Letter to the Editor

[spelvin]

Dear Gymnopede Newsletter:

One time when I was in Mrs. Karlsson’s first grade class, I turned my back on her, not realizing that she was talking to me.

I quickly realized my mistake and apologized. She said, “That’s okay, I think you have a cute bottom.” She punctuated the last word with an affectionate slap.

By the time I reached fifth grade, Mrs. Karlsson was transferred to the higher grades, so I was in her class again. One day, I stood at her desk and started to read my book report from a sheet of paper.

After a couple of sentences, she said, “That’s nice, George, but could you turn to the class and read your report? I think you have something nice to show them.”

Mrs. Karlsson is very savvy in the art of working with gymnopedes. She not only knows that we like to be admired, but also knows the subtle differences between admiring a younger boy, who likes to be cute, and admiring an older boy, who liked to be virile.

Since we were in the first stages of the practice of male nudity in the schools, even the most well-meaning women teachers are afraid to voice their feelings. This fear has several causes, and I shall now address those fears one by one.

Firstly, a woman teacher might feel guilty of infidelity toward her mate. But admiration toward children and love for one’s mate are not the same thing. It is instinctive for adults to admire children. Adults admire children not as mates for themselves, but as mates for the next generation.

Don’t worry, Mrs. Karlsson, if I ever meet your husband, I won’t say a word.

Secondly, a woman teacher might feel obligated to concentrate on the reading and writing and ‘rithmetic, and not even notice anything else about the students. But this is wrong. Students like to be recognized for their many facets. Take, for instance, my cousin Kevin, He likes for teachers to know that he is is a champion athlete.

Thirdly, a woman teacher might believe that there are strict rules regarding looking at nude boys. When Mrs. Skygg was first hired, she thought she was forbidden to look at boys’ genitals. But the boys noticed that she sometimes accidentally looked in that direction for a fraction of a second. They would take the occasion to shake a finger and say something in a pseudo-affectionate voice. “I saw that, you naughty thing!” Not realizing that the boys were merely teasing her, she only became more adamant in her false belief that boys’ genitals were out of bounds.

But then the second year began. The three-month vacation gave some of the boys plenty of time to grow rather pilosebaceous. One of the boys in her first period class came to her and said, “What do you think? Do you notice anything different?”

Mrs. Skygg asked, “About what?”

The boy stood proudly before his teacher and answered only with a frozen smile. Mrs. Skygg said, “Oh, very nice, Matteo. I see you’ve grown some body hair. I see hair on your arms and hair on your chest—”

“But you’re looking in the wrong place. I’ve grown the most hair on my—”

Mrs. Skygg looked down. “Oh, yes, you have hair on your— on your—”

Matteo said, “The word is penis.”

Mrs. Skygg said, “Oh, yes, you have hair on your penis! It looks very nice!”

Word got around until every pubescent boy in Mrs. Skygg’s classes heard the story. By the end of the first week, Mrs. Skygg had the most delightful classroom breaks in the school.

Any boys reading this letter, don’t think I’m letting you off easy. Boys can do more for the cause too. Many of my male classmates claim to enjoy being nude only in presence of girl classmates, but I don’t believe them.

Boys enjoy being naked in the presence of other naked boys. We know this because skinny-dipping dates back as far as we can trace.

Boys enjoy being naked in the presence of adult males. I am thinking of my cousin Kevin, who spars with one of the athletic coaches every time the coach calls him co-Tex. The coach argues that my cousin is not quite big enough to call Tex, so he has to call him co-Tex.

And why do they play-fight with each other? Some might say that they have suppressed hostilities toward each other. Maybe so, but when we look at the Animal Kingdom, we see another explanation. There, we also see rough-and-tumble play between adult males and juvenile males. That strengthens the juveniles for the day when they have to protect the herd from enemies or predators. So it serves an evolutionary function.

And what about little children? When little children flip my pendulum back and forth, their parents get upset. But they don’t have to stop their children on my account. I am proud to serve the boys as an example of what they will look like someday, and to serve the girls as an example of what their male colleagues will look like someday.

And besides, I think it’s kind of cute.

And now back to the subject of adult women: Some boys don’t like to admit that they like to be seen by women out of fear of being accused of having an Oedipus complex.

But it is perfectly healthy for boys to seek approval from adult women. Their approval serves two important functions. Number one: It indicates that it was all right for them to show, and that it was even all right for them to enjoy showing. Some religious leaders may say otherwise, but I say they are wrong.

Number two: it also assures the boys that they were succeeding in the mating ritual which the mommies, the boys, the girls, and the swimming coaches are performing. All over the Animal Kingdom, we see mating rituals with amazing parallels with our own nude swim meets.

Of course, our culture does not mate our young people until they reach the late teens and twenties, but it is never too early to start practicing.

And now, I leave a question for all of you: Have you hugged your naked boy today?

Your loving relative,
George Engstrom