The Order of the Membrum Virile

[spelvin]

Principal Victoria stood at the door of the counselling office at 10:30 one morning. “Miss Susan, would you mind doing playground duty right now? One of the regular staff members had a sudden emergency.”

Miss Susan said, “I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll be glad to.”

When Miss Susan stepped out into the playground, he was approached by Christophe. “Hi, Christophe. I see you’re developing an overall tan.”

Miss Susan and Christophe Confiant spent a lot of time together. Miss Susan was writing a dissertation on nudity in the public schools, and Christophe was one of her main sources.

Christophe answered, “Yes, that’s because I’m solid.”

“Solid? What does that mean? Oh, that’s right, you told me.” In their latest session, Christophe told Miss Susan about a game played with a coin toss. If you bet wrong on a coin toss, you have to attend school naked the next day. If you bet right, you don’t have to. In the schoolboys’ lingo, a “solid” is a student who has lost enough bets to attend school naked every day for the rest of the school year.

Christophe said, “I’ve been meaning to come to your office and tell you about another game we’ve been playing. It’s called flip-up.”

“Flip-up? How is it played?”

“Sit right here and I’ll show you. You see that girl talking? Her name is Geraldine. She’s busy talking with her friends, so she doesn’t know what’s going on around her.”

Christophe sneaked up behind Geraldine, flipped up her skirt, and ran. Geraldine and her friends ran after him. All of the boys, both naked and otherwise, ran up and fought the girls who were chasing Christophe. A grand melee resulted, and the girls finally won.

Geraldine sat down next to Miss Susan. The girls forcefully laid Christophe face down across Geraldine’s lap and forcefully held him there. Geraldine applied five powerful swats to Christophe’s bare bottom while the girls shouted, “You! Are! A! Bad! Boy!”

The girls released Christophe and applauded. “Yaaaay!”

Miss Susan said, “So that game is called flip-up?”

The children said, “That’s right.”

Miss Susan asked, “Do all of you play it?”

“No, some of the kids don’t want to play. Jacky says she doesn’t want to play.” They pointed out a girl who was wearing slacks.

“Miss Susan said, “I guess you can’t please everybody. I have another question: can a boy play this game if he’s not naked?”

The children answered with a resounding “No!”

A boy said, “If a boy wearing clothes flipped up a girl’s skirt, he’d be eating in the cafeteria by himself for a week!”

A girl said, “Who wants to spank blue denim! Yuk!”

Miss Susan asked, “Who came up with this game?”

One of the children said, “We all sorta made the game up, but Christophe was really the ringleader.”

A girl said, “We were studying poetry in language arts class, so we made up poems about Christophe. Mine went like this.”

She recited:

Christophe was a bad boy, Christophe was a cad.
Christophe was a brat who never listened to his dad.

Other girls recited their poems:

"Christophe was a bad boy, Christophe was a bum.
Christophe broke into a bar and stole a pint of rum."

"Christophe was a bad boy, Christophe was a devil.
Christophe was a misfit who in wickedness did revel."

"Christophe was a savage beast and Christophe was a cur.
Christophe was a troglodyte surrounded all in fur."

"Christophe was no gentleman, Christophe wasn’t nice.
Christophe came to school one day and plagued us all with lice."

The girl who recited the last poem said, “I just noticed something: they’re all in the past tense.”

Another girl said, “They’re all in two lines. And they have an A-A rhyme scheme.”

Miss Susan said, “Those are all very good poems. Christophe, I hope you don’t mind.”

Christophe showed an embarrassed smile. A boy next to Christophe put his hand on Christophe’s back said, “Nah, he doesn’t mind. Anyway, we have some poems of our own.”

Christophe said, “Oh, no, please.”

Christophe’s classmates ignored his plea and began shouting in unison:

"Christophe’s here and Christophe’s there and Christophe’s everywhere.
Come one, come all, we’ll have a ball. We’ll see girls’ underwear."

And another:

"Christophe’s keen and Chrisophe’s mean, the king of rule infraction.
So have no fear ‘cause Christophe’s here and now we’ll have some action."

And another:

"Christophe he’s just groovy, Christophe’s super-cool.
There’s no greater flip-up champ at any other school."

And another:

"Christophe is a good ol’ friend, Christophe is our brother.
He’s the greatest flip-up champ, beside him there’s no other."

After this recitation, another classmate said, “I wish we had the pictures to show you. In art class, the boys all drew pictures of boys flipping up girls’ skirts and the girls all drew pictures of girls spanking boys.”

Another child said, “We’ve all learned how to do a better job of drawing naked boys.”

A girl put her hand on Geraldine’s shoulder. “Especially Geraldine. She knows what a boy’s bum looks like. And she should, after all the times she’s seen the one on Christophe.”

Miss Susan said, “I’ll have to drop into the art classroom some time. I’d like to see some of the work you’ve done.”

A girl said, “The music teacher told us about canons. So we made up a canon about ‘you are a bad boy.’ Ready?” She hummed an E above middle C. They all joined in, both girls and boys, in singing a canon on the words “You are a bad boy.”

Other children joined in the conversation. “The song uses a triad—do, mi, and so.”

“We took this song to math class and showed it to the math teacher.”

“The first measure has three notes and the second measure has two notes. We do that four times. Four times the quantity three plus two equals twenty. That’s twenty notes.”

“One part sings for eight measures and rests for one measure. The other part rests for one measure and sings for one measure. And they come out the same. So addition is commutative.”

Miss Susan said, “Well, that is a very impressive game! Did you kids come up with this game all by yourselves?”

Christophe said, “Not exactly. You inspired us.”

Miss Susan said, “I inspired you? How?”

“Remember the talk you gave us on win-win situations?”

“Yes.”

“We devised this game because everybody wins. The girls got attention from the boys whether they caught me or not. And the boys got attention from the girls whether they caught me or not.”

“That is really something! What did you say this game is called? Flip-up?”

“That’s right.”

A regular teacher came out the door. “I’ll round them up, Miss Susan. Thank you very much.”
When Miss Susan arrived back at her office, Miss Vicky came to the door again. “Miss Susan, I hate to bother you again, but you’re needed at the office.”

Miss Susan said, “What’s the problem?”

“It’s an irate parent. She doesn’t like boys coming to school with no clothes on. She thinks it interferes with the children’s school work.”

* * * * *
Miss Susan was getting ready to go home after a hard day’s work. She heard a light tap on the open door. She looked and saw Christophe Confiant with a cheerful smile on his face.

“Miss Susan, I am about to be ordained in a very important ceremony, and I would like for you to be present.”

“Ordained into what?”

Christophe shrugged. “Come to the ceremony and find out. It’s in Mrs. Smith’s classroom.”

Miss Susan said, “Fine. You run along and I’ll catch up. I’ll try not to miss any of the ceremony.”

Miss Susan gathered up her belongings, turned off the light, and locked the door. In Mrs. Smith’s classroom, she saw Christophe’s bare body kneeling at Maja’s feet. While a few of their friends were watching, Maja was performing a ritual.

“Do you promise to carry out your duties to the best of your ability?”

“I do.”

“Do you promise to accept our care, guidance, and direction?”

“I do.”

“Do you promise obedience to the Order?”

“I do.”

“Do you promise to wear your holy vestment every day and every hour?”

“I do.”

“Do you promise to attend to the ceremony for the penitent members of the Diocese?”

“I do.”

“I now pronounce you priest for the Diocese of Mrs. Smith’s Homeroom.” Christophe rose from his kneeling position and accepted Maja’s “right hand of fellowship.” He then accepted a sheet of paper from one of Maja’s classmates.

While his friends got out the cookies and grape juice, Christophe proudly showed his new document to Miss Susan. It said, "This is to certify that Christophe Confiant is a priest in the Order of the Membrum Virile."

* * * * *

The principal again stood at Miss Susan’s door and knocked on the door frame. “Miss Susan, I hate to impose on you at the last minute, but the playground attendant had an emergency. Would you mind covering for her?”

Miss Susan said, “That’s fine. I’ll be glad to.”

When Miss Susan arrived outside, she was cheerfully greeted by one of the children. “You are just in time for the ceremony.”

The children were all quietly watching a girl who was genuflecting at the feet of Christophe. Her face was inches away from Christophe’s glorious icon. The girl said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The girl proceeded. “I told the teacher that the dog ate my homework. But I bore false witness. It wasn’t the dog, it was the cat that ate my homework.”

By this time, everyone could see that some blood was rushing to Christophe’s Member. “Last week, I saw a boy I liked walking home with another girl. The next time I saw him, I told him I didn’t like him anymore anyway. I lied.”

The girl sobbed, “Last weekend, I was babysitting my cousin, and he wouldn’t act right. I lied to him and told him the bogeyman would get him. I lied to him. I told him about the bogeyman instead of the Devil.”

Christophe’s Member was pointing straight toward the girl. “In math class last week, I missed an addition problem because I forgot to carry the two. In band class yesterday, I missed a B-flat. In another piece, I missed an F-sharp.

“In English class this morning—in English class—” She whimpered. “Oh, Father, please forgive me! In English class, I dangled a participle!” She broke down in tears.

“This is all I can remember. I am sorry for these and all my sins.”

With his member pointing heavenward, Christophe held up one hand. “I absolve thee from all thy sins and restore thee to the perfect peace of the Order of the Membrum Virile. Go in peace.” The multitude rejoiced. As every devout believer in the Order knows, an erection of the priest’s Member is a sign that the girl’s sins have been forgiven.

With the ceremony over, the boys went their way and the girls went theirs. Christophe sneaked up and flipped up a girl’s skirt. Another round of the flip-up game ensued, and Christophe was again punished as a bad boy.