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This is my first attempt at writing a story of any nature. Any feedback is appreciated please be nice!


Today started off like any other day. I was doing homework in the kitchen while listening to music. In the other room my two sisters Juliana and Claire were both on the phone talking about typical high school girl drama.

Claire was a junior in high school and for all intents and purpose in the popular crowd. She was the star of the soccer team and along with that came a very fit and attractive body.
Juliana on the other hand, same grade, while still equally as attractive was not an athlete. She was still very into fitness but preferred to do that on her own time. Her good looks helped make her apart of your typical high school jocks crowd.

Eventually I hear Claire call my name.

"Tommy! Can you get me the chips in the cabinet??"

Ugh. She knows I hate it when she says my full name. I mean come on I'm 15 years old. I'm mature now. It's just Tom. Nonetheless the lesser of two evils is just to get her the chips otherwise she'll never stop screaming my name. I walk into the living room and toss the bag to Claire hitting her in the face in the process.
"Ouch! You could have just handed it to me."

Of course she's being ungrateful what else is new.

"Tommy! You're being rude say hi to Amy."

With all of Claire's non-sense I didn't notice two things. 1. Her phone facing me with her friend from school on FaceTime. 2. Juliana right behind me with a devious smirk on her face. Time seemed to slow down as I felt two hands at the waistband of sweatpants and the force of my pants being pulled down.
Claire and Juliana were full blown laughing but I could only hear Amy's voice through the phone.

"Nice Tighty Whities! What are you 8 years old?! Wait until everyone hears this!"

After the intial shock (which felt like an eternity but in reality was only 30 seconds) I pulled my sweatpants up and ran upstairs to my room. Still hearing the laughter and high fives of both my sisters pulling off a successful prank. I buried my face into my pillow with a million thoughts running through my mind. You see, my sisters and myself have always pulled pranks on each throughout the years. Always been harmless pranks like a pie to the face, whoopie cushion farts, and sending silly texts to their crushes while impersonating the other. But nothing like this!
Maybe it was classic teenage hormones that changed their pattern or maybe I did something to unknowningly piss them off. Either way I knew one thing was certain. I was going to get them back.


Fast forward to that same night...
Claire was out with all her soccer friends doing some team bonding event. Our parents were out on their typical date night they do every friday. So it was just Juliana and myself home alone tonight. Even though I was still deeply embarrassed from earlier in the day, I knew this was the perfect opportunity to retaliate while I still had the element of surprise assuming Juliana probably thought I was still too embarrassed to leave my room let alone enact revenge.
It was around 7pm when the doorbell started ringing.

"Juliana! Can you get the door I'm in the bathroom! It's probably the pizza I ordered!"

"I'm busy you get it!"
Hearing no response..."Tommy??! Tommy??!"
"Ugh fine I'll get it." Juliana mumbling some curse words under her breath.
I watched through my bathroom window as Juliana opens the front door but doesn't see the pizza guy she was expecting. Instead a bunch of middle school kids are behind the door throwing balloons at her. She screams anticipating the feeling of being soaked in water balloons. However this wasn't the case. Instead it was filled with syrup! A lot of syrup that made her feel absolutely disgusted.

"Who puts syrup in balloons?? Are you kidding me!"

Little did she know this was a favor cashed in by Tommy that their next door neighbors owed him. Still covered in syrup Juliana marches straight into the bathroom getting ready to clean herself of this mess. After what felt like an hour Juliana finally was leaving the bathroom wrapped in just a white towel. Timmy immediately texts the boys next door "phase two now" Just like that the doorbell starts ringing over and over again and hearing little boys screaming "how'd you like those balloons???!?!" Juliana hearing this as she was walking to her room was furious. Her face red with rage from such a immature prank. She runs downstairs and opens the front door to give those boys a piece of her mind.

She was always a very emotional girl and in this case it was her downfall as she completely forgot she was only wearing a towel. Something Tommy was banking on for his plan to work. Before doing anything he stood there for a moment to take in the scene. Juliana screaming at little kids who were long gone down the street in the dark in just a towel. ANNNDDD *SWOOSH* Tommy had grabbed the towel from Juliana and slammed the door shut. The last thing she heard was the sound of the door locking.

"OMG TOMMY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING. THIS ISNT FUNNY. I KEPT YOUR TIGHTY WHITIES ON!" She said as she was banging on the door to be let in. Any other boy would be lost in lust at the scene of Juliana's long blonde hair running down partially covering her large naked tits and her hairless little slit (possibly recently shaved?) Nonetheless this was still his sister and this was just purely revenge.

"I'd lower my voice if I were you. It'd be a shame if some of our neighbors came out and heard you don't you think?"

The panic in her eyes said it all. She knew I was right. She was whispering now. "Alright you had your revenge Ha Ha now let me back in."

Looking back on it now I should have just stopped while I was ahead. But in the moment it felt like I had her right where I wanted.
"Hmmm I think you need to stay out there a little longer and think about the consequences of embarrassing me in front of Amy."
I swear my intention was to leave her out there for 5-10 minutes MAX but she didn't need to know that. I went upstairs and decided to play a game or two of Call of Duty. That should be enough time to make her sweat a little.

Outside Juliana tried to open every door around the house but each one was locked. She was hiding behind a bush trying to think of a way out of this. Unfortunately for her the bush only covered her from cars coming from one direction in the street. Juliana instantly jumped and started running away when she saw bright lights and heard honking. She ran to the closest hiding spot hoping the coverage of the dark helped her stay hidden. It was behind their neighbors doghouse. Her face flushed red.
"Why did I run farther from my house? Please please dont see me" She thought.
In the car were 3 teenage boys from Juliana's school. She overheard them talking.
"Dude was the chick naked?!"
"I could of sworn I saw a cute pale butt running down the street! Did you guys recongnize her?"
"There's only one way to find out! Let's go!"

Part 1 end.

I'll continue if this shows interest but hopefully my first time writing a story wasn't too terrible for you all! I think the changing point of views is the hardest thing for me right now so hopefully that doesn't confuse everyone too much!

I think you are doing great, and you should keep writing.

My honest feedback;

1. This is very clear, and I love the use of dialogue and word pictures. Your tempo is good - the pacing of action to dialogue.
2. If you did not tell me this is your first written story, I would not have believed it.
3. I love the use of 1st person to tell the story from the perspective of someone. It helps me get into their head and feel what they feel.
4. I would strongly encourage you not to write from two perspectives for your first story.

It adds a level of complexity that is difficult to achieve and unnecessary. I've seen authors switch chapters and try this, and I've seen them put a header above when the new character talks.

However, what happens to the reader (or at least me) is that I get jerked out of the perspective I had been enjoying and forced to see it through a second point of view. Once I get comfortably into their head, and I am walking in their shoes, the new perspective is jarring.

I could be in the unpopular opinion on that. However, I would say given you are just starting out - try this;

Pick one of these people and pretend you are sitting across from someone as them, telling a story about how all this happened, and just stick with it.

Alfred Hitchcock once famously said the art of storytelling is that the reader identifies with the first character they see. If it's a night watchman searching in the dark with a flashlight for the bad guy, they tend to identify with the watchmen. if he showed the stealthy criminal darting from box to box trying to stay out of sight, they'd be on his side.

I agree. my vote is tell Tommy's story, from Tommy's point of view. You can always go back later and write the same story from someone else's view, but for now let's see where Tommy takes this.

It does mean at times, you wont' be privy to what happens when Tommy is not there, or the mindset of the other characters. However, you can still show the reader, with some poetic license.

If I feel the reader needs to see a scene that the main character is not at, i tend to have them tell it like they know second hand.

I also have them say things like "Julianna tapped on the table, and fidgeted" so i dont' have to say "Julianna was nervous". You can use the charracter's actions to tell the reader. I'll even say things like "I suspected that she was putting on a brave face" when that's what they are doing instead of really not caring.

Please continue.

A long time ago, I started out much like you are - trying to write my first story.

Someone wrote; "if you were trying to capture the voice of an airhead, you fucking nailed it".

I wasn't. That was my internal monologue/exposition. It put me off writing, but eventually I got back in the saddle.

The last thing I will say is this; make a deal with yourself to read about as much as you write.

In order to stay fresh, I try to read as much as I write. That is not always easy, because there isn't a lot of new stuff. However, I go back to old threads and read. As an author, we all sit on the shoulders of giants who came before us. I don't suggest plagiarizing, but to borrow style or technique is flattery.

I found it a little confusing switching between 1st & 3rd person perspectives. Also there's a "Timmy" rather than "Tommy" in there.

Fun story though - I'd have thought the young kids would have remained to enjoy the show

Looking forward to part 2!