Going Steady

[spelvin]

His friends called him Killer, and he lived up to his nickname at other times. At the town park on an early summer day, however, he was not looking very fierce. Penny waited patiently while he walked up to her slowly. Then she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hi, Killer, you look nice with no shirt on.”

“Thanks, Penny, there’s something I wanted to ask you. I—I’d like the honor of going steady with you.”

Penny smiled. “A gorgeous fellow like you? Sure!” She added, “There’s just one thing, though. A girl can’t say yes until the boy takes all his clothes off.”

“We can go to your place or mine, then.”

“No, it has to be on the spot. Otherwise, it’s bad luck.”

“Okay, then.” Killer sat down on a bench and took his shoes and socks off.

Killer stood up. Penny said, “Do you want to take off your shorts or do you want me to do it?”

“I’ll do it.” Killer pulled down his shorts and laid them on the bench. By this time, Killer and Penny were beginning to attract an audience, but they both pretended not to notice.

Killer was now down to his whitie tighties. Penny said, “How about now?”

Killer said, “This time, I’d like for you to do it.”

“Sure.” Penny pulled Killer’s underwear down to his feet. Killer stepped out of his underwear and Penny laid it on the bench. The girls in the crowd shifted in the direction that Killer was facing.

Penny said, “We need a preacher now.”

Killer said, “There’s Buck. He’d make a good preacher.”

Penny said, “He sure would. Buck, could you be our preacher? We’re going to go steady, and we need someone to make it official.”

The crowd was so thick that Buck had to elbow his way to the front. Penny made a sideways hand motion. “Killer, could you turn a little more that way? I think some of the people want a better view.”

The crowd left a clearing which was just large enough for Buck and the two companions. Buck held a phantom book with both hands and said, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this boy and this girl in going steady.” He whispered, “Killer, what’s your real name?”

Killer whispered, “Achilles.”

Buck said, “Achilles, do you take this girl to be your lawful girlfriend?"

Killer answered, "I do."

Buck whispered, “Penny, what’s your real name?”

Penny whispered, “Penthesilia.”

Buck asked, "Penthesilia, do you take this boy to be your lawful boyfriend?"

Penthesilia answered, "I do."

Buckminster said, "By virtue of the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you boyfriend and girlfriend." To Killer, he said, "You may kiss the girlfriend."

With split second timing, the crowd burst out in singing the Mendelssohn wedding march. Some members of the crowd pretended to throw rice.

Killer reached for his clothes on the park bench. Penny said, “No, you have to stay naked for the rest of the day. If you don’t, the spell is broken.” Killer ran out to join his friends on the swings, the jungle gym, and the merry-go-round, still dressed in only what Nature gave him.

Beezus arrived on the scene, carrying a handbag. Beezus looked around in wonder and asked nobody in particular, “What was all that noise?”

Danny walked toward Beezus and said, “Killer and Penny just started going steady.”

“Why is Killer naked?”

“The boy has to strip naked to go steady.”

Beezus frowned and said, “I never heard that before.”

Danny said, “Come to think of it, neither have I. Excuse me, Penny?”

Penny answered, “Yes?”

“Where did you hear that the boy has to take his clothes off to go steady?”

Penny held her chin up and smiled proudly. “I didn’t. I just made that up.”

Danny said, “Because you wanted to see Killer naked?”

Still looking proud, Penny said, “Yep.”

Beezus said, “You mean it’s not an old custom?”

Still looking proud, Penny said, “Nope.”

Danny said, “Then let’s make it a new custom. Bebe—?”

Beezus opened her handbag. “I just got out of dance class. There’s just my dance costume in here, so there’s plenty of room.” Beezus paused just long enough, but not too long. “It’s a warm day. Would you like to take your shirt off?”

Danny took his shirt off, Beezus received it, and Beezus put it in her handbag.

One by one, the crowd was reassembling. By the time Danny was down to his underwear, the congregation was reassembled. Someone at the back of the crowd asked, “Who’s going steady?”

In the din, the question went unanswered for a second. Danny replied, “Beezus and me.”

Another child said, “Awww, that match was made in Heaven!” Danny took his underwear off, Beezus put it in her handbag. She said, “You look nice.” All the other girls competed for the best ventral view.

Danny looked around at the crowd and said, “Good. Buck is still here. Buck, if it’s all right with Bebe, I’d like for you to be the preacher again. You did a fine job for Killer and Penny.”

“Thank you.”

“Buck, my real name is Dante, and Bebe, your real name is—Beatrice, is that right?”

Buck repeated the ceremony, Danny kissed the girlfriend just as Killer did, and the crowd sang another refrain of the Mendelssohn wedding march.

The crowd began their return to the swings, the jungle gym, and the merry-go-round. Beezus said, “Danny, I don’t think you’ve met my mom. I’ve told her a lot about you. Would you like to meet her?”

“Sure.”

Beezus strapped her handbag over one shoulder and held out her left hand. “You wanna hold hands?”

“Yes, but aren’t you going to give me my clothes back?”

“I will if you insist, but I’d like for my mom to meet you like you are right now.”

“But won’t people stare?”

Beezuz said, “I hope so.”

Danny and Beezus began their walk to Beezus’s house while the rest of the gang was deciding on a girlfriend and a preacher for Buck’s ceremony. The trek was exactly as Danny expected it—a little embarrassing, but exciting.

In front of Beezus’s house, Danny noticed a sign which said DOROTHY QUIMBY ATTORNEY.
Danny said, “Is that your mother’s name, Dorothy Quimby?”

“It sure is.”

“What’s that word underneath?”

“Attorney. My mom’s a lawyer.”

Danny and Beezus were greeted by a little girl. The girl rolled her eyes and said, “Oooooh, I bet I know who this is!”

Beezus said, “Danny, I forgot tell you about my little sister. This is Ramona.”

Danny said, “Hi, Ramona, you’re a cute little thing!”

Willa Jean said, “Thanks. You’re kinda cute too.”

Beezus’s mother came in the living room. “Beezus, I see you brought a visitor with you. Won’t you come sit down?”

They all sat down except for Ramona, who went to work exploring Danny’s body.

Beezus said, “Ramona, you’re embarrassing me.”

Danny said, “That’s okay, Beezus. You don’t have a brother, do you?”

“No, we don’t.”

Danny said, “Then maybe Ramona is getting a well-needed lesson in male anatomy.”

Beezus said, “Mom, this is Danny. I think I told you about Danny.”

Mrs. Quimby put one finger to her mouth and looked up. “Hmmm, let’s see how.” She snapped her fingers and said, “Yes, I believe you have—a time or two.”

That response seemed to embarrass Bebe. “His real name is Dante. But isn’t Dante also a girl’s name? I have a cousin named Dante, don’t I?”

“Yes, you met her last summer.”

Beezus said, “But this Dante is a boy.”

Beezus’s mom said, “Yes, I see that he is. Tell me, how did you two happen to run into each other today, and how did you happen to find your friend in all his glory?”

Beezus said, “You were at the park first. Danny, you start at the beginning.”

Danny recounted Killer and Penny’s ceremony, Buck’s brilliant recitation, Beezus’s late arrival, and their own ceremony.

Beezus said, “Danny is very considerate. When I got to the playground, I hollered ‘what’s going on,’ but everybody else was making so much noise they didn’t hear me. But Danny walked over to me and answered my question.” After a moment, she added, “Oh, yes, and when our ceremony was starting, someone asked, ‘who’s going steady,’ but again everybody else was making too much noise. But Danny answered the question. I guess he doesn’t want anyone to be ignored.”

Danny said, “Beezus is considerate too. I wasn’t sure what she was going to say. So I wasn’t sure whether to ask her or not. She made it easier for me by asking me if I wanted to take my shirt off and have her put it in her handbag.”

Beezus’s mom affectionately said, “A nice boy and a nice girl deserve each other. I’m glad you two met.”

Danny said, “Come to think of it, Killer and Penny are a nice boy and a nice girl, too. Killer didn’t seem very confident about approaching Penny, so Penny made a move of her own. She put her hand on Killer’s shoulder and told him how nice he looked with no shirt on.

“And I like the way Killer asked Penny, too. He said, ‘I’d like the honor of going steady with you.’ He must have thought Penny was important.”

Mrs. Quimby smiled. “We sure have a lot of nice children here in this town. That’s why I’m a little disturbed about this going steady business.”

Danny frowned. “You don’t want me to see Beezus anymore?”

Mrs. Quimby said, “Sure I do. And I think this going steady ceremony that your friends made up is a cute idea. But you’re a nice boy. I don’t want Beezus to be selfish and keep you all for yourself. And I hope that Beezus has been a nice girl. I don’t want you to be selfish and keep her all for yourself. Same way with these two friends of yours.”

Ramona was kneeling on the floor in front of Danny. She squeezed his virile organ and said, “Honk, honk, honk.”

Everybody else laughed, including Mrs. Quimby, who said, “Ramona, that’s crude!”

Mrs. Quimby turned to Danny and said, “How do you feel about girls seeing you naked? Would you like for other girls besides Beezus to see you naked?”

Danny said, “I think I would. I’m enjoying the attention I’m getting from Ramona, even if she is a little too young for me.” Then he added, “And I’m enjoying the attention I’m getting from you, even if you are a little too old for me.”

Mrs. Quimby got up and had a whispered conference with Beezus. She turned to Danny and said, “Why don’t you come about eight o’clock on Friday night? That’s when Beezus’s friends are coming over for a slumber party. We can’t let you stay all night, obviously, but we’d like for you to stay for a while. You’ll see some friends of hers and you’ll meet some family members who will be there to drop them off. And they’ll all be delighted to have a look at you.”

* * * * *

Danny gave his address to Mrs. Quimby, and he rode home, still naked, with his three congenial hostesses.

Danny’s mother invited the family in. She was surprised to see the change which came over her newly gymnosophist son, so a lengthy explanation was made.

Beezus offered to hand Danny back his clothes, but he said, “No, that’s okay.” Beezus handed the clothes to Danny’s mother, and Danny said, “Just run them through the washer and dryer and put them in my drawer.”

Beezus’s family invited Danny and his mother to come to their house on Friday evening. When the time came, Danny walked out the front door naked, got in the car naked, rode to Beezus’s house naked, and arrived at Beezus’s front door naked. At Beezus’s house, he saw girls that he knew, he saw girls that he did not know, and he saw the girls’ relatives. Some of the girls had little brothers who wanted to be like him, so they took their clothes off too.

When the cheerful greetings and introductions died down, Danny said, “Beezus, I never got a chance to see you dance.”

Beezus said, “Aww, you don’t want to see me dance.”

A chorus of “come on, Beezus” ensued.

Beezus said, “All right, but I’ll have to go change clothes.”

Danny said, “That’s all right. You can change out here.”

Beezus replied with mock astonishment, “And let you see me in my underwear? Shame!” Everybody laughed.

While Beezus was out of the room, the visitors resumed their small talk. Beezus returned to the living room, wearing leotards. She demonstrated an arabesque, a plié and élevé, and a pirouette. Each demonstration was met with applause from the visitors.

Danny said, “I think I’d like to sign up.”

Beezus said, “They’d love to have you. They have such a shortage of boys that they sign boys up for half price. And you get one free class to see how you like it.”

“Except that I won’t feel comfortable wearing what you have on. The other boys might say it looks sissy. Is that what everybody else wears?”

“Yes, that’s our uniform.”

“What do the boys wear?”

“I don’t know. There haven’t been any boys since I’ve been going.”

“Can you find out for me?”

Beezus looked at her mother. Her mother said, “I’ll give her a call on Monday morning.”

* * * * *

On Monday morning, Mrs. Allison received a phone call from Mrs. Quimby. “The dance teacher says she will be glad to give Danny a trial class today. And about the costume, she hasn’t thought about that, so Danny can wear anything he wants.”

Mrs. Allison said, “Thank you very much, Mrs. Quimby. If it’s all right with you, we’ll be at your house in a little bit, and we’ll all go to the dance school together.” She hung up and said, “Let’s go.”

Again, Danny walked out the front door naked, got in the car naked, rode to Beezus’s house naked, and arrived at Beezus’s front door naked. Mrs. Quimby said, “Oh! Did Danny bring any clothes?”

Mrs. Allison said, “No, we didn’t think he needed any. Didn’t the dance teacher say he can wear anything he wants?”

“Yes?”

“And you’re an attorney, right?”

“Yes?”

“And you can hold her to those words, right?”

“Yes?”

“Danny says he doesn’t want to wear anything.”

“I got you now.”

Both parents and both children went to the dance school armed to the teeth, but soon found that their hostility was unnecessary. If the dance teacher noticed, she pretended not to. Danny attended the class with the students already enrolled, enjoying his first experience with the arabesque, the plié and élevé, and the pirouette.

After the sample class, Danny and his mother went to the office and unhesitantly signed up. Five days a week, Danny walked to Beezus’s house with no clothes on, took her hand and walked to the dance school with no clothes on, and attended ballet class with no clothes on.

If the dance teacher did not notice Danny’s nudity from the first day, she did eventually. In her newly printed material, she announced that girls would attend class wearing leotards and boys would attend class nude. To prove that there was not a misprint, she included a photograph of the class with Danny prominently displayed.

On the return trip from class, Danny and Beezus always stopped at the park. Every day, they saw more naked boys. Some were going steady, some were breaking up with one girl and going with another, some were performing some other ritual which Penny invented, and some were going naked just because they liked to. Danny and Beezus always kept a supply of dance school literature to pass out. They got Penny, Killer, and Buck enrolled. Before long, Danny and Beezus earned enough discounts to bring their own tuition down to zero.

Boys went to sports camp naked. Boys went to summer school classes naked. Boys went to the library naked. Boys went to church naked. Naked boys became such a common sight that the girls forgot what boys’ clothes even looked like.

At the end of the summer, the dance teacher had her lifelong dream fulfilled—to present an act with all the dancing partners she wanted. When the curtain opened, flash bulbs flashed. The stage was filled with elegantly gowned young princesses embracing their bare-skinned partners.

Before the fall semester started, the school board voted on the school uniform. Girls were to attend school wearing blue sweaters and blue pleated skirts, while boys were to attend school naked.