The Revenge of Jeepman

[spelvin]

There was a light tap on the bedroom door. “Mahony darling, you have an English assignment due real soon and you haven’t even started on it.”

Mahony answered, “I’ll go to work on it right away, Mom.” A likely story. It was Sunday night and he had all weekend to get started. He knew that there was no way he could learn to write an essay in just a few days.

And why should he? Jeepman was in his class. Jeepman could easily write an essay for him and another essay for himself. Besides, Mahony was having too much fun. His sister was crawling all over him, and he was impressed with how much she remembered from last time. “Melanie, Where’s my shaft? That’s right, and now that we’re on the shaft, where’s my corpus spongiosum? Good girl. And here’s a toughie: where’s my perineum? You’re batting a thousand!”

Not long afterward, Mom tapped on the bedroom door again. “Melanie, it’s your bedti
me.” Mahony knelt down, grasped both shoulders, and looked straight into Melanie’s eyes.

“Melanie, I’m your big brother and nobody else. Do you understand?” Mahony’s question was answered with a timid nod.

“And you get to see me whenever you want to. But nobody else. Do you understand?” Another timid nod.

“And you get to feel my body whenever you want to. But nobody else. Do you understand?” Still another timid nod.

“Good. Nighty-night, Melanie, I love you.” After Mahony planted the nightly kiss on his sister’s cheek, Mom escorted her to her boudoir.

The dismissal bell rang on Monday. Mahony and Jeepman lived the same direction from the school, so they walked home together. “Jeepman, I want to ask you something. Can you write the English assignment for me?”

“I can’t do that, that would be dishonest.”

“I know, but I always have trouble with things like that. And besides, I’ve done a lot of things for you, so you should do something nice for me.”

“Fine. Let me know when I can do something for you which isn’t dishonest.”

Although the assignment was due on Tuesday, Mahony had nothing to hand in. Five minutes before class, Mahony jotted down the first thing which came to mind and handed it in. Jeepman proudly walked into class and handed in five pages, neatly typed and double spaced.

The dismissal bell rang on Wednesday. Jeepman was quickly surrounded by girls in the lower grades. Wednesday was the day for evening church service, so there was very little foot traffic in the local park. It was a warm sunny day, so it was the ideal time for the girls in the younger grades to ask Jeepman to walk with them to the local park. Jeepman noticed, “Hey, you’re all wearing skirts today.”

“Yes, and you’d better not look at us when we hang from the monkey bars!” “Yeah! If you do, we’ll tell your stepmom!” “And she’ll be really mad!”

The local park was vacated, as they had all hoped. Jeepman found a convenient spot in the bushes and left all his clothes there. One girl was posted as sentinel at one corner of the park, another girl was posted at the other corner, and the other girls took turns being pushed on the swings by the exquisitely undressed Jeepman.

Meanwhile, Mahony was walking home, still harboring a grudge against Jeepman. Suddenly, he stopped in his tracks. He remembered that he brought the latest Playboy magazine to school. What would happen if Jeepman got caught with it?

Instead of going straight home, Mahony detoured toward Jeepman’s house. The lights were out and the car was not in the driveway. Good. That meant nobody was home. Mahony had been a frequent visitor at the house, so he knew that Jeepman’s bedroom window was open when the weather was warm.

Mahony walked up to Jeepman’s window, slipped the magazine through the window. He was disappointed that the magazine fell under the dresser instead of on top of the dresser, but he made a quiet and hasty escape.

On Thursday afternoon, Jeepman returned home to a very irate Stepmom. “Jeepman, what do you have to say for yourself?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t act so innocent with me. I found this when I was cleaning out your room.” With one hand held high, she displayed the incriminating evidence.

While Stepmom was raving and ranting, the front door swung open. In walked Prunella and Esmerelda. Prunella asked, “What’s the matter?”

Stepmom said, “Your very clever stepbrother hid this girlie magazine underneath the dresser in his room! And I’ll see to it that he gets punished!”

Esmerelda said, “You mean he’ll have to wear clothes all weekend?”

Stepmom said, “That’s right. He sure will!”

Both girls looked deeply disappointed. Prunella said, “But Mom! We’re throwing a party tomorrow! And Jeepman said he’ll host the party!”

Stepmom said, “He’ll have to host the party with all his clothes on, then! Because no stepson of mine ever goes sneaking around looking at naughty pictures!”

The argument grew more and more heated. Unable to contain herself any longer, Stepmom furiously tore the pages into a hundred pieces.

A folded piece of paper fell out of the magazine and onto the floor. Prunella picked up the paper and said, “What’s this?”

All the noise and confusion stopped while she read from the paper:

“Basketball
I like basket ball.
basketball is fun!!!!!
They’re their r a lot of other reesons why i like basketball . . .
Its good for ur hart and ur lungs & things like that
i like basket ball.”

Esmerelda said, “There’s no way Jeepman would write that poorly.” She put her hand on Jeepman’s shoulder. “We’re loyal to you, brother!” Jeepman smiled.

Prunella said, “Wait! Right here there’s something we can barely read, and it starts with an M!”

Esmerelda said, “I know only one person who could write something like this, and his name starts with an M.”

The two girls looked at each other wide-eyed. Prunella said, “I do too!”

The house was brightly decorated on Friday. Balloons were hung from the ceiling. Crepe paper was attached from one wall to the other. The table was arranged with vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, orange sherbet, lemon-lime sherbet, you name it. Fudge, gingerbread, chocolate chip, oatmeal-raisin, you name it.

Last but not least, Jeepman came in the room, immaculately clad in beautiful epidermis. The guests lined up for horsey rides. The guests lined up to be swung in a circle. Girls without brothers at home were especially interested. Are boys ticklish under the arms? Apparently so. Are boys ticklish on the feet? Apparently so. Are boys ticklish on the genitals? Apparently not.

The newspaper photographer rang the doorbell. He came inside, took one look, and said, “Whoo boy! I don’t know if I could ever get this many people in one picture.” He thought for a moment and said, “I tell you what: raise your hand if you’re in Prunella’s class. That’s about half of you. Raise your hand if you’re in Esmerelda’s class. That’s about half of you.

“Now: everyone in Prunella’s class line up in a row. Pull your skirts up and smile. Perfect!” Snap. The photographer held up one hand and said, “Stay in place for a minute. I have to write down all your names.”

“Now everyone in Esmerelda’s class line up in a row. We’ll do this one a little differently. Turn around but turn your heads around this way and pull your skirts up and smile. Perfect!” Snap. The photographer again held up one hand and said, “Stay in place for a minute. I have to write down all your names.”

The photographer loaded his camera back into the bag and said, “I wish I could stay a little longer, but I have to run. These pictures should be in the paper tomorrow.”

Stepmom went to the door and said, “We wish you could stay too. Thank you for coming.”
Prunella went to the bedroom and promptly returned with eight boxes of go fish cards. “May I have your attention, please. For those of you who are attending for the first time, a regular feature of our parties is a go fish tournament. The winner gets to kiss Jeepman on the head.”

The guests paired off. The winners of the first event played each other in the quarter final, the winners of the quarter final played each other in the semifinal, and the winners of the semifinal played each other in the final.

“The winner is Melanie!” Prunella and Esmerelda flashed their cameras while everyone cheered and applauded.

Stepmom answered the doorbell. The cheering, applauding, and camera flashing continued while Melanie knelt on the floor, Jeepman stood in front of Melanie, and Melanie delivered the ceremonious osculation.

At the doorway stood a red-faced and boiling angry Mahony.

[Jeepman89]

Hilarious but why am I in the story?

[spelvin]

It was inspired by a thread on the blue forum.
Someone was accusing everybody and his brother of being you,
but writing under other monikers.
A newcomer to the forum asked, "Who is Jeepman?"
I told that newcomer about your stepsisters' frequent accusations and your stepmother's consequent
frequent nude punishments,
about your visits to the city park,
and about the party which you hosted.

In writing that response, I felt inspired to write a story in which you were the protagonist.