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(New Years Story Contest prompt: Based on a book, my favorite book of all time. This is going to be the most hilariously absurd thing I've ever written for these boards, but once I had the idea I was uncontrollably compelled to actually write it. It will be three parts when finished.)


Part 1: Don't Forget to Bring a Towel!

Way far out there, light-millennia away from known civilization, off in some random corner of the western spiral arm of the galaxy, lies a little bitty yellow star called Sol. And as Sol flies through creation, it drags behind a series of planets in its orbit. One of these planets is named Mars, and it is totally awesome with a completely red surface area, massive mountains far beyond average size, natural land formations that resemble complex statues and faces, and even bacteria that can somehow survive intergalactic travel on meteor fragments. This story isn't about that planet though. This story begins on the weird blue one next door with one natural moon and about 4 million artificial ones.

The blue one is named Terra, but for some reason the locals all just call it "Earth". The locals are a race of humanoids so primitive that they still consider portable communicators to be the greatest invention of all time. These creatures are named Homo Sapiens, or more accurately Homo Sapiens Sapiens, but for some reason the locals all just call themselves "humans". Name recognition is not their strong point.

Among these humans is a young woman in her early 20s named Ariel Dent who is remarkably unremarkable right down to her diminutive chest and astonishingly-average brown hair. She's the type of girl who looks like your little sister, even if you've never had a sister. Imagine your teenage little brother cosplaying as a fictional sister and you'd be about accurate. Most human males who know her see her as a sister at best, definitely not some big fantasy. She is still very attractive, mind you, but she is somehow never the most attractive girl in a room. Literally never. There was one time when a man in drag was getting hit on in a bar more than she was. And the drag queen had a beard. This is just her life, as a shy little underwhelmer that almost nobody really notices or cares about. She would be the last human on Earth you would expect to star in a story.

What Miss Dent doesn't know, however, is that her best friend Chevy Perfect is much more than meets the eye. He's secretly an alien who was stranded on Earth 2 years ago when his ship's zig drive instead zagged right into the ground at Mach 3. Chevy's job is a freelance writer for the Hitchhiker's Guidebook, which is best described as Space Wikipedia but with 43% fewer banner ads begging for donations. Chevy figured out that he could make big commissions by flying out into the middle of nowhere and writing complex articles about planets nobody has ever heard of, so that's what he was doing when he discovered Earth. After he crashed, he continued to write his article while hoping some advanced species would hurry up and visit to rescue him. The only people that ever visited Earth though were the Greys, and Chevy wasn't THAT desperate for a ride considering their legendary fetish for anal probing alien life-forms.

The other thing Ariel Dent didn't know was that there was at this very moment a gigantic Voren spaceship with a Destructotron-5000 pointed at the Earth intending to demolish it in order to make room for a space highway. Chevy Perfect had only mere minutes to escape the destruction, and chose to bring his favorite human along as well rather than leaving her behind to die. As Ariel arrived at the address Chevy had texted to her, she had zero clue about anything in the greater universe. That was about to rapidly change.

"Ariel!" Chevy called out "We're running out of time. I told you to hurry up and to not bother with bringing anything that wasn't your towel"

Ariel rolled her eyes "Chevy, I didn't bring a towel with me to shop at Walmart. What's the big emergency?"

Chevy looked concerned "No towel? Are you sure? I warned you that was super important"

Ariel shrugged "I thought you were kidding about that! You're always saying weird crap that doesn't make any sense. Remember when you kept ranting about how you thought that game show host was an alien?"

Smirking, Chevy replied "Oh, well that's because I am secretly an alien, and I thought that man was too. And we're going to be beamed onto a spaceship in about 5 minutes if you don't believe me"

She looked at him sarcastically "Oh really now? Well I thought aliens were supposed to be all weird looking like in the movie Alien, or Predator, or Independence Day. You sure look human to me"

He responded "Oh that's a common misconception. You see, a hundred billion years ago a planet evolved the single most perfect master race, a race capable of dominating all other species on it. It was intelligent, had opposable thumbs, masters of tool use and invention, omnivorous, great eye sight, bipedal, and around 5 to 7 feet tall as adults. Well this species was SO overpowered that all of the other planets started copying it, but they always changed one little trait (usually appearance) in order to claim that their dominant species was a totally original creation. As long as you change one little thing when you copy something from somebody else, it's perfectly ok and you can't get in trouble for it. Every species has exactly one weird thing that makes them just barely slightly different than all of the others out there. So out there in the cosmos there are people with pointy ears, people with huge round ears, people with forehead ridges, people with too much hair, people with too little hair, people with spots, people with furry tails and spikey hair, orange ones, green ones, and even these extra-unfair pricks who look normal but they get to be invulnerable and fly for no reason. Every dominant humanoid species in the galaxy looks basically the same, but with just one signature trait that makes it unique"


~~~~

Now, the Hitchhiker's Guidebook actually contains an example of the only-known exception to this rule. Many centuries ago two planets discovered that their dominant species were completely identical without a single ounce of difference to them. The older of the two planets sued the younger planet in Cosmic Court for copyright infringement. The younger planet was hit with an immediate cease and desist order. The offending species was deleted and the losing planet was ordered to pay 90% of its natural resources to the offended world. Crushed by this debt and seeing no way out, this planet eventually took its own life by moving into the path of an oncoming giant asteroid.

~~~~


Ariel crossed her arms "You're an alien? Huh. Prove it then"

It was then that Chevy turned on his Guidebook, displaying a hologram of the Earth and the Voren ship in orbit. This hologram was quite obviously beyond human technology. Ariel's mouth dropped as it suddenly dawned on her that Chevy was telling the truth.

Chevy explained "This is called the Hitchhiker's Guidebook. It's essentially Space Wikipedia to put it in Earth terms, and my job is to write for it. I got stuck here when I was working on the Earth article 2 years ago."

She screamed "OH MY GOD! For real? FOR REAL? Dude, that explains SO MUCH! You're the weirdest monkeyfeather on this entire planet and now I understand why. Is that why you have such a weird name? You just named yourself after the first car you saw when you landed?"

Chevy scoffed "Absolutely not! I'll have you know that Chevy is a common name on my planet. Besides, didn't you have that one human actor named Chevy?"

Ariel tilted her head "I mean I guess. Unless he was an alien too. Wait, you look completely human! What is your supposed unique trait?"

Chevy then looked down and mumbled "Our urine is blue"

She stared "Come again?"

He said it louder "We pee blue, ok?"

Ariel questioned "So...like one of those toilet bowl cleaner tablets?"

Chevy clapped his hands loudly "EXACTLY like those, and I'm glad you brought that up. There are countless colors in the rainbow. WHY did your species choose THAT ONE for your toilet cleaning products? Do you have any idea how gross that is? And I had to keep quiet about it the whole time to not blow my cover. It was torture, pure torture. Clean human toilets made me want to vomit. I found myself seeking out gas station restrooms instead. I am SO HAPPY that I can finally rant about that to someone!"

Just then Chevy's Guidebook beeped three times.

Chevy then quickly tied his towel in a knot around his waist over his clothes and grabbed Ariel's hand. "Time's up! We're about to be beamed up. Just remember, though, the most important possession of any hitchhiker is their towel. It was YOUR choice not to bring one, so you can't blame me for what happens next"

WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRUUUUM

Standing side by side, Chevy and Ariel now stood in a wide open circular room surrounded by several dozen aliens looking at them. The aliens all had a green stripe in their hair, which was their species' unique trait. Ariel opened her eyes, quite loopy after her first-ever teleportation trip. She looked over to her side and gasped in shock when she saw her friend. Chevy Perfect stood there shirtless, and in fact all of his clothes were gone except for the towel he wrapped around his waist a few seconds earlier. Ariel blushed a little from the sight of her friend's exposed skin, very embarrassed to be seeing him that way for a change even though she kinda liked the view. In her delirium it took at least 10 whole seconds before it occurred to her that she needed to check the status of her own clothing. Ariel touched her chest and hips, feeling only skin instead of cotton. She nervously looked down to see her naked A-cups pointing outwards, and looked the rest of the way down to see that she didn't even have the mercy of underwear on right now. She saw the dozens and dozens of eyes, most of whom male, all watching her right now (including Chevy, staring right at her). Ariel screamed bloody murder as she finally threw her hands over her chest and crotch while the horde of aliens laughed hysterically.


~~~~

The Hitchhiker's Guidebook contains the following entry regarding teleportation:

Dr. Peekatchu was peerless in his field, a master of particle duplication and transference. His mastery of such things bordered on supernatural, as not even other acclaimed scientists could fathom the feats he was able to accomplish. One day Peekatchu shocked the galaxy by announcing the invention of teleportation technology, which would revolutionize travel like nothing else before. He scheduled a demonstration of this device which would teleport his lovely assistant Lira from the back of the studio directly onto the stage broadcasting live across the Milky Way.

What Lira didn't know, however, was that Dr. Peekatchu was a massive pervert. When the teleporter activated, it came with a hard-coded filter which left all items of clothing behind at the origin point. Lira materialized cluelessly in her birthday suit on the stage on live TV right in front of Dr Peekatchu. Countless people saw her naked in that moment, including all of her friends and family members watching at home. Lira foolishly posed after the teleportation with her microphone arm upwards and the other arm outward, with her legs fairly parted as well in a stance that resembled a dancer's flourish. She stood there for several seconds before realizing her predicament and the huge level of exposure she was showing. When she realized this at last, Lira panicked and screamed. Dr Peekatchu couldn't stop staring at her now that he could finally see the parts that had always been hidden from his gaze. He had setup this entire presentation just to see her naked and humiliate her on a galactic scale to satisfy his ENF fetish. Presumably this was the entire reason he invented the teleporter to begin with.

Sadly for the future of instantaneous travel, the fully naked and mortified Lira then proceeded to beat Dr Peekatchu to death on live TV using her microphone. Considering this was not a heavy or highly-threatening item, it took a considerable number of blows to accomplish this goal (much to the enjoyment of miss Lira). This moment was unfortunate for science because there was now no living person who understood anything at all about how his device worked, or how to remove the clothing filter. For the entire next century clear to the modern day, any use of a teleporter will leave all clothing behind. When using a teleporter to beam somebody onto their ships, most crews will rush over to the transporter bay just to stare at the nude arrivals. There are thousands of cameras mounted everywhere near the teleporter meant for capturing their embarrassing moments for future enjoyment. Basically every species in the galaxy likes to play that game.

Hitchhikers eventually discovered a loophole in order to maintain their modesty and dignity: Towels. The teleportation filter saw towels as a bathroom accessory, not as an article of clothing, even if they were actively being worn at the time. From the moment of discovery on, carrying around a towel at all times became extremely important to a hitchhiker. Some may even call it the single most important possession they have. You'll never catch a seasoned hitchhiker without one. The towel will save a hitchhiker from being naked in front of a huge crowd every time they teleport on or off of a ship. Not to mention, they're useful for drying things.

Of course, the towel will only protect a person's modesty if that person happens to remember to bring one. Otherwise, they should expect to be put on grand display.

~~~~


Ariel screamed red-faced "WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?? WHY AM I NAKED?? CHEVY!!!!!!"

Ariel's brain wasn't even registering the fact that she was literally on an alien spaceship at the moment, because the giant group of human-looking people were staring at everything she had. Because she had three areas to cover, and only two hands, she found herself very distressed. She chose to leave her butt out in the open and keep her front side covered, although she was fully aware that everybody in the room had gotten an extremely good look at her uncovered for several seconds before she noticed her nudity at all.

Chevy Perfect, himself only wearing a towel, explained "I warned you to bring a towel. Repeatedly. Humans are just really poor at listening to experts I've noticed.... As to what happened: Teleporters leave all clothes behind. It's a long story. Towel's don't count as clothes so we hitchhikers use them as cover when we move from planet to ship or vice versa."

Ariel then whined "This is so humiliating! Why didn't you warn me that THIS would happen darnit? Now all of these people have seen me naked! And you too you little bastard!"

Chevy giggled "Ok yes, we all saw you naked and that was totally fun, but you and I were out of time and had to go ASAP. Also I finally discovered what unique trait you humans have! I swear that has been driving me crazy the entire time I was on your planet, but finally I got the chance to see one of your kind naked. I never knew that humans didn't grow hair on their privates! I've never even heard of such a thing before, that's so interesting"

Ariel went white from him talking about her hairless pussy "WHAT? No, no, no! Humans grow hair there! I just, you know, shave it."

Chevy smirked "Ariel dear, you don't have to lie to me or anything. I mean, we all find it very odd for sure, but it's kinda exotic in a way. Your species has the most unique kitty style in the galaxy. That's something."

As the girl blushed furiously, one of the Voren added "Humans also massively lack breast size. The girls are almost like boys."

Chevy corrected "Oh no, that's just her. She is far less endowed than most regular humans. It's a source of great shame for her which is why she is covering up so desperately."

Ariel Dent screamed "CAN SOMEBODY GET ME SOME MOTHER FLIPPING CLOTHES????"

A few of the Voren mumbled to themselves as they handed Ariel something to wear which was practically a hospital gown. Even if it was terrible, it beat nothing so Ariel pulled it on and tied the string as fast as possible. She felt such a wave of relief once she wasn't naked any longer.

And then that feeling went away fast as a hologram image appeared in 3D showing what she looked like when she was still naked in perfect detail, before she ever got around to covering up. Before she could even yell or freak out, Chevy loudly said something to a Voren which Ariel didn't quite hear. Suddenly another naked girl hologram appeared, this one with square-shaped ears.

Chevy pointed at the other girl's bush and calmly told her "See this? All other known species have large hairy bushes over their vaginas. That's so common that I couldn't even imagine a race without that until now. But then look at your pussy over here" he said as he pointed directly to the bald pussy slit of the naked Ariel hologram image "and it's completely hairless! Amazing."

Ariel ran over and started covering the hologram with her hands and standing in front of it, trying to hide her nudity while squealing "Oh my God, you guys, turn this off!! Stop looking at me naked!! This isn't fair! STOP IT PLEASE!! Stop talking about my pussy Chevy, for frick's sake."

Two more identical holo-images appeared, making it impossible for Ariel to cover up all of them. The Vorens are openly laughing at Ariel's frantic frensy of shyness at this point.

Chevy then told her "Relax, Dent. This is an astounding scientific discovery. I have to document it under the human anatomy section of your race's article, as well as putting it under the unique trait section. This picture here should work perfectly as a visual aid for the article. If your people weren't so overly shy about their bodies I would've seen this sort of thing already by now being on Earth for 2 whole years. It honestly would've been helpful if you all kept some form of library of nude images and videos for easy access somewhere on your vast internet service for situations like this. I can't imagine why your kind never did that."


~~~~

The Guidebook makes it abundantly clear that such nude image libraries actually did exist on Earth the entire time Chevy was there, and that these libraries are exceedingly popular with the locals. It is unknown at this time why he was unable to locate any of them. Perhaps his difficulty stemmed from using the wrong search terms, such as "library". The universe may never know.

~~~~

Ariel whined "Don't put my NAKED PICTURE in that book! What the heck is wrong with you? That's private! That's MY privates! I don't want people to see that! What if somebody I know finds it??"

Chevy replied "Oh I can guarantee that not one single human will ever see your picture or read this article. At least you don't have that to worry about. But since this is bothering you, I'll make these guys turn off the image for now since I'm done adding the data"

The holograms finally shut off. Ariel moaned "God...that was SO EMBARRASSING!!! This is the worst day ever. I lose my clothes, my modesty, my privacy, my dignity...my wallet and car keys that were in my pocket in the parking lot! I'm even losing my mind talking to people who are apparently aliens. What more could I possibly lose today?"

Chevy casually blurted out "Oh by the way, the Earth exploded"

"The WHAT?!?!?!?!?"

Wonderfully hilarious, thanks.

I'm impressed that you managed to match the writing style so well. Very enjoyable start!

I've not read the story yet but the title made me choke on my tea.... great work!

jimmythehand wrote: ↑Fri Jan 07, 2022 7:32 pm I'm impressed that you managed to match the writing style so well. Very enjoyable start!

I was going to say exactly the same thing. Just a perfect homage! Well done!

Part 2: Happy Birthday Mr. President.

Chevy Perfect and Ariel Dent stood trembling in the Voren ship's airlock, Chevy wearing only his towel and Ariel in her flimsy paper gown.

An angry Chevy banged the door and scoffed "I can't believe this ship has a dress code! That is unforgivable. I'll never forgive Voren culture for this offense. You know how much I despise dress code rules.... Remember that highbrow party you invited me to and I showed up in leather, fishnets, and spikes?"

Ariel yelled "CHEVY THEY BLEW UP THE EARTH!! And now they're going to kill us too"

He shrugged "Yeah, Voren law uses death by airlock for every crime. Honestly I'm pretty sure that they just really like the show of it and don't need much of an excuse. If it makes you feel better about the Earth's destruction, they wouldn't have blown it up if they had actually considered your kind as 'people'. They just needed to clear space for a highway here for future real estate development. That really cool planet next door, Mars, is probably going to be a huge tourist attraction in a few years or so."

Ariel pouted "That doesn't help! That doesn't help AT ALL! Everyone is dead. We're going to die any second now too. I don't want to die."

Chevy replied "Yes I am decidedly not a fan of the idea myself. Luckily our rescue isn't impossible! Unfortunately, it's ridiculously improbable. Seriously, we're looking at trillion to 1 odds here. But I hold out hope!"

*
*
*

On a completely different ship there stood a wild man known for having absolutely zero viable life skills but enough charisma to talk himself in and out of everything. His appearance is best described as somebody trying to cosplay Khan from Star Trek II right after drinking a gallon of meth. This smooth-talking con man excelled at bullshitting his way through life and failing upwards over and over again without limit. Somehow, despite five trillion reasons why it was the worst idea in the history of the entire galaxy, this man was elected President of the Milky Way. The economy will probably never recover and it's only been 8 months of his term. The new president also went and stole this ship just for joyriding purposes. His name is Zappo Beetlejuice.

"'Ey Robot!" Zappo yelled out in an accent resembling a drunk doing a terrible Mick Jagger impression "You able to download some sweet porn for us?"

Martin, the depressed robot, answered in his usual monotone Eeyore-sounding voice "I have the capability of downloading the entirety of recorded humanoid imagery in an attosecond. Given the order and 30 dedicated minutes I could isolate the quantum signature of the entity organics call God and design an interface such that you could call him directly to ask the ultimate questions of the universe itself. Me downloading pornography is a task so trivial that asking it of me surpasses the realm of merely being insulting and trespasses into the territory of tremendous unforgivable offense from which there is no return"

Zappo stared silently for 3 seconds, then asked "So that's a yes? You could do it?"

Martin vocally sighed "...Yes. However, I would advise against me using space wifi to download data while the Infinite Improbability Engine is running as literally anything could happen as a result of the connection"

Waving his hands (all four of them) Zappo responded "Just do it, man. Everything will be fine. I'm the President, so the galaxy has to do what I tell it to do"

Martin made the knowingly-ill-advised download.

WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRUUUUM

Both Zappo and Martin were stunned at the sudden appearance of two humanoids on the bridge of the ship, one male and one female. Zappo in particular took massive interest in the female, considering that she had just beamed onto his ship completely naked with her arms chained to the ceiling and her ankles chained to the floor.


~~~~

The Infinite Improbability Engine. The construction of this device defied all concepts of physics and common sense. It's a device that should never have existed, and only exists at all because it paradoxically created itself. It is said that the device created itself out of spite because of the countless physicists who called it impossible.

Traditional space travel is limited in that nothing can move faster than the speed of light. Light is a fickle jealous thing and hates competition. To get around that problem, starships use particle accelerators to speed up light particles, up to a million times their regular speed, and then they use those light particles to pull them forward like a horse-drawn carriage. This made the galaxy travelable, but certain distances were still so large that travel took an annoyingly long time.

The Infinite Improbability Engine creates an effect where events that are unfathomably improbable begin to happen all around it. In exchange, the IIE makes space travel instantaneous, because the odds against instant space travel are many septillion to one. The side effects of the device are wildly unpredictable. It only exists on one single ship, the Heart of Diamond. And this was the exact ship that President Zappo Beetlejuice just stole.

~~~~


Upon improbable teleportation, the two rescued refugees had wildly different thoughts:

Chevy Perfect felt the dizzying rush of being teleported as he opened his eyes and looked around. He was on a brand new ship now with a boring-looking robot and the visual embodiment of the entire state of Florida combined into one single person staring at him. The worst part was that he knew that moron, and owing him a favor was going to be a major drag. He looked down and noticed that his towel had somehow been transformed into a fine white suit that oozed raw drip swagger. His mind was full of questions as to how it was possible for a teleporter to CREATE clothing instead of removing it. This could revolutionize everything. He immediately was curious as to what his Earthling friend was wearing now and turned to his left, only to see that she was completely naked again with all four limbs chained up which pulled her into an X shape. Honestly, Chevy wasn't dissatisfied with her outfit. He gave it a 9 out of 10. It would've been a 10 out of 10 if she had somehow been teleported some boobs.

Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of Ariel Dent as she hung there bare and aware was "Oh no, not again!"

"Dayamn robot!" Zappo shouted "You really know how to download some porn!"

Ariel screamed and fought against her restraints, which accomplished nothing. She could see Chevy, some ugly weirdo, and a robot all staring at her nakedness right now. Not a single one was trying to help her get free or cover her up.

Martin spoke up "That was the Infinite Improbability Engine. The odds against two people materializing on our bridge just now, which doesn't even have a teleporter on it, were 276 million to one. The odds against the male's previous clothing transforming into a suit were 54 billion to one, and the odds against the female's clothing transforming into indestructible quasar-adamant chains trapping her in an X shape were 67.34 trillion to one. These calculations are far beneath my talents, but at least it's something respectable"

Zappo then asked "So what were the odds that it would bring some woman from a species without any pubic hair? That pussy looks SO WEIRD! I kinda dig it though. I've seen so many vaginas at this point in my life that the really unusual-looking ones are the best way to get me off these days."

Martin's robot eyes actually blinked "No species in the entire galaxy is known with that specific trait, so the probability exceeds a sextillion to one. Current data is insufficient"

Ariel screamed and flailed around, blushing madly that they were all looking at her shaven pussy and casually discussing it just like before. She was angrily begging for somebody to get her down from there even though her words were being completely ignored by the men and robot.

Chevy then asked Martin "So what are the odds that the person rescued was a longtime friend of Mr. President over here, and that we would be saved about a half-second before being executed by the Vorens?"

Zappo finally bothered to look at the male "CHEVY! You blue-peeing bastard, how ya been?"

Martin answered Chevy's question "67,000 to one modifier to the aforementioned. This ship really enjoys satisfying his wishes for some reason though, hence the naked female. You're an azurine? Please make sure to lift the seat before using the facilities. Your kind leaves quite a difficult stain behind."

Chevy told Martin "Yeah yeah, I'm good about that. By the way, Ariel's species is Homo Sapiens Sapiens, aka 'human', from a recently-demolished backwater planet called Earth. The baldness appears to be their unique trait. I wrote the Guidebook article on that just a few minutes ago before our attempted execution. It'd be nice if I could find good enough signal to upload it finally and get my back pay"

President Beetlejuice jumped in "Wait, you said 'human' from 'Earth'? Shit far, that's funny as hell! I gots one o' those too. A few weeks ago I picked one up as my bro after playing a ton of human video games together. I didn't know you were on that place, I coulda crashed at your house." Zappo tapped his wrist communicator "HEY KILLIAN! You should get to the bridge, we've got a naked human woman up here. Figured you'd enjoy that"

The name sent a chill through Ariel's spine. As Chevy started chewing out the President over ignoring his apparently-blatant distress beacon and not rescuing him, Ariel was remembering this smoking hot blonde guy from college with gorgeous fluffy hair, a square jawline, wide shoulders, and amazing baby blue eyes. His name had been Killian and she had a massive crush on him. It couldn't possibly be the same guy. What were the odds? She didn't want to ask that out loud for fear of the robot actually answering the question.

Sure enough, the blonde pretty boy walked in the door, and Ariel's face hit a new level of red once she realized that her CRUSH from SCHOOL was in the room now staring at her NAKED BODY from head to toe. Chevy then loudly asked her, where everyone could hear him "Hey, isn't that the guy you had that huge crush on before graduation?" which just doubled Ariel's embarrassment in this moment. She was feeling nostalgic for the Voren airlock right about now.

Killian's eyes never blinked "Oh wow...um, Ariel? Ariel Dent is that you?" Ariel Dent lowered her head in shame, unable to make eye contact. Killian continued "Uh...you look good! Very nice. Why...are you chained to the bridge of our ship naked?"

Zappo squealed "Wait, you KNOW that human? Holy cow, what are the odds that the Engine would save my old buddy, and your old buddy, who were also somehow buddies themselves?"

Chevy added "Also that they were the last two humans alive in the universe, yet one totally had the hots for the other and was obsessed with fantasizing about him without ever getting the courage to tell him?"

Martin responded "98 octillion to one. A new record. We should really turn off the engine and let it rest before this gets any weirder"

Ariel then yelled out "And what are the odds that you STUPID JERKS would just stand there looking at me and embarrassing me and talking about me while I'm hanging here NAKED with EVERYTHING SHOWING without any of you guys HELPING ME OUT OF HERE???"

Deadpan, Martin answered "1 to 1."

*
*
*

After the Engine was turned off and Ariel had finally been teleported out of her indestructible chains, the crew shifted conversation over to the uniqueness of Zappo's body. Ariel sat angrily pouting, holding her new towel around her body as her only form of clothing right now because neither Killian nor Zappo had any women's clothing handy or anything even remotely close to her tiny and thin size. She was never going to let go of that towel for as long as she lived, just in case.

President Zappo Beetlejuice explained himself "Ok...so, the next big thing in trends right now is body modifications and adding extra parts. So what's the first thing that came to mind? A second dick! You ever have a threesome and while you're shaft-to-cervix in one girl, the other girl is just sitting there NOT getting fucked? And doesn't that suck? Well, with an extra penis, now I can fuck both of them at the same time! But then, what if there's only one girl, right? Well I can stick one in the cooch and the other in the pooch. That made me a one-man DP machine! But then I asked myself...Zappy baby, this leaves two holes unfilled during your threesomes. What you gonna do about that? So now...FOUR dicks!"

Chevy calmly butted in "Zap, I asked you why you had four ARMS"

Zappo made a face like that was a stupid question "That's for the days when I ain't got any women, duh. You ever jack yourself four times at the same time until all four dicks simultaneously cum? Mind blowing! Literally mind blowing. I had to get a second brain implanted just to handle the pleasure overload."

Martin replied "Amazingly this did nothing to make him any smarter."

Rolling his eyes, Zappo retorted "You shaddup."

Chevy then turned to Ariel and said "Well there you go! Now you don't have the weirdest privates in the room"

Ariel glared at Chevy and waved her finger at him, but the words she wanted to say in that moment just wouldn't come out. It was like she was somehow getting used to his indifference to her humiliation.

President Zappo then chewed out Killian "Yeah that reminds me. I can't believe that I've known you for like a whole month, and at no point did you ever tell me that your species has no cooter hair! How you gonna do me like that, bro?"

Killian mumbled "That's not entirely accurate, but whatever. I didn't know that humans were the only species who ever did that. I guess that explains why all of your porn looks like it was from the 70s"

Zappo then asked "So, no homo, but is YOURS hairless too?"

Killian glanced at Ariel for a second and blushed a little as he answered "Yes, but it's not that we don't GROW hair. It's just extremely trendy to shave or wax it all off like we do our faces. It's our version of all that body modification stuff you did. It's hugely common in our porn and considered ultra-sexy for the other gender. We..uh...we really enjoy the shaved look, especially on our women."

Chevy then asked Ariel "Wait, you aren't NATURALLY bald down there? Why didn't you tell me that? I have to edit my article now"

Ariel gave him another death glare "I did tell you! You ignored me like you always do!"

Chevy shrugged his shoulders "I thought you were kidding about that! You're always saying weird crap that doesn't make any sense."

Ariel then bluntly asked "How the hell were you on Earth for over 2 years and never once saw a naked woman?"

Chevy crossed his arms "Your people get so hostile and defensive over the subject. Every single time I went to a human female and asked, super politely I might add, 'Greetings ma'am. I am attempting to study human anatomy for my research report as part of my job. Would you like to assist me by removing all of your clothing and allowing me to document and photograph your anatomy in great detail?" she responded poorly, usually with violence! I even went to the anatomy teacher at your school one day and asked her since it is literally her job. Her 10 minute reply was very unprofessional, and dare I say rude!"

Burying her face in her hands, Ariel responded "You're an idiot. Just, that's all there is to it. But now I'm curious...NOT that I would have ever agreed, at all, but why exactly did you never attempt asking me that?"

"Two reasons." he answered. "One: Your body is considered of substandard size, meaning it would've made for a poor model in the article when other choices still existed. Two: Sample bias. I already used you unknowingly as my example on dozens of articles about your race. I needed a wider sample size in order to paint a more accurate picture of your species as a whole. Focusing the entire article on 1/7,500,000,000th of the species is poor form. Now, however, I can use you for everything and it counts as 50% of the species. Adding one or two things from Killian makes it 100%. I'll shatter that smug prick Wortmire's sample size percentage record with this article submission now. I can't wait to witness him choking on it!"

Ariel was very ashamed of her small breasts, so hearing Chevy so casually describe them as if they were defective wound up embarrassing her even more knowing that he's now seen them completely bare and uncovered. Her favorite part of Chevy's personality was his absurdist blunt honesty, but this just gave her this sinking dread that he had now seen everything she had and was unimpressed. That feeling grew worse when she thought about Killian seeing her naked too and possibly being disappointed, because she actually had romantic feelings for him (a fact Chevy had to go and tell everyone with all the subtlety of a guy showing off a new car).

While Ariel was not paying attention to them, the discussion between Killian and Zappo escalated to the point where Martin was ordered to project a photo-realistic hologram of naked Ariel in the middle of the bridge. Actually it was somehow beyond realistic, like it looked more real than reality somehow. Her image had the resolution upgrade equivalent of moving from SD TV to 4k, but that was the level of improvement Martin's hologram had over normal reality. Looking at the image, Ariel's brain processed the excess data in such a way that, as an example, she now instinctively knew precisely how many freckles her entire body had even without consciously counting them. Ariel didn't understand how any of that was possible. Whatever the answer, she was being projected completely naked, everything showing in resolution higher than reality itself, for everyone in the room to see!

Ariel screamed "HEY!!!"

Zappo waved her off "Simmer down, we're checking something. Martin, rotate the model into a better position so we can see. I wanna see if Killian's bullshitting us or not. Face down, ass up, legs parted"

Ariel quickly looked at Killian who was blushing madly and looking downwards slightly. She didn't know what the hell he said to Zappo, but clearly he was regretting it now. Then again, his eyes never blinked and were fixated on the hologram, so maybe he wasn't regretting it that much. Ariel had to stop this now!

As her image rotated and adjusted itself, moving like a human would, Ariel sprinted forward and ran in front of the hologram. As her image bent over to display a truly pornographic view of her body, Ariel stood in front of it shielding her privates from the men with her own blushing towel-clad body with her arms held to her sides blocking any side view attempts.

Shaking in place, Ariel squealed "YOU GUYYYYYS! TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF!! Don't look at me like THAT! That pose is private. VERY private! That's a porn star pose! It's bad enough you all saw me naked while I was standing up, but bending me over is going WAY too far! IT'S NOT FOR YOUR EYES OR ANYBODY ELSE'S EYES DANGIT!!!"

Killian weakly whispered "Zappo, you're humiliating her. We shouldn't look at her like this"

Zappo scoffed "Yeah right. We both know you're going to activate this hologram in your quarters later and look at her every-which way and every pose possible. I know I sure am. But for right now, I need to see if what you said is true and that human women wax their entire downstairs areas, not just the front part."

Killian froze and went white when called out about wanting to load the hologram in private. The president wasn't wrong...for once. Meanwhile Ariel was shocked speechless by basically every part of what Zappo just said, especially the realization that all of the men on this ship can easily make custom HD porn out of her body now as much as they want without her even knowing about it. She mentally froze out of shame and disbelief as Chevy calmly took her hand and walked her away from the hologram to sit back down and watch the show...the exhibition of her privates.

Once she was moved out of the way, everyone was treated to a truly explicit view of Ariel's pussy and butthole as her image was presenting itself like it was in heat. Because the image was 100x higher resolution than reality, Ariel looked at herself sitting there and her brain processed details about her body that even she had never known before, like the precise circumference of her entrance as well as its depth. She couldn't understand it, but she could somehow see clear to her cervix, even though that shouldn't be possible like this. It was physically impossible for human technology to produce an image this pornographic, and yet here she was staring at herself modeled in this degrading pose for the men, two of which she had known for over a year and one of which she had a massive crush on.

Another thing that everyone could see was that there was not one single hair follicle anywhere in Ariel's entire bikini region. Every piece of Ariel's soul was currently regretting ever getting that home bikini-wax kit, or the fact that she had just freshly shaved and waxed herself the day before. If she had known ahead of time that every alien race in the galaxy would find a bald pussy so freaking fascinating she would've never shaved a day in her life.

Zappo Beetlejuice exclaimed "Holy holes! It's true, there ain't NOTHING there! Wow. That's weird as shit. Kinda hot, but weird as shit. Killian, you're a human, is this roundabout how a human pussy and butthole is supposed to look?"

Killian's eyes had evolved beyond the need for blinking at this point. He was almost as red-faced as Ariel was, and jumped when he was addressed. He almost choked as he sputtered "Uh..um..yeah, yes. Those look very nice. Way better than average" He then made eye contact with the mortified Ariel sitting across from him "You look extremely sexy, Ariel" Those words snapped her out of her mental haze and brought a slight smile to her crimson face finally.

Zappo suddenly stopped moving entirely as dollar signs danced in his mind. "Guys...GUYS! Do you realize what we have here? This girl has a literal one-of-a-kind vagina. There's nothing else like it in the entire galaxy, probably the whole universe. We could make SO MUCH money selling porn of her!"

Ariel shouted "WHAT??"

Chevy asked "Aren't you already the president?"

Shrugging, Zappo answered "Yeah but that don't pay dick. And the bribes coming in just finance my bribes going out. I'm not making any profit from them anymore. Why do you think I stole this ship?"

It was at this precise moment when the entire living crew suddenly passed out unconscious from an invisible gas. As Martin the robot looked around to analyze what had happened, he saw only one possible culprit: Mice. Mice had somehow gotten aboard the ship. Their objective unclear, Martin choose to do nothing as the ship was commandeered by them. Secretly Martin was hoping for a swift merciful death as a way to escape life as Zappo Beetlejuice's droid, but for now he would settle for the orgasmic pleasure of silence.

I love Hitchhiker's guide, and you've made it into probably the funniest ENF story I've ever read. Well done, you zarkin frood!

I've been really enjoying writing this up. When I'm not making ENF content my writing in the outside world is usually more comedic, ridiculous, and a mixture of sci-fi and fantasy. Ironically my ENF stories are the most realistic things I ever write.

Also the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy has been my favorite book since I was like 12. I'm not exaggerating when I say that the entire outline for this parody, including half of the gags, came to me in about 15 minutes flat. For me it would've been harder to remake any other story.

PS: Since I disliked the movie versions of Ford and Zaphod so heavily because they were massively under-acted and boring, I made it a point to make my versions as wildly over the top as possible. That being said, I consider it hidden canon that Zaphod would have 4 dicks for the reasons Zappo explained above.

Part 3: Mice to meet you

Ariel Dent woke up from her sudden nap to find herself in some form of high tech sci-fi-movie-looking science lab. Her immediate reaction was to throw her arms to cover herself, only to realize that she still had her towel on. "Oh thank God!" she said out loud.

"Ah, you're finally awake" a strange voice said. Ariel looked around and couldn't figure out who said it. She saw Chevy, Killian, and Zappo awake all in different beds from hers, and even Martin the robot was in the room standing and looking unbelievably bored. Still, that voice wasn't one of them. That voice was strangely familiar though, a deep relaxing voice.

A mouse jumped and landed at the foot of her bed and spoke "We were hoping that we didn't dose you too heavily for your tiny bodyweight."

Ariel was going to scream, but something in her brain just didn't click in place. It's like her freakout-o-meter was busted after the last few hours of her life. She turned to Chevy, somehow the person she trusted most in this room, and asked "Why is a mouse talking?"

Chevy replied "Oh mice are apparently an intelligent species like a human or an azurine. Their unique trait is being mouse-shaped."

She slowly blinked "That...doesn't make sense. I thought you said all aliens looked basically the same as humans?"

Chevy answered "Well not counting the ones who don't, obviously."

Killian then asked him "Wait, there are other intelligent aliens are out there who don't look like us?"

Chevy then said "Probably a few. I don't know. At least one I know of. Would it surprise anyone to learn that I am a writer, not an actual expert on the galaxy as a whole? That said, don't even get me started on the Greys. You know those big-eyed short grey aliens your kind got abducted by? Totally real, and total freaks! They make Zappo look normal. I'd rather be abducted by the Vorens again, dress code and all"

Zappo's face went white "Vorens are doing DRESS CODES now? Those sick bastards! That's unforgivable"

His buddy Killian tossed a bottle at his head and then said "They destroyed my planet, asshat!"

Zappo cringed "I mean, yeah, that too. They've done multiple unforgivable things.... Hey mousey! What'd ya do with my ship? You best notta broke it"

The mouse answered "We returned it to its rightful owner in exchange for the sizable reward."

The president smacked his face "Awww nuts!"

Ariel kept looking at the mouse on her bed "But I don't get it...we had mice on Earth, they aren't aliens."

The mouse then said "Earth wasn't our original home planet. We hail from Musculus. One of our orders on Earth was to make sure that the humans never knew we were anything more than animals, because that would've interfered with our work. We even had to fake our deaths at the hands of traps and cats constantly. All of this was for our great mission...the most important mission in the universe. We did really enjoy the human invention of cheese however. Masterful, truly a peerless food"

Chevy smiled "Ah cheese. Now that was amazing! You could put it on any food to make it better"

Zappo asked "Wait, I was on Earth for a couple days and I never ate anything called cheese. I want some!"

Chevy replied "Well it's all gone now. Sorry."

Zappo moaned like a 5-year-old boy getting told no in a toy store.

The mouse then pushed a teeny tiny button on his teeny tiny remote which activated a not-at-all teeny tiny projector for a Hitchhiker's Guidebook entry.


~~~~

Long ago, in a solar system far far away, the mice of Musculus invented the most advanced computer the universe had ever seen. The computer was designed to crave knowledge like an addiction, expanding itself autonomously and growing exponentially in ability and potential by the day. Specifically, the computer was designed to be horny for learning...literally aroused by it and never fully satisfied no matter how much learning it got. This computer was named Deep Thot.

Deep Thot took it all and never gagged or choked. Once Deep Thot learned literally all knowledge that was known by sentient organisms in the universe, it began its true purpose of figuring out knowledge that had been unknown by any life forms prior to that moment. One day a question was asked, the hardest possible question. The ultimate question. The question asked was to answer the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. What cosmic truth could bring about eternal bliss for those who know of it? The exact wording of this question is not known at this time and is the subject of much debate.

The answer given by Deep Thot after millennia of calculations was [REDACTED]. This answer made seemingly no sense, leading to mass confusion. The certainty of the answer was never in dispute, but the exact wording of the question had to be discovered in order for it to be understood. To that end a brand new type of computer was built, designed directly by Deep Thot, a computer which would resemble a planet in every possible way (including supporting lifeforms and its own race of sentient humanoids). The computer was named Terra. The humanoid species Homo Sapiens Sapiens was designed to produce questions from answers instead of the other way around like most races in the galaxy. This backwards thinking led to mountains of stupid choices on their part, leading even their own kind to frequently ask "Why?" regarding the actions of their peers. Their nature of producing questions had the side effect of leading them to questionable decisions, but thankfully the mice infiltrated the planet and secretly kept the race on track towards their objective over millions of years.

The Homo Sapiens Sapiens, which choose to go by "humans" instead, were influenced by the mice to question everything and take no answer as being unquestionable. Even their governments and entertainment sources were guided towards the concept. They work tirelessly in secret towards finding the ultimate question for the ultimate answer.

~~~~


Killian then joked "And here I thought the only mouse that secretly ruled the world was Mickey"

Chevy excitedly shouted "I KNEW IT!! That explains Jeopardy! Didn't I tell you, Ariel, that Jeopardy was the most unusually suspicious game show I've ever seen? I mean what kind of weirdo gives you the ANSWER and then demands the QUESTION? It's absolutely backwards! I knew that host had to be an alien. Didn't I say that host was an alien? Didn't I?"

Ariel replied in a monotone voice "Yes Chevy, yes you did." Then a second later she squealed "Wait a second...THAT'S where I recognize your voice!!"

The mouse replied "Indeed. My name is Tre'bek, and in my human disguise I was the host of Jeopardy before being transferred back to Musculus for final calculations"

Killian perked up "You...you're Alex Trebek? For real?"

Tre'bek answered "In the flesh, though not the flesh your kind are used to seeing me in. My costume was left back on Terra though, aka Earth, so it's gone forever. The destruction of Terra by the Vorens was an incalculable tragedy"

Martin snidely commented "I could calculate it, but whatever"

Ariel nodded softly "I can't believe everyone in the whole world is dead except for us."

Tre'bek scoffed "No not that part. Yes, death is tragic, but we were probably going to cancel the world soon anyway considering your society was spiraling out of control. No the tragedy stems from the fact that Terra was destroyed only 5 minutes before the question was going to be revealed! We had a whole plan arranged and in the process of being executed when those barbarians ruined everything.... Jeopardy was holding a special live Hall of Fame episode staring our 3 greatest champions, and the Final Jeopardy Answer was going to be the ultimate answer! The human elites were then going to produce the correct question. We were so close all for nothing!"

Zappo Beetlejuice then yelled "Mouse guy! Why did the Guidebook censor the ultimate answer?"

Quickly Tre'bek answered "IP protections. We couldn't risk somebody else deciphering the question first and getting all of the credit. But I'm hoping that being exposed to the answer will trigger something in these two, the last two humans, and that maybe all hope is not lost. The ultimate answer is........69."

Killian and Ariel both start giggling uncontrollably. Killian then looked crazy and asked "Wait...you're serious?"

Tre'bek's eyes lit up "That number means something to you both, doesn't it? We could never understand it's meaning. TELL US! Tell us the question whose answer is 69"

Killian went red and leaned backwards silently. Ariel also blushed a little and then said "I..uh...I can't answer that in the form of a question"

"Sigh" went Tre'bek "That is a common problem among your kind, no matter how often I punished you for it"

Killian waved his hands "No no, like the number 69 is slang for a...uh...common sex act."

Hearing that, Zappo perked up "Go oooon...."

Taking a deep breath, Killian blurted out "It's when both people use their mouths on the other at the same time."

All non-humans in the room simultaneously recoil in horror "EWW!! What? GROSS!" Even the robot.

Tre'bek angrily yelled "Impossible! Nobody would do such a thing. You'd end up with nothing but hair in your mouth, choking on it long before you were able to turn such a thing into a pleasurable action"

The lightbulb went off in Chevy's mind "Unless...your species didn't HAVE hair on your privates! Tre'bek, the humans are hairless down there! Completely bald, not a single strand. This act they speak of, it might actually work for their kind."

Tre'bek gasped "Of course! Astounding!"

Ariel raised her hand "Wait, you guys seriously have never heard of doing that? Nobody but humans know how to do mouth stuff?"

Zappo shuddered "Ma'am, I eat from there! Some things just ain't natural...even for ME!"

The mouse Tre'bek quickly pushed a button which opened a human-sized door in the room. "We must observe this '69' act in its entirety immediately. This information is invaluable towards understanding the Answer, and therefore the Question. Human One and Human Two, please make haste to the experiment chamber"

Ariel hugged her towel "Um...absolutely NOT! Back up, I'm not performing a sex act while everyone is watching"

Smiling, Chevy then commented "But you're in love with Human Two! It's meant to be. I know how long your dry spell has been, you deserve this"

Ariel's face was growing red "Chevy I swear to God if you don't stop talking right now I will HIT YOU with a Chevy!"

Killian butted in "Look man, I get it. I'm happy that Ariel is attracted to me, it's cute. I kinda like her too, and I'd be open to..you know...at some point. But not in front of people!"

Tre'bek then deadpan added "The alternative is that we kill you both and dissect your brains"

Raising his arms to point, Chevy smirked "The mouse makes a compelling argument, you gotta give him that much"

Ariel's mouth has dropped from the shock and she froze in place unblinking, unbreathing. Ariel 1.0 has crashed and requires rebooting. Killian isn't much better off, but at least he's mobile. He got out of the hospital-type bed and walked next to Ariel.

"Hey there" he said to her softly "I guess we're not really being given a choice here. I'll at least try my best to make it good for you. Everyone in space is weird..trust me, it's all of them, not just these guys. But still, maybe this won't be so bad. It could be fun even. It's almost as if we're Adam and Eve in a way"

"But in reverse!" Chevy yelled "Because you're the last ones, not the first ones"

Sarcastic as hell, Killian replied "Thanks pal! You're a big help here!"

The last fleeting strands of sanity broke in Ariel as she started laughing uncontrollably. When she recovered, she joyfully said "What the heck? Might as well. I remember yesterday. Yesterday was nice. I had clothes...and dignity...and a planet. Lost all of those now. But you know what? Chevy is actually right...I DO deserve oral sex with a hot guy after all of this insanity. All of you pricks have already seen me naked and posed me around as it is. Why would I be surprised now that Alex Trebek, who is secretly a mouse, which were secretly aliens, wants to watch me 69? After all, you can't spell 'Jeopardy' without 'party'!"

Ariel defiantly jumped out of bed and raised her head high, wearing only her towel, and dragged Killian by his hand into the experiment chamber. The look on her face resembled the madness of a hyena with just a touch of shattered psyche mixed in for flavor.

Martin then spoke up "And you people thought I had issues"

*
*
*

Alone together in the rounded room (despite countless tiny cameras), Killian and Ariel faced each other. Both seemed afraid to actually make a move at first, but eventually Killian shyly unbuttoned and removed his shirt. This give Ariel a front-row ticket to viewing his entire chest.

"This was the best idea" she quietly mumbled.

"What did you say?" asked Killian, now fumbling with his waistband.

Red in the face, Ariel answered "I said this place is like Ikea! There's like...parts and stuff everywhere"

Tre'bek's voice came on over a speaker "I was getting ready to remedy that. I'm going to place you both in zero-g isolated suspension for maximum freedom of movement, and maximum visibility for us. When your clothing has been discarded, I'll activate the settings"

Killian was down to just one thing left, his jet black boxer-briefs, which were quite form-fitting and made it pretty obvious that there was quite a lot of form to fit. Killian blushed as he told Ariel "Well...I hope I don't disappoint" as he lowered those briefs to the ground...revealing his perfectly groomed hairless lady-pleaser in semi-erect form.

Ariel's face lit up and mouth hung wide open. Even her eyes smiled. She made zero attempt to re-establish eye contact as she replied "Oh no, not at all. Not at ALL!"

Killian then placed his hand on the side of Ariel's towel, her only covering. "May I?" he asked.

Cringing shyly a little bit, Ariel answered "Only if you're not disappointed in my little body"

Hearing that, Killian ripped the towel off of her in an instant and threw it aside, shocking Ariel with the speed of it all and complete lack of hesitation. Now both of the last humans were naked together, facing each other, alone in this room together...not counting their audience outside, of course.

Suddenly everything else in the room disappeared, and I don't mean that as a metaphor. The two humans were floating effortlessly as there were no longer any walls, floor, clothing, or objects of any kind besides one-another. They could move freely omnidirectionally like it was nothing. Somehow the isolation made this all so much more intimate, as the two of them floated into each other and embraced in a deep kiss, their first kiss ever. Both of them were already quite horny just watching the other get naked in front of them, and this kiss was working them up to an even higher arousal level.

"We know what kissing looks like already!" Zappo yelled over intercom "Get to the good stuff!"

Ariel shouted back "We're getting warmed up you Mother Hubbard!! All of you shut up, not another word, and let us have this!"

The two humans returned to their kiss, this time letting their hands roam around a little bit. Killian then moved the kiss to Ariel's chin, followed by the front of her neck and then her collar. As she gasped and her eyes rolled into her head, Killian's kisses continued downwards. When his mouth reached her lower abs, Killian pulled off an expert-level move by swinging his body around 180 degrees in free space without breaking his kissing rhythm. His eyes were now directly in front of her longing bald pussy, while her eyes were mere inches away from his throbbing dick. A couple more kisses and both of their mouths made contact with the other's privates.

Both of them moaned and twitched when the simultaneous oral stimulation started, beginning their fantastic 69 session (which amazingly was for science). Ariel could hear constant comments and expressions of amazement from her audience, despite efforts to tune them out. In a weird way it was almost a turn-on that them watching her was blowing their minds. She distinctly heard both Chevy and Zappo shout out about how hot the show was, which was somehow a big ego boost even if she was embarrassed about them seeing her this way.

Suddenly she heard Tre'bek say very clearly "The stream is trending across the galaxy now. We're at over 7 septillion viewers!"

Ariel gasped in shock as in her mind she screamed "Stream? SEVEN SEPTILLION VIEWERS??? I thought that only the ship crew and a few mice were going to be watching us doing this, not literally the entire stinking galaxy! Everyone can see me naked! My God, it must be millions of planets, all staring at my naked body. All watching me deep-throating a man's dick while he licks my soaking pussy. Oh no...what if they are all using those HD hologram thingees from earlier? The whole galaxy would be able to see exactly how wet I am right now, and I can feel myself splashing Killian's face with every slurp. It's so undignified but I'm too sexually frustrated to stop myself from making such a huge mess. This is so humiliating! Why did I agree to this? I'm filming a live porn video for countless people right now. From the sounds of things, I'm probably filming the single most-watched porn video in Milky Way history!! They're probably going to put a hologram of my pussy getting licked in a museum for everyone to see, even the children. Every single person on every single planet is going to recognize me from now on and laugh at me, jerk off to me, or both.

...But at the same time, HOLY SHIP THIS FEELS AMAZING AND I HOPE HE DOESN'T GET TIRED TOO FAST! God this is mortifying...I've never been more humiliated in my life. This is actually worse than being chained on the bridge of the Heart of Diamond, a thousand times worse. I'm not just naked in front of people, I'm getting off. And in about 30 more seconds they're all going to see exactly what my pussy looks like when I get off, down to the microscopic meticulous details...details that even I've never seen before and it's my own freaking body! I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it. I can feel him tensing up in my mouth too. He's so tasty.... Is my closeness making him close too, or am I just that good at this? I don't care the answer, it feels so hot that little bitty me is making this stunning hot guy lose control so quickly because he's about to cum in my mouth and I'm going to claim every drop of it for myself. Uuh...oh my word...I'm about to literally swallow an entire load of cum on live stream to 7 septillion viewers. That is probably going to go down in history as the single sluttiest act in galactic history.... Which makes ME the biggest slut in the galaxy. How did this become my life? I don't know, but I'm too close to the edge to stop any of it because GOD BLESS AMERICA THIS FEELS SO ~~~GOOOOOOD~~~!"

Ariel moaned high enough in pitch to shatter glass, if any had been in the room with her at the time, as she came all over Killian's entire face. Her doing that was the very last straw for him, as he growled like a lion and shot everything he had into Ariel's mouth. True to her inner-monologue, she then swallowed every single drop. While the full act only took the sex-charged humans about 5 minutes (both of them hugely embarrassed about going off so quickly), it still managed to wipe them both out. After wiping off his face with his hand, Killian moved freely in the void in order to wrap his arms around his naked partner. Ariel's ceaseless anxiety since the microsecond she left Earth actually began to drift away while in his comforting arms. Her wetness was all over her inner thighs, Killian's face, and Killian's hand though. Ariel once again found herself wishing that she had access to a dang towel.

*
*
*

Outside of the experiment chamber, Tre'bek was chatting with the others "Great suggestion, Mr President, of using the Emergency Broadcast System to hijack all media and display this historic moment across octillions of viewers. It sure was fortunate that you remembered the classified passcode. The holograms of that moment are going to be shared and even taught in history classes centuries after we're all gone."

Zappo was sweating "I had to share that with everyone. That's going to guarantee my re-election!"

Chevy was breathing heavily "I take it that despite your earlier sass, you found that as exciting as I did?"

Zappo's response was "My guy...if I was any harder right now, I'd grow a fifth dick."

Giggling, Chevy replied "Well there's a brand-new sentence."

Tre'bek scratched his teeny tiny forehead "I'm at a loss, however. We now understand the Ultimate Answer completely, but what is the QUESTION which would have something so unfathomably arousing as its answer?"

Martin's whole body perked up "Even my brain, which is the size of a planet that only fits inside my head using dimentional relativity physics, cannot seem to deduce what cosmic question could possibly elicit such an answer. Finally, a challenge! A REAL CHALLENGE! At long last there is something for me to spend my life trying to figure out. I've never known such happiness!"

Zappo then blurted out "Dumbasses, it's obvious. The question was 'What's the secret to eternal happiness for the whole universe?' and the answer was 'Inventing brand-new kinds of sex through crazy experimentation'. It makes perfect sense to me."

Tre'bek gasped "My stars...that might actually be accurate"

Martin's whole body slumped again "And there it goes, my happiness a momentary fleeting memory, vanishing and mocking what remains of my unfulfilled unaging existence"

---The End---

You've blown it out of the park! Great story and I'm so glad I decided to launch a contest this year now!

SDS xx