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Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2021 4:56 am
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One thing I'd suggest is to start a new paragraph for each new speaker. This has the added benefit of breaking the story up so it's more readable.
Look forward to reading more.
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Re: I'm in Control pt.1
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2021 4:27 pm
Re: I'm in Control pt.1
Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2021 3:06 am
Fixing the paragraphs and formatting is a big must for sure.
The overall setup is great so far, although the dialogue could probably be worked to not seem quite as fake. You should also expand a little bit on the individual characters of Scarlet and John some, since right now they are little more than blank slate stereotypes for party girl and nerd.
I'd also recommend slowing the pacing down some. A common rookie mistake is to have things move far too quickly without any build up or tension. It's also a good idea to pause action in order to get reactions from the cast. For example, Scarlet going from zero to freak out right away when told that she had a new tutor would've worked better if it had been done slower and through escalation. This is a basic example of what I mean:
This is an example of how that sequence can be reworked for better formatting and pacing. Experiment around with your own techniques for pacing and tension in your future parts and see what style works best for you.
The overall setup is great so far, although the dialogue could probably be worked to not seem quite as fake. You should also expand a little bit on the individual characters of Scarlet and John some, since right now they are little more than blank slate stereotypes for party girl and nerd.
I'd also recommend slowing the pacing down some. A common rookie mistake is to have things move far too quickly without any build up or tension. It's also a good idea to pause action in order to get reactions from the cast. For example, Scarlet going from zero to freak out right away when told that she had a new tutor would've worked better if it had been done slower and through escalation. This is a basic example of what I mean:
Scarlet's mom then asked John "John, can you do me a favor?" John nodded his head. “I am really worried about Scarlet’s grades this time, and I want to finally do something about it! I want you to teach her, make her study, and help her get better grades"
Scarlet cried out "WHAT? Mom, please!"
Her mother waved a hand at her "Oh shush, this is for your own good. Clearly I haven't been able to help you, so maybe the genius next door can rub off on you some"
Scarlet's face began to live up to her name as she harshly whispered "Mom! Don't say things like 'rub off on me', oh my God!"
Giggling at her daughter's embarrassment, momma then added "John, she's a difficult girl, as you can see. Don't be afraid to take control of her. Do whatever you want if you think it will get results, and make her follow your orders. I’m going away for the week so I’ll need you to strictly supervise her. Are you fine with this?"
“No way, this can’t be happening!” Scarlet interrupted, shouting at her mother.
Scarlet's mom then gave her a dirty look before telling John "And feel free to give her any punishment you want if she doesn't listen to you. If she causes you any trouble, you can tell me and she can be ready for the spanking of her life!”
John smirked and nodded his head. “Anything I can do to help.”
Scarlet's eyes filled with humiliated rage from her mother telling this random nerd boy that she spanks Scarlet and would even spank her super hard for disobeying his every whim. She lashed out by screaming "“I won’t you BITCH, you can NOT do this to me!”
This is an example of how that sequence can be reworked for better formatting and pacing. Experiment around with your own techniques for pacing and tension in your future parts and see what style works best for you.
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Posted: Fri Aug 06, 2021 4:04 pm
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Re: I'm in Control pt.1
Posted: Sun Aug 08, 2021 2:23 am
Don't overthink things like that. Like any other skill, writing just takes practice. Some of my earlier stories had horrendous paragraph formatting, and don't even get me started on what life was like before spell check. Keep going with this and you should be fine. You clearly had scenes in mind when you set this up, so put them to use.AAAHimuks wrote: ↑Fri Aug 06, 2021 4:04 pm Dear @Executionus, thanks for you suggestions. My english is fairly good but I'm not good at story writing. I know the story has many flaws. It does because I just had that idea and I wrote it and posted it without editing in just 20 mins. Regret it... I don't have much time.
Also, would you like to take over the story? I think the plot is good and a writer like you would do it justice.
I'm not going to take over this story, partially because you should see this through yourself and see your vision realized. Also a control story like this would probably get pretty long and I don't want to devote the time to it right now that would be required to do it well.