Christophe and His Stepsisters (with apologies to Jeepman)

[spelvin]

One evening, the radio was playing in the living room. Christophe was sitting on the couch, Noémie and Dorothée were playing with dolls on the floor, and Maman sitting in the rocking chair, knitting a sweater. Christophe said, “Why do you girls play with those stupid dolls? I think it’s dumb.”

Maman set down her knitting needles. “Christophe Confiant! That was not a nice thing to say!”

She walked over to the couch. She took off his shoes, took off his socks, and stuffed the socks in his shoes. “One of the last things your father said to me was to take good care of you, and that is what I intend to do. Hold up your arms.”

Christophe held up his arms while Maman pulled his T-shirt off. “Now stand up.” The girls watched with bated breath while Maman pulled down Christophe’s trousers and undershorts.

Maman gathered up the load. “This belongs in the laundry. Christophe, you stay right here until I say you can move, and girls, if he gives you any trouble, give me a holler.”

The three children were left alone while Maman walked upstairs. Noémie crawled next to Christophe on his left, while Dorothée crawled next to Christophe on his right.

Noémie said, “Ewww, this thing’s big and red, just like your face!”

The girls took turns flipping Christophe's prized possession against his tummy and watched it bounce. Noémie said, "Nothing like a good game of spanky." Dorothée said, "Spanky? I thought it was called slapjack."

When they finally tired of the pastime, Christophe kissed Noémie on the cheek and kissed Dorothée on the cheek. “You are the yummiest stepsisters in the world.”

* * * * *

The children came home from a neighbor’s house. Noémie screamed, “Maman, Christophe pulled the dog’s tail!”

Dorothée whispered, “The Olssons don’t have a dog. They have a cat.”

Noémie whispered back, “Don’t be so technical.”

Maman came out of the kitchen and pointed her finger at Christophe. “Christophe, remember what happened last time!”

Christophe meekly said, “Yes, Maman.”

* * * * *

Maman greeted the children as they got off the school bus. Dorothée said, “Maman, we saw Christophe teasing a girl.”

Maman said, “What was he doing?”

The girls answered simultaneously. “He was pulling her hair.” “He was flipping her skirt.”

Maman frowned as if she was confused. “At the same time?”

Christophe stammered a bit. “Well—yes—I was pulling her hair with one hand and flipping her skirt with the other hand.”

Noémie and Dorothée both nodded. “Yeah!” “That’s EXACTLY how he did it!”

Maman took a deep sigh. “Christophe, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

* * * * *

On Saturday morning, Christophe was in the living room reading a book, Maman was knitting and listening to the radio. The girls returned from a visit with their friends. Noémie said, “Maman, we saw Christophe jaywalking across the street this morning.”

Maman said, “How can that be? Christophe was right here all morning.”

Christophe said, “Didn’t Daddy ever tell you? I studied astral projection.”

Maman said, “I don’t know what that is, but I don’t like it. I’ll go fix lunch.”

Noémie said in a soft voice, “You studied what?”

Christophe said, “Astral projection. You know, soul travel. If she asks again, tell her I taught it to you so you could spy on the boys’ locker room.”

Noémie asked, “Are you visible when you astral travel?”
Christophe said, “Um, yes, you are.”

Dorothée asked, “Then how do we spy in the boy’s locker room?”

Christophe said, “No, you’re not. My mistake.”

Noémie asked, “Then how did we see you jaywalk?”

Christophe said, “Don’t be so technical.”

* * * * *

The main course at the supper table was over, and Maman was gone into the kitchen for the dessert. Noémie held up her plastic cup and said, “My cup’s broken.”

Christophe said, “What can I do?”

Noémie said, “Why, trade cups with me so you can get the blame! What kind of a scapegoat ARE you!”

“Oh, of course!” Christophe looked inside the cup which Noémie him. “But you had milk and I had water.”

Noémie shrugged. “Who cares. Maman is no Sherlock.”

When Maman returned with the dessert, the routine tattling by the girls took place and the long awaited disrobing of Christophe took place.

Christophe was sentenced to the duties of the dishpan. While he was at the sink, the girls silently sneaked up behind him. Noémie walked her fingers up one cheek and Dorothée walked her fingers up the other. Noémie sang, “Dorothée, yodel-ay-ee-hoo?” Dorothée sang, “Noémie, yodel-ay-ee-hoo?”

Christophe turned around. He wiggled his penis with one hand in one direction and spoke in a falsetto voice. “Oh, hello, Noémie.”

The girls were still kneeling. Noémie said, “Hello.”

Christophe wiggled his penis in the other direction and said, “Hello, Dorothée.”

Dorothée said, “Hello.”

Christophe said, “How are you two mountain climbers this evening?”

Noémie said, “Fine, what’s your name again?”

Christophe said, “My name is John Thomas.”

Noémie said, “Just fine, John Thomas.”

Christophe said, “I’ve enjoyed knowing you, and I’m sure Christophe has too.”

Dorothée said, “Oh, thank you.”

Christophe said, “Christophe says you have a lot of friends who would like to meet me.”

Dorothée said, “I think they would. We’ll see what we can do for you, Mr. Thomas.”

* * * * *

While Maman was clearing the supper table on Friday, she asked, “What is everyone’s plan for this evening?”

Noémie said, “I’m going out with a bunch of friends.”

Dorothée said, “Shelly is coming to visit tonight.”

Christophe said, “Shelly. Isn’t she the one who likes to play old maid and go fish?”

Dorothée said, “Yes, that’s the one.”

Christophe said, “But card games don’t go very well with only two people.”

Dorothée said, “That’s right. That means we’re going to have to use you—even if you’re a lousy player.”

Christophe got up from his chair. He hit Noémie on the arm and shouted, “I am not!”

Dorothée shouted, “Maman! Christophe just hit me!”

Maman set the dishes on the kitchen counter and came into the dining room. “You know better than that! Now you take off everything you have on and hand them to me right now!”

Christophe took off his shoes and took off his socks. While he took off the rest of his clothes, he grumbled, “Oh, Maman, do I really have to?”

Maman took Christophe’s clothes in her arms. “Yes! You really have to! And that’s the way you’ll stay for the rest of the evening! And when Dorothée’s friend comes, you will come out and greet her, and you will act like a perfect gentleman!”

Christophe looked at Dorothée out of the corner of his eye and smiled. Dorothée looked at Christophe out of the corner of her eye and smiled.

[Jeepman89]

A funny story indeed, Spelvin. No apologies required.