Mrs. Grundy

[spelvin]

The Engstrom sisters were real go-getters. First, they made nudity obligatory for all the boys at nearby Camp Raphaos, which they owned and operated.

Then they went to work on the boys at the school in Littleford. That was where Lucretia, the oldest, was the phys ed teacher, Susan was the counsellor, and Elizabeth, the youngest, was the performing arts teacher. Thanks to their influence, nearly every boy in the school was attending school naked. Persons looking out the windows of their homes were not surprised if they saw a boy walking to or from school with no clothes on. When summer was approaching, clothing scores set up racks for boys’ swimsuits and boys’ shorts, but soon recognized their mistake.

The sight of a clothed boy came to be regarded as indecent. Merchants posted signs which said “No angiopedes allowed” and “No boys wearing clothes!”

Boys were now seen not as naked, but nude. Boys visited friends and family nude. Boys entered places of business nude. Boys attended church and Sunday school nude. Boys attended sports programs and day camps nude. When the swimming program printed their brochure, they did not waste any ink in specifying the boys’ attire, because the parents already knew.

The camping season at Camp Raphaos was to begin in a few weeks, but that left time for Lucretia’s son George and Elizabeth’s son Kevin to do some reading. Both boys were both locally famous, so everyone noticed when they walked in the library.

A small girl rushed up to Kevin and took his hand. The girl led Kevin to the children’s corner and Kevin followed. “George, this is Katrina. She lives next door to us.”

At the children’s corner, a cheerful woman said, “Kevin, I hope you didn’t mind Katrina darting out like that. I tried to stop her.”

“My pleasure, Mrs. Hoflich. George, this is Mrs. Hoflich, Katrina’s mom.”

Mrs. Hoflich and George exchanged greetings.

Katrina led Kevin to a corner and pulled on his arm as a signal to sit down. Katrina sat in Kevin’s lap and Kevin began reading the book which Katrina had chosen.

Another mother with another small girl came out of the children’s bookshelves. The daughter was holding a couple of children’s books and the mother was holding a few more. The mother sat down and began a conversation with Mrs. Hoflich in their native language. The girl gravitated toward George.
The girl knelt in George’s lap, facing George. With one hand, the girl felt his shoulders, his arms, and his torso.

She got up from position and felt George’s thighs. A second after she began to explore George’s pubic area, her mother shouted, “Hannah, no!” After a nervous laugh, she told George, “We live in an all-female household.”

George said, “Oh, that’s all right.”

George started to read a requested book to Hannah, but noticed Katrina’s mother and Hannah’s mother standing up. Katrina’s mother said, “We must be on our way. We appreciate what you boys did for our children.”

“Quite all right!” “Quite all right!”

George and Kevin looked at each other. “In all that confusion, I forgot what I came in here for.”

“I did too.”

George said, “Oh, now I remember. I haven’t seen Louisa for several months, so I have no idea what she looks like now. I want to prepare for any surprises.” Louisa was George’s girlfriend from Camp Raphaos.
Kevin said, “And I want to know why our lives have been so exciting for us and for everybody else. What’s the big deal about boys with no clothes on?”

George said, “But that’s awfully personal. What are we going to ask the librarian?”

Kevin said, “Oh, I know: how about ‘physical child development’ and ‘psychological child development’?”

The two boys walked to the front desk and made their requests. The librarian gave George a note saying “612.6” and gave Kevin a note saying “155.4.”

While looking through the stacks, George saw a woman whom he recognized from church. “How do you do, Mrs. Kirkman?”

Mrs. Kirkman said, “I’m just fine, George, how are you?” She gave George an affectionate dorsal slap.

“Oh, you like my butt?”

“I sure do. I’ve never seen such a cute butt.”

“There’s Kevin over there. I don’t want him to get jealous.”

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t.” Whereupon Mrs. Kirkman walked over to Kevin and offered him a similar greeting.

There was a line of people at the front counter, so the two boys had to wait. They saw a sign announcing a three-day seminar on Persuading People to Your Point of View, taught by none other than their Aunt Susan.

George said, “Hey! She didn’t tell us about that!”

Kevin said, “Yes, but do you think we really need it? We’ve convinced all the parents in the county that boys should go naked. Who else do we need to convince?”

Mrs. Grundy came in and put up a poster with her picture on it. The poster was headlined NAKED BOYS: PATHWAY TO PERDITION! According to the poster, Mrs. Grundy was to speak at the local park on two different dates.

After looking at the poster, George said, “Does that answer your question?”

They looked again at the dates for the seminar and compared them with the dates for Mrs. Grundy’s speech. They found that Mrs. Grundy’s speech was later than the seminar, but still left time for Camp Raphaos.
They looked at each other in wide-eyed wonder and exclaimed in unison, “Great!”

When they got to the head of the line, George checked out his books on physical child development and Kevin checked out his books on psychological child development.

* * * * *

Aunt Susan used a pointer to point to a page on the flipchart. “Number one: ‘Listen to the other person’s objections and try to understand what they are really concerned about.’ This is called ‘reflective listening.’ Now I would like for you to pair off and practice this.”

George and Kevin paired off. George said, “Perverts! All of you! That’s all you are! Perverts! God’s going to rain fire down on Littleford just as surely as he rained fire down on Sodom and Gomorrah!”

Kevin said, “You’re the one God’s going to rain fire down on, for being so bigoted.”

George said, “Hold it there. Is that what you’re going to say to Mrs. Grundy?”

Kevin said, “No, but that’s what I’ll feel like saying. Let’s try that again.”

George said, “Perverts! All of you! That’s all you are! Perverts! God’s going to rain fire down on Littleford just as surely as he rained fire down on Sodom and Gomorrah!”

Kevin said, “So you’re concerned about the well-being of the children in this county. I think that’s wonderful. I’m concerned about their well-being too.”

George said, “That’s better.”

* * * * *

The next day, Aunt Susan pointed to number two on the flipchart. “Understand the other person’s objections and validate how they feel about the issue.”

George said, “Letting children go naked will lead to child abuse!”

Kevin looked at a piece of paper which he brought to the seminar. “I agree. I feel very strongly about child abuse leading to fear, anxiety, depression, anger and hostility, aggression, and inappropriate behavior. We know that frequently reported long-term effects include depression and self-destructive behavior, anxiety, feelings of isolation and stigma, poor self-esteem, difficulty in trusting others, a tendency toward revictimization, substance abuse, and maladjustment.”

George laughed. “Wow! That’s quite a list!”

* * * * *

The next day, Aunt Susan pointed to number three on the flipchart. “Find a common goal in the other
person’s objections and convince them your way is a viable solution to the agreed problem. Use facts and share your view on a solution to what you agree is the problem.”

George took a piece of paper out of his pocket. He unfolded it and said, “You know those reading and math scores that adults are always talking about? Well look here. These are the reading and math scores before the boys started going naked and these are the reading and math scores afterward.”

Kevin said, “Cool!”

At the end of the class session, Aunt Susan opened the floor for any last-minute questions. George said, “We are to use this technique whenever someone disagrees with us, right?”

“Right.”

George said, “How about the time that you and Aunt Lucretia and my mom appeared on television with Doctor Cane?” The Engstrom sisters were not very diplomatic when they were interviewed with a very opinionated newspaper columnist.

Aunt Susan looked at George with a smug expression. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

* * * * *

The park was crowded with men, women, boys, and girls, and every one of the boys was nude. Mrs. Grundy was in the gazebo with some fellow parishioners of hers. She introduced them one by one and the crowd applauded. “At Eastboro Church, we believe that you should ‘train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.’ So we’re concerned that the parents in this community have not been training their children in the way they should go.

“We see people calling themselves Christians who aren’t really Christians. We see people calling themselves Christians go to movies. Some people who call themselves Christians dance. Some people who call themselves Christians drink coffee. Some people who call themselves Christians go to the Presbyterian church. Some people who call themselves Christians vote Democrat. Some people who call themselves Christians do all sorts of things which are reprehensible in the eyes of God. At Eastboro Church, we do none of those things, because we know they are sinful.”

* * * * *

Mrs. Grundy was the Engstrom family’s dinner guest. After dinner, Mrs. Grundy joined the three sisters in the living room while the two boys sat on the floor. Clarissa and Claretta were Susan’s two daughters, who were younger than George and Kevin. Whenever the family gathered in the living room, they climbed all over George and Kevin and explored their bodies.

Everyone listened while Mrs. Grundy repeated most of what she said at the park. She said, “Boys, we are very concerned about you.”

George smiled. “Oh, thank you.”

“And we think you should be treated with loving kindness, both here and away from home.”

Kevin smiled. “Oh, thank you.”

Mrs. Grundy looked Lucretia in the face. “We don’t think it’s right for you to beat the children. We think there are better ways of handling children’s misbehavior.”

The boys looked puzzled, but did not say anything.

“And we don’t think it’s right for you to force children to function like married couples, especially without any kind of protection. And we don’t think it’s right for you to lock up and starve any child who tries to say no.”

George and Kevin said “What?” in unison.

Mrs. Grundy continued. “And we don’t think it’s right to serve alcohol and illegal drugs to children.”

The boys looked puzzled again. Apparently they did not remember any such thing.

George asked, “You must have heard a lot about that camp. Tell me more. Did they beat us with a stick or with their fists?”

Mrs. Grundy said, “I don’t know. I’ve just heard that they beat you—on the back. Have you carried any marks from getting beaten?”

George said, “I don’t think so. Do you want to take a look? Excuse me, Clarissa.” George stood up for a moment. Kevin said, “Excuse me, Claretta.” Kevin stood up for a moment.

Kevin asked, “And what did they lock us up in?”

“I’m not sure. I heard one person say it was in a cage and another person said it was in a prison cell.”

Kevin said, “I don’t know either. Maybe they use both cages AND prison cells. And who said we got all that instruction about the birds and the bees?”

“A person at my church said that someone in another town said that.”

George said, “Which town was that?”

“They weren’t sure.”

Kevin said, “And the drugs?”

“Someone in another town rushed their child to a hospital as soon as the child got home.”

George said, “Which town was that?”

“They weren’t sure about that either.”

George said, “I’m sorry you heard all these stories. I really liked camp last summer, and I look forward to going again next summer.”

The supply of rumors was now exhausted, so Kevin asked, “Mrs. Grundy, tell us, why do you feel this way about naked boys? Has a naked boy ever hurt you?” By this time, Claretta had handled Kevin’s phallus until it stood straight up.

Mrs. Grundy looked down and said, “Just about.”

“Can you tell us about it?”

Mrs. Grundy’s mood changed. “It was when I was growing up. It was on the edge of town, where there was a pond. The boys skinny-dipped every summer. I would go with the other girls to hide in the bushes and giggle. The boys never noticed, or at least they pretended not to.

“But then one day, the other girls were off to camp so I went out there by myself. Then I noticed that instead of swimming, they were sitting still in the water. I couldn’t see what they were doing. Then they all got out of the water, and came to where I was hiding. They had evil looks on their faces and they said things like ‘Hey, baby, how ya doin’!’ And their penises were all big and ugly, like yours is right now.”

Kevin probably wanted to say, “My penis is NOT ugly!” But then he found more compassionate words. “That must have been frightening for you.”

“It was. I ran all the way home. I had nightmares about that for a long time afterward. I still do, sometimes.”

Kevin said, “Do you think they were really going to hurt you? Or were they just pretending? Claretta, quite teasing me. It’s scaring Mrs. Grundy.”

“I don’t know. And I didn’t want to find out.”

Susan said, “It was interesting that they never threatened you when you were in a group, but only when you were by yourself.”

Lucretia said, “Bullies are cowards, aren’t they!”

When it seemed to be time to change the subject, George showed Mrs. Grundy the charts. “Have you seen these charts? These are the local reading and math scores BEFORE we started coming to school naked, and these are the scores AFTER we started coming to school naked.”

“Excuse me.” Mrs. Grundy took the charts and made some more notes in her notebook.

George stood up. “So there is a wrong way to see naked children, and there is a right way to see naked children.” He crawled in his mother’s lap and put his arm around her. He looked straight at Mrs. Grundy. “We don’t understand all that talk about glands and hormones, but we understand nudity. We like our mommies drying us off after a bath and telling us how beautiful we are. We like our parents keeping bare-bottom snapshots to remember how beautiful we are. We like our mommies throwing swim parties and showing the girls how beautiful we are. We like the girls at school teasing us and reminding us how beautiful we are.
“We think our bodies are beautiful and need to be seen. We want you to see our arms and legs. We want you to see what is usually covered by a shirt. And yes, we want you to see those parts which some people call private parts.

“So I hope you enjoy seeing what I’m sharing with you. I hope you enjoy seeing what Kevin is sharing with you. And I hope you enjoy seeing what all the boys in Littleford are sharing with you.”

Mrs. Grundy was barely able to speak. “Yes, I do.” Mrs. Grundy slowly stood up, so everyone else stood up.

“I have to run. I had a good meal, we had a good discussion, but I don’t want to keep you any longer.”

George and his mother escorted Mrs. Grundy to the door. “George, you have a beautiful suntan. You too, Kevin, you have a beautiful suntan.” Mrs. Grundy walked out the door.

George said, “I thought she was going to say ‘I’d like to see more of you.’”

Elizabeth said, “I thought she was, too.”

George said, “Next summer, I’ll look around that place where you locked us up.”

Kevin said, “And I’ll look around for that supply of drugs and alcohol.”

Clarissa said, “And I’ll see if any campers come down with venison disease.”

Claretta said, “And I’ll see if any girls get pregenerated.”

Later, after everyone else left, Elizabeth commented, “You haven’t crawled in my lap in years, George.”
George said, “No, but I’ve sure felt like it.”

* * * * *

At the park, there was a crowd comparable to that attending Mrs. Grundy’s first speech. There were men, women, boys, and girls, and again, the boys clad only in Nature’s garb.

Mrs. Grundy began her speech with some of the fire and brimstone which she used in the speech before. Then she said, “And what child abuse lead to? Fear! Anxiety! Depression! Anger! Hostility!”

While she was proceeding down the list, Kevin said, “Gosh! She does that even better than I did!”
After finishing the list, Mrs. Grundy went on. “But there is a right way to admire naked children and a wrong way to admire naked children. Let me show you this chart. Here are the local reading and math scores from last year, and here are the reading and math scores from this year.

George said, “Wow! She had professional work done on that chart!”

“You see the difference? The girls’ scores went up because they got to look at the boys, and the boys’ scores went up because they got to show to the girls. So there is a wrong way to see naked children, and there is a right way to see naked children. Children don’t understand very much about the birds and the bees but they understand nudity.”

A tear appeared in Mrs. Grundy’s eye. “They like their mommies drying them off after a bath and telling them how beautiful they are. They like their parents keeping bare-bottom snapshots to remember how beautiful they are. They like their mommies throwing swim parties and showing the girls how beautiful they are. They like the girls at school teasing them and reminding them how beautiful they are.”

Mrs. Grundy took out a handkerchief. “I think these boys’ bodies are beautiful and need to be seen. They want us to see their arms and legs. They want us to see what is covered by a shirt. And yes, they want us to see those parts which some people call private parts.”

She could barely speak through her sobs. “So I hope you enjoy seeing what the boy next to you is sharing with you. I hope you enjoy seeing what the boy in front of you is sharing with you. And I hope you enjoy seeing what all the boys in Littleford are sharing with you. Thank you.”

There was generous applause.

* * * * *

Elizabeth greeted Lucretia, Susan, Kevin, and Clarissa at the front door. “Shall we all go in the living room?”
They all sat down in the living room. Miss Elizabeth asked Miss Lucretia, “Can’t Claretta come?”

Susan said, “No, we were afraid Claretta would get bored with all this rehearsal.”

Elizabeth said, “George, your Aunt Lucretia has decided, and I agree, that boys should be required to go naked not only in school, but all year long.”

Lucretia said, “That’s right. Last summer we ALLOWED boys to go nude, but allowing isn’t enough. We still saw a few boys wearing shorts, or boys wearing T-shirts, and I don’t want the girls to see that again.”
George smiled. “I like that. When they MADE us go to school naked last year, somehow that was more fun than it was year before last when they only ALLOWED us.”

“George, we are going to talk this over, and while we do that, there is something which we would like for the three of you to do.

“We need for the county commissioners to pass this law, but the county commissioners are all men. We think women will be more sympathetic to this than men, so we’re going to throw a tea party for the wives, but we don’t want to make it too obvious. We’ll invite a few other ladies too.”

“Why don’t you invite Mrs. Grundy? I think we’ve won her over.”

“Good idea!”

“What do you need from us?”

“I was just getting around to that. Your mother phoned me last night and said that you gave a really rousing speech when Mrs. Grundy came to visit. But she thought we need to present the case from a girl’s point of view too. And your sitting in your mother’s lap added to the sentiment. So we would like for Clarissa to give a speech like yours, only from a girl’s point of view, and acting all lovey-dovey with Kevin.”

George said, “I think that would be kinda cute!”

“We think so too. I was just getting around to telling you how we need you. You know how to give a rousing speech, and you know how to change people’s minds, so we think you could offer Clarissa some advice.”

George puffed out his chest. “Oh, yes! I’m older and wiser!”

The three children stayed in the living room to rehearse and the two adults went to the dining room to discuss other points of business.

George said, “Now Clarissa, the first thing you need to remember is make it look spontaneous.”

“Make it look what?”

“Spontaneous. Make it look real rather than planned. If you ignore Kevin and then run across the room to him when the time comes, they’ll know it was planned. You need to make some little displays from time to time. Sit in a chair, Kevin. Now Clarissa, come up to him and put both your hands on both of his knees. Now look up to him. Remind him he’s taller than you are. And hold your chin up and make a great big smile. That’s perfect. That makes him look like he’s bigger and better than you are. And while you’re doing that, jump a couple of times, because children are always jumping.

“And a couple of times you need to pass by where Kevin is sitting and flip his penis a few times—or whatever you call it.”

“I call it his dickey.”

“Okay, flip his dickey a few times. No, that’s overdoing it. You need to act a little timid about it, look like you don’t know what it is.

“Good! That’s perfect! Now. For the beginning of the speech, you need to be somewhere close to Kevin. You could be standing next to him with your hand on his knee and looking into space and acting bored, you and Kevin could be slapping and punching and giggling, you could be doing anything close to Kevin, so that you could get in his lap without making it look like the whole thing is planned, which it is.

“But there’s just one problem: we won’t know when our mommies want you to begin the speech. So we’ll plan some way for our mommies to give us the signal. Leading into the speech is almost as important as the speech itself.”

“And then what do I do?”

“Don’t jump in his lap and let that look like it was planned. Slowly crawl in his lap while you’re beginning the speech, and then sit on his knee. Good, you’re wearing a short skirt today. While you’re sitting on his knee, make sure your undies show. No, don’t look down to see if they show, make it look like it’s an accident.”

Clarissa looked puzzled. “Why?”

“Because if it looks like an accident that your panties are showing, you’ll look naïve and innocent.”

Clarissa looked angry. “I’m not naïve and innocent.”

“Maybe not, but we want the ladies at the party to think so.”

From where George was sitting, he reached for a pen and notebook on the coffee table. “But for now, we need to go to the work on the speech itself. First of all, it’s good to start with a catchy anecdote. What could make a good anecdote?”

The three children discussed a good anecdote and George wrote it down. They rehearsed the anecdote until Clarissa was confident and the boys were satisfied.

“The next thing you need to do is to tie it in to the subject.” That too was rehearsed and written in the notebook.

“Now for the main part of the speech, you need to give a few reasons why you think it is important for boys to go naked. Some people think it’s just because you like to look at boys’ whachamacallits, but I’m sure there are more reasons. And it will be catchy and easy to follow if begin or end with the same words for each reason.”

Clarissa gave a few reasons, and George put them on a list. Clarissa repeated this part of the speech until she could do it without any uh’s or ah’s.

“And finally, you need to make one great big send-off.” That too was given serious work.

Elizabeth and Lucretia came into the room. Miss Elizabeth said, “Are we ready for the big show?”

George said, “We sure are. Sit down and make yourselves at home.”

Kevin was still sitting in a chair. Clarissa was standing between his legs, hitting and slapping Kevin and getting hit and slapped in return.

George stood up, clasped his hands together, and said with an affected smile, “Good evening, Mrs. Grundy. I just looooved your speech last summer. I haven’t seen you in a long time, Mrs. Johnson, how is your daughter doing in college? Oh, really? Oooooh, I’m so happy for both of them! I think that’s a match made in Heaven! Clarissa, my dear, was there something you wanted to share with the ladies?”

Kevin and Clarissa kept on fighting. “Yeah, if this big bully ever stops hitting me.”

George said, “Kevin baby, be nice.”

Clarissa gave Kevin one final punch in the chest. “Ow!”

Clarissa turned directly to her imaginary audience and laid her hands on Kevin’s legs. “There! That oughta do it!” Whereupon Clarissa recited her prepared speech.

* * * * *

The day of the party arrived. Miss Susan clasped his hands together, and said with an affected smile, “Good evening, Mrs. Grundy. I just looooved your speech last summer. I haven’t seen you in a long time, Mrs. Johnson, how is your daughter doing in college? Oh, really? Oooooh, I’m so happy for both of them! I think that’s a match made in Heaven! Clarissa, my dear, was there something you wanted to share with the ladies?”

Kevin and Clarissa kept on fighting. “Yeah, if this big bully ever stops hitting me.”

Miss Lucretia said, “Kevin baby, be nice.”

Clarissa gave Kevin one final punch in the chest. “Ow!”

Clarissa turned directly to the audience and laid her hands on Kevin’s legs. “There! That oughta do it!”

Clarissa began pushing herself on and off the floor in even rhythm by using Kevin’s legs as a gymnastics apparatus. “I think most of you have met Kevin. Or at least, I hope you have, because Kevin is a very nice boy.”

Clarissa turned sideways and leaned back against Kevin’s right leg. Her face was still directed toward the audience. “Kevin and I are cousins, but that doesn’t stop him from treating me like a girl or me treating him like a boy. This is easy for us because Kevin keeps me reminded in the clearest way possible that he’s a boy. He doesn’t just talk about it, he shows me.

“The same is true of the boys at school. We are learning how to make friends with each other. We are learning how to make conversation with each other. This did not happen before the boys started showing us that they are boys.”

Clarissa sat down on Kevin’s leg, showing just enough linen but not too much, and put one arm around Kevin’s neck. “When the boys were hiding their bodies from us, the boys hated the girls and the girls hated the boys. But not anymore. Now we mix, now we mingle. And we wouldn’t want it any other way.”
She began stroking Kevin’s hair. “I think the boys of Littleford are the most wonderful boys in the world. We appreciate the boys for their generosity. We cannot thank the boys enough for showing us everything they have.

“We appreciate the boys for their trustworthiness. Because of their openness, we instantly know that that they have nothing hidden from us.

“We appreciate the boys for their flexibility. Because of their desire for our admiration, and because of our desire for their closeness, we make compromises as never before. Never have there been so many girls playing with Power Rangers or so many boys playing with Barbie dolls.

“Last but not least, we appreciate the boys for their sheer beauty. I don’t think there ever has been, or ever will be, any creation more beautiful than an unadorned and unornamented boy.”

She stopped stroking Kevin’s hair and sat perfectly still and looked at the audience with a perfectly even gaze. “This may sound corny, but I love the boys of Littleford. I love my cousin Kevin. I love my cousin George. I love all their friends. I love all the boys in my class at school. I love all the boys in my Sunday school class. I love all the boys in my neighborhood. I want to see every one of those boys from head to foot every spring, summer, fall, and winter.”

Clarissa stood up again and stood between Kevin’s legs, facing the audience. “So if you love the children of Littleford, don’t just LET the boys go naked, don’t just ENCOURAGE them to go naked, but rather SEE TO IT that they go naked.

“All of you are very important to the boys in Littleford, and for that matter, to the boys everywhere. Every time a mommy says 'I don't believe in naked boys,' there is a naked boy somewhere that falls down dead. There are naked boys all over the world who are about to die because too many mommies won’t believe in them. So I am asking all of you: if you believe in naked boys, clap your hands, and a naked boy somewhere will hear you.”

George and Kevin were both very proud when Clarissa received an enthusiastic ovation.