch or slap.
Gerard stepped out into the sludge, able to navigate it much easier with his boots. He seized Frederica by the elbow and pulled her off of Emily, throwing her clear of the mud. There was a large crowd gathered, many of them carrying water buckets. “No! I’m winning!”
“Eek!” As soon as she straightened up the staff and party-goers tossed the contents of their buckets at her. The petite vixen closed her eyes as chilled water slammed into her face and chest. cleaning the mud from her skin. A second and third round of water mostly washed away the mud. Freddie sputtered and stumbled, as naked as Eve after she ate the apple.
Emily was having a good laugh at Freddie’s expense, but Gerard got a hold of her too. She screamed with indignation as the eager staff pummeled her with cold water over and over. To Mr. Emerton's credit, the staff would remember this as the best day of work in their entire careers.
“No! Mr. Emerton what are you going to do to me?” Emily was no match for Gerard’s masculine strength as he dragged her up the steps.
“You stay!” He commanded firmly as though she were a dog. For some reason she obeyed, making no move to escape, and lingered there holding her hands over her most interesting parts.
Frederica was laughing now, “Now you’ll get a whuppin’ Ms. Stickles!”
“Oh don’t think you’re getting out of this little Freddie.” Gerard scolded. The petite girl tried to run but the man quickly caught her and dragged her over to where Ms. Stickles was awaiting her punishment.
“Don’t you lay a hand on me, Mr. Emerton!” Warned Ms. Chenoweth. The girls stood next to each other, sopping wet, naked as a pair of jaybirds.
Gerard ignored her complaints clutching both girls by the wrists and taking a seat at one of the stone benches. He draped Emily, ass up, over his lap, then pulled Freddie on top of her at an angle and gave each rump a firm spank. “Ow!”
“Ooh!” said old Mrs. Beerling excitedly, she reached into her handbag and produced a high-quality hairbrush “Here is a comb, to beat the ladies with Mr. Emerton.”
“Mrs. Beerling,” Gerard conspired, “Did you bring this to the party hoping there would be some spanking?”
“It’s made of tempered bone! Much harder than wood!” old Mrs. Beerling giggled.
“Now your kicking and yelling will do you no good girls.” Gerard reprimanded as he brought down the comb in a practiced rhythm.
“Oh!” Frederica objected, the harsh cuffs thrusting her little figure forward. “Stop it!”
“Ow! Ow! Ow! I can’t bear it!” Emily fussed, tossing her flaxen hair and cutely kicking her thin, smooth, long legs.
“Oh! You brute! Ow!” Gerard Emerton distributed the blows evenly across both girls' bottoms. Merrily administering discipline with sharp crisp whacks.
After a dozen such swats, Gerard asked. “How old are you girls?”
“Emily’s nineteen,” said Ms. Winche helpfully, “I believe Freddie is the same.”
“Ow! Shut your whore mouth Ms. Winche! Ow!” Emily berated, giving her friend a murderous look.
“Oh my!” said Ms. Winche, taken aback by her friend's vulgarity, but then understanding came over her, “Oh poor Emily!”
