The Helpful Genie (Complete 1/14)
Posted: Fri Jan 13, 2023 10:04 pm
I take a step back and gasp. This can’t be real. I’d better pinch myself so I can wake up. That always works in the movies.
OW!
Okay, not dreaming.
“Thank you, little lady! Oh, gosh, that little contraption is awful. I owe you one. Oh, one more thing. Sorry, sorry, I hate to be a bother, but is there any chance you could tell me what year it is?”
Jaw. Hanging. Open. All I did was try to turn on this antique record player, but instead of hearing music, this ridiculous, muscular, hairless naked man comes out of nowhere. Could he at least cover his you-know-what? Shameless. And now he’s asking me what year it is? It has to be a dream. Let’s try the pinching thing again. FRICK! Okay, the pinching thing isn’t helping.
The naked man raises his eyebrows at me. Hey, you’re the one naked, don’t act like I’m the crazy person here. What's wrong with you? Cover yourself!
New hypothesis. I'm not dreaming. This guy is a lunatic and I need to get him out of my house ASAP. Preferably after he puts his clothes on, wherever they are.
“Um, hey, would you mind, you know...” I say while awkwardly averting my eyes from his manliness.
“Oh, right, the outfit, got it. Sorry, last little lady I met was a big fan. Said it really brings out my eyes,” the man says. “Would you mind turning around for a sec? Ah, yes, just like that. Thanks, little lady. A little hard to work the mojo while someone is watching, you know what I mean? Presto. There we go. All done.”
I turn back around to face the man. He’s now wearing the poofiest blue pants I’ve ever laid eyes on and a shirt so thin that he might as well not be wearing anything at all. Well, it’s an improvement. Luckily for him, terrible fashion is a lesser crime than public nudity.
“Uh, so, not to be rude, but like... who are you? And why are you hiding up here in my attic? Look, if you’re a squatter, sorry, but you’re gonna have to move. I just bought this house and --”
“Little lady, sorry, but really, what year is it? I feel like I’ve been trapped in there half a century, you know? And that awful song, The Twist, it was playing the entire time. Truly horrible. Do you have a nice lamp, by any chance? You know, one of those small ones, but well, not too small, I do like a bit of space. But I’m not picky, really, anything will do,” the man says.
“Who are you?” I ask.
“A genie, obviously. You know, little lady, you’ve asked me three questions now, which I’ve happily answered, but I’m starting to get a bit testy. Could you please tell me the date?” the ‘genie’ asks me.
“A genie? You think you’re a genie?” I ask.
He gives me a dirty look.
“Oh, err, sorry.” I blush. Okay, I guess when he puts it that way, I am being a little rude. “The date is January 13, 2023.”
“2023? Oh no! It’s been so long. I feel like I missed everything! Did Kennedy get re-elected? Charming man, great vision. I had a good feeling about him, you know? And how about the Beatles? Do you know them? They were an up-and-coming band in my time, little lady, but I just knew they were going to be a big hit. Are they still together by any chance?” the Genie asks.
“Err...” I think I should probably avoid answering that line of questions. “You know, that stuff was a really long time ago. I can’t remember. But, you know, how about the present? We live in exciting times. Check this out, it’s a computer in my pocket! And this is what we call Youtube!”
The cat videos should keep him busy for a while. Dear kitten, gosh, a modern miracle of comedy. Okay, while he’s distracted, THINK Rebecca. How am I going to get this guy out of here? Clearly, he needs some help, because he thinks he’s a time traveling genie from the 1960s. Sigh. I knew the price on this house was too good to be true. You think the realtor might have mentioned the crazy naked man in the attic, but noooooo! I’m going to let her have it the next time I see her.
“Little lady, listen, these tiny cats are adorable, and this computer pocket thing, it's neat, but -- oh hey, would you mind if I borrowed this?” The genie points at an old, dusty looking stereo. “It’s a little modern for my tastes, but I can’t stand that old record player. Oh, and if it’s not a bother, is there any chance you have some songs by the Beatles? The Twist, it’s an okay song, but after listening to it for however many decades, I just can’t anymore, you know?”
This guy just never stops talking. I should call the cops, I guess, but on the other hand, that might get messy. Maybe if I humor him, I can convince him to go outside to check out this neat new thing called ‘the highway’.
“Um... yeah, sure, you can have it. It’s a stereo. Not worth much. Kind of old, but you might be able to find some CDs for it on Amazon,” I say.
“Amazon? Like the rain forest? Little lady, I might not look busy, but I am, and I really don’t have time to fly down to South America,” the genie says.
“Oh, right. You’re from the 1960s, of course.” This guy is so fucking crazy. “Listen, I’ll just take you out to get some CDs, alright? I think there’s an old music shop downtown.”
The genie picks up the stereo and holds it as if it’s the most precious thing he's ever owned. Seriously, he is so weird. At this point, I'm ready to say anything if I think it will encourage him to leave.
“Little lady, you’ve been so helpful. I appreciate this wonderful gift. I will always cherish it. Since you've been so kind, in return, I shall grant you three wishes,” the genie says cheerfully.
Oh. My. God. He’s unhinged.
“You think you’re a genie? And that you can grant me wishes?” I ask.
“Little lady, I get it. You think, oh, he’s been trapped in a record player for 70 years, he must not have much going on in his life, let's play 20 questions. Well, to the contrary, I have a lot going on! I have decades of music to catch up on, and those records aren’t going to listen to themselves, mind you, and then I have to read up on the latest presidential candidates, of course. Very important to vote. I've never missed an election, if you can believe it. Well, aside from last 70 years or so, but that bit is hardly my fault, I don't think that counts, do you? Anyways, the point is, I'm a very busy genie. Really, I should be off to that music shop right now... but since you did help me escape that awful contraption, yes, three wishes, just for you,” the genie says.
This sounds crazy. Okay, okay, I’ll humor him. The sooner I make these ‘wishes’, the sooner he heads off to the music shop and out of my life forever.
“Oh, by the way, please don’t try the whole wishing for more wishes thing or anything clever like that. It’s three, okay? Just three. One, two, three, just like that. Trust me. You should see what happened to the last person that wanted more. Always be careful with wishes, little lady. They're granted as is. Really funny story, the lady that wanted more wishes. She might still be stuck in that time loop. You should have seen how red her face was. Well, actually, it probably still is red, given the circumstances,” the genie says with a big smile.
“Riiiiiight. Anyways. So, three wishes. And it’s any three wishes I want?” I ask.
“Yep! That’s the deal. Just make sure you really think them through. Can’t undo wishes, you know. Or well, I can, but trust me, not worth it, not hardly worth it. All sorts of time loop problems. But really, don’t worry, most people are pretty happy. Just make sure you think your wishes through. They’re granted as is. But other than that, yes, nothing to worry about. Do you need some suggestions? Wishing to meet your soulmate is a great one. People falling in love is so romantic, and I love making people happy. True love is so beautiful! It brings a tear to my eye,” the genie says wistfully.
Soulmate? Ugh. Screw that. I just got out of a nasty divorce. I had to take my ex-husband to the cleaners. Thankfully, I was able to buy this house with the money from the divorce settlement. I got almost everything. He totally deserved it, too. Okay, I mean, yes, I didn’t have to take his puppy, but he didn’t have to break up with me, so fair is fair.
“Yeah, I’m not feeling the soulmate thing. Honestly, I’m never getting married again. It was awful. Most of the time, I wish I never met my ex-husband,” I say.
“Wish granted!” the genie shouts cheerfully.
“Wait, I was just ranting, that wasn’t my –”
The room changes before my eyes. Holy crap. Is this guy actually a genie? Unreal. The room was full of old junk just seconds ago, but now it’s completely empty. The only thing here is this genie fellow and the stereo I gave him. Wow, look at the window. It’s so clean now, and beautifully adorned with light colored drapes. Everything in this old attic is completely different. It shouldn’t be possible.
“Honey, can you go to the store and grab some more paint?” a man shouts from downstairs.
“Sure, babe, need anything else while I’m out there?” a woman replies.
What's going on? This is my house!
“Um, mister genie fella, why are there people in my house? And why is it so cold? I never asked you to turn my house into a freezer,” I say angrily.
I look out the window and see a lady getting into her car. Speaking of cars...
“And where’s my car? What the hell?” I ask in a rage.
“Well, little lady, those nice people are the owners. As for your car, how should I know? It could belong to anyone now. That was quite a wish, you know. Really changed the fabric of time and space. I think you should have gone with the soulmate thing, but you know, can lead a horse to water, as they say,” the genie says.
“Okay, fine, whatever, we’re in bizzaro land and some strange couple owns my house now. Great. One problem at a time. Seriously, could you do something about the temperature? Why is it so fucking cold?” I ask.
“It’s not cold. You’re cold. There’s a difference, see?” the genie says helpfully.
“Okay, fine, if you want to be pedantic about it, why am I so fucking --”
I look down and freeze in horror as I realize that I’m standing in nothing but my bra and panties in front of a completely clear and open window.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME I WAS IN MY UNDERWEAR?” I yell.
When I come to my senses, I move away from the window and fold my arms in front of my chest. Oh my God. Anyone could have seen me just now. I might have to sell the house! Unbelievable. I could never live it down if anyone saw me in my underwear. I look ridiculous. I want my dress back! No one is supposed to see me like this except my husband!
“Oh, the underwear? You never asked. What a silly question. You know, little lady, I think you’re being a little unfair, taking your anger out on me and all. I just grant the wishes, okay? You’re the one that asked for whatever this mess is,” the genie says with a shrug.
“Genie! This isn’t what I wished for! Why would I ever wish for this? Where the hell is my dress?” I demand.
“Listen, little lady, you’re being awfully mean. I fulfilled your wish, nothing more, nothing less. I mean, I did warn you about being careful and all. But it’s okay. You still have two wishes to turn this all around. Now, really, I bet a soulmate could really help you fix this, and –”
“You humiliated me! You took my dress, my house, my car, and you’re going to sit here and lecture me? That wasn’t even a wish! I was just ranting. Can't you tell the difference? Apparently not. And to top it all off, I’m standing here in my underwear in what apparently is someone else’s house, and I don't even have a car to drive away in, not that I even have a house to go home to anymore. You want to know what I wish for, you stupid jerk genie? I WISH I WASN’T IN MY UNDERWEAR RIGHT NOW!”
“Wish granted,” the genie says with a smile.
OW!
Okay, not dreaming.
“Thank you, little lady! Oh, gosh, that little contraption is awful. I owe you one. Oh, one more thing. Sorry, sorry, I hate to be a bother, but is there any chance you could tell me what year it is?”
Jaw. Hanging. Open. All I did was try to turn on this antique record player, but instead of hearing music, this ridiculous, muscular, hairless naked man comes out of nowhere. Could he at least cover his you-know-what? Shameless. And now he’s asking me what year it is? It has to be a dream. Let’s try the pinching thing again. FRICK! Okay, the pinching thing isn’t helping.
The naked man raises his eyebrows at me. Hey, you’re the one naked, don’t act like I’m the crazy person here. What's wrong with you? Cover yourself!
New hypothesis. I'm not dreaming. This guy is a lunatic and I need to get him out of my house ASAP. Preferably after he puts his clothes on, wherever they are.
“Um, hey, would you mind, you know...” I say while awkwardly averting my eyes from his manliness.
“Oh, right, the outfit, got it. Sorry, last little lady I met was a big fan. Said it really brings out my eyes,” the man says. “Would you mind turning around for a sec? Ah, yes, just like that. Thanks, little lady. A little hard to work the mojo while someone is watching, you know what I mean? Presto. There we go. All done.”
I turn back around to face the man. He’s now wearing the poofiest blue pants I’ve ever laid eyes on and a shirt so thin that he might as well not be wearing anything at all. Well, it’s an improvement. Luckily for him, terrible fashion is a lesser crime than public nudity.
“Uh, so, not to be rude, but like... who are you? And why are you hiding up here in my attic? Look, if you’re a squatter, sorry, but you’re gonna have to move. I just bought this house and --”
“Little lady, sorry, but really, what year is it? I feel like I’ve been trapped in there half a century, you know? And that awful song, The Twist, it was playing the entire time. Truly horrible. Do you have a nice lamp, by any chance? You know, one of those small ones, but well, not too small, I do like a bit of space. But I’m not picky, really, anything will do,” the man says.
“Who are you?” I ask.
“A genie, obviously. You know, little lady, you’ve asked me three questions now, which I’ve happily answered, but I’m starting to get a bit testy. Could you please tell me the date?” the ‘genie’ asks me.
“A genie? You think you’re a genie?” I ask.
He gives me a dirty look.
“Oh, err, sorry.” I blush. Okay, I guess when he puts it that way, I am being a little rude. “The date is January 13, 2023.”
“2023? Oh no! It’s been so long. I feel like I missed everything! Did Kennedy get re-elected? Charming man, great vision. I had a good feeling about him, you know? And how about the Beatles? Do you know them? They were an up-and-coming band in my time, little lady, but I just knew they were going to be a big hit. Are they still together by any chance?” the Genie asks.
“Err...” I think I should probably avoid answering that line of questions. “You know, that stuff was a really long time ago. I can’t remember. But, you know, how about the present? We live in exciting times. Check this out, it’s a computer in my pocket! And this is what we call Youtube!”
The cat videos should keep him busy for a while. Dear kitten, gosh, a modern miracle of comedy. Okay, while he’s distracted, THINK Rebecca. How am I going to get this guy out of here? Clearly, he needs some help, because he thinks he’s a time traveling genie from the 1960s. Sigh. I knew the price on this house was too good to be true. You think the realtor might have mentioned the crazy naked man in the attic, but noooooo! I’m going to let her have it the next time I see her.
“Little lady, listen, these tiny cats are adorable, and this computer pocket thing, it's neat, but -- oh hey, would you mind if I borrowed this?” The genie points at an old, dusty looking stereo. “It’s a little modern for my tastes, but I can’t stand that old record player. Oh, and if it’s not a bother, is there any chance you have some songs by the Beatles? The Twist, it’s an okay song, but after listening to it for however many decades, I just can’t anymore, you know?”
This guy just never stops talking. I should call the cops, I guess, but on the other hand, that might get messy. Maybe if I humor him, I can convince him to go outside to check out this neat new thing called ‘the highway’.
“Um... yeah, sure, you can have it. It’s a stereo. Not worth much. Kind of old, but you might be able to find some CDs for it on Amazon,” I say.
“Amazon? Like the rain forest? Little lady, I might not look busy, but I am, and I really don’t have time to fly down to South America,” the genie says.
“Oh, right. You’re from the 1960s, of course.” This guy is so fucking crazy. “Listen, I’ll just take you out to get some CDs, alright? I think there’s an old music shop downtown.”
The genie picks up the stereo and holds it as if it’s the most precious thing he's ever owned. Seriously, he is so weird. At this point, I'm ready to say anything if I think it will encourage him to leave.
“Little lady, you’ve been so helpful. I appreciate this wonderful gift. I will always cherish it. Since you've been so kind, in return, I shall grant you three wishes,” the genie says cheerfully.
Oh. My. God. He’s unhinged.
“You think you’re a genie? And that you can grant me wishes?” I ask.
“Little lady, I get it. You think, oh, he’s been trapped in a record player for 70 years, he must not have much going on in his life, let's play 20 questions. Well, to the contrary, I have a lot going on! I have decades of music to catch up on, and those records aren’t going to listen to themselves, mind you, and then I have to read up on the latest presidential candidates, of course. Very important to vote. I've never missed an election, if you can believe it. Well, aside from last 70 years or so, but that bit is hardly my fault, I don't think that counts, do you? Anyways, the point is, I'm a very busy genie. Really, I should be off to that music shop right now... but since you did help me escape that awful contraption, yes, three wishes, just for you,” the genie says.
This sounds crazy. Okay, okay, I’ll humor him. The sooner I make these ‘wishes’, the sooner he heads off to the music shop and out of my life forever.
“Oh, by the way, please don’t try the whole wishing for more wishes thing or anything clever like that. It’s three, okay? Just three. One, two, three, just like that. Trust me. You should see what happened to the last person that wanted more. Always be careful with wishes, little lady. They're granted as is. Really funny story, the lady that wanted more wishes. She might still be stuck in that time loop. You should have seen how red her face was. Well, actually, it probably still is red, given the circumstances,” the genie says with a big smile.
“Riiiiiight. Anyways. So, three wishes. And it’s any three wishes I want?” I ask.
“Yep! That’s the deal. Just make sure you really think them through. Can’t undo wishes, you know. Or well, I can, but trust me, not worth it, not hardly worth it. All sorts of time loop problems. But really, don’t worry, most people are pretty happy. Just make sure you think your wishes through. They’re granted as is. But other than that, yes, nothing to worry about. Do you need some suggestions? Wishing to meet your soulmate is a great one. People falling in love is so romantic, and I love making people happy. True love is so beautiful! It brings a tear to my eye,” the genie says wistfully.
Soulmate? Ugh. Screw that. I just got out of a nasty divorce. I had to take my ex-husband to the cleaners. Thankfully, I was able to buy this house with the money from the divorce settlement. I got almost everything. He totally deserved it, too. Okay, I mean, yes, I didn’t have to take his puppy, but he didn’t have to break up with me, so fair is fair.
“Yeah, I’m not feeling the soulmate thing. Honestly, I’m never getting married again. It was awful. Most of the time, I wish I never met my ex-husband,” I say.
“Wish granted!” the genie shouts cheerfully.
“Wait, I was just ranting, that wasn’t my –”
The room changes before my eyes. Holy crap. Is this guy actually a genie? Unreal. The room was full of old junk just seconds ago, but now it’s completely empty. The only thing here is this genie fellow and the stereo I gave him. Wow, look at the window. It’s so clean now, and beautifully adorned with light colored drapes. Everything in this old attic is completely different. It shouldn’t be possible.
“Honey, can you go to the store and grab some more paint?” a man shouts from downstairs.
“Sure, babe, need anything else while I’m out there?” a woman replies.
What's going on? This is my house!
“Um, mister genie fella, why are there people in my house? And why is it so cold? I never asked you to turn my house into a freezer,” I say angrily.
I look out the window and see a lady getting into her car. Speaking of cars...
“And where’s my car? What the hell?” I ask in a rage.
“Well, little lady, those nice people are the owners. As for your car, how should I know? It could belong to anyone now. That was quite a wish, you know. Really changed the fabric of time and space. I think you should have gone with the soulmate thing, but you know, can lead a horse to water, as they say,” the genie says.
“Okay, fine, whatever, we’re in bizzaro land and some strange couple owns my house now. Great. One problem at a time. Seriously, could you do something about the temperature? Why is it so fucking cold?” I ask.
“It’s not cold. You’re cold. There’s a difference, see?” the genie says helpfully.
“Okay, fine, if you want to be pedantic about it, why am I so fucking --”
I look down and freeze in horror as I realize that I’m standing in nothing but my bra and panties in front of a completely clear and open window.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME I WAS IN MY UNDERWEAR?” I yell.
When I come to my senses, I move away from the window and fold my arms in front of my chest. Oh my God. Anyone could have seen me just now. I might have to sell the house! Unbelievable. I could never live it down if anyone saw me in my underwear. I look ridiculous. I want my dress back! No one is supposed to see me like this except my husband!
“Oh, the underwear? You never asked. What a silly question. You know, little lady, I think you’re being a little unfair, taking your anger out on me and all. I just grant the wishes, okay? You’re the one that asked for whatever this mess is,” the genie says with a shrug.
“Genie! This isn’t what I wished for! Why would I ever wish for this? Where the hell is my dress?” I demand.
“Listen, little lady, you’re being awfully mean. I fulfilled your wish, nothing more, nothing less. I mean, I did warn you about being careful and all. But it’s okay. You still have two wishes to turn this all around. Now, really, I bet a soulmate could really help you fix this, and –”
“You humiliated me! You took my dress, my house, my car, and you’re going to sit here and lecture me? That wasn’t even a wish! I was just ranting. Can't you tell the difference? Apparently not. And to top it all off, I’m standing here in my underwear in what apparently is someone else’s house, and I don't even have a car to drive away in, not that I even have a house to go home to anymore. You want to know what I wish for, you stupid jerk genie? I WISH I WASN’T IN MY UNDERWEAR RIGHT NOW!”
“Wish granted,” the genie says with a smile.