Low Baiting

[spelvin]

A confident and well-dressed woman stood up at the school board meeting. “My name is Sofia Crescenzi. I represent Concerned Parents of Gemini.

“We believe that going barefoot improves balance, improves muscle alignment, and strengthens the muscles, tendons, and ligaments in feet, ankles, and calves. Overall, going barefoot decreases emotional upset and anxiety, strengthens the entire body, and promotes better health. We therefore propose that any kind of footwear will be prohibited in the dress code for boys.”

From that point, every boy in the Gemini school system attended school barefoot.

At the next school board meeting, she stood up. “I again represent Concerned Parents of Gemini. We believe that appearing shirtless makes boys feel masculine, partly from the distinction of attire from the girls, and partly from the admiration which it arouses from the girls. We also believe that excessive sweating, especially in gym class but also at any other time, can lead to rashes or inflammation.

“We have also found that younger boys wish to appear shirtless when such an example is set by older boys and adult males. Science has found that, by leaving one’s own skin uncovered outdoors, a person takes in more Vitamin D. Furthermore, the person’s uncovered skin is more efficient in breathing air through the pores, whether indoors or outdoors.

“For the sake of the body image of every boy in the community, we propose that any shirt, sweater, coat, or any other kind of upper garment will be prohibited in the dress code for boys.”

From that point, boys attended school barefoot and shirtless.

At the next meeting, she said, “I again represent Concerned Parents of Gemini. We have been concerned because the girls wear skirts to school while the boys wear long trousers. We do not think this is fair because this allows more modesty for the boys than for the girls. So we wish to limit each boy’s school attire to a pair of brief underwear. To prevent any competition regarding fashions or brands, we want every boy to wear white brief underwear—not boxer underwear, not a swimsuit, but white brief underwear.”
From that point, boys went to school wearing only brief underpants.

On her fourth visit, Mrs. Crescenzi’s message was “I again represent Concerned Parents of Gemini. We are concerned because moisture builds up inside a boy’s clothing. This causes a yeast infection in the genital area, which can be seen in red and scaly bumps and blisters. Clothing can also cause either heat or friction, which can create a skin rash, which causes burning and stinging.

“We must also protect the boy’s sperm production. An optimum temperature is necessary for maximum sperm production. This temperature is often exceeded inside a boy’s underpants, especially if the underpants fit tightly. This condition is called ‘testicular hyperthermia.’

“These are two serious problems which we must prevent at all costs. Every boy’s genitals must breathe freely, whether indoors or outdoors, whether at home or at school. With these considerations in mind, we ask that all boys attend school with uncovered genitals.”

From that point, boys went to school completely nude.

* * * * *

“All rise. Oyez, oyez, oyez, this court is now in session. You may be seated.”

The judge took the bench and said, “We will now hear the Angiopede Society versus Concerned Parents of Gemini. Are both sides ready?”

Both sides indicated that they were ready. At one table sat Sofia Crescenzi and the Counsel for the Defense. At the other table sat three naked boys, the Counsel for the Prosecution, and a stern-looking woman with her hair in a bun.

The prosecution made the statement that the defendant influenced the school board to require all boys in the school system to attend school nude, and that this action wrought “irreparable psychological damage to the children of our community and was therefore criminally liable.” The defense made the statement that the defendant “performed a valuable service to the children of our community, both in cognitive and affective terms.”

The judge said, “Prosecution, you may call your first witness.”

Miss Angie O. Pede swore in and took the witness stand.

“Miss Pede, you are filing this case because you are opposed to our local schoolboys attending school naked. Is this correct?”

“That is correct.”

“And can you state why you opposed this practice?”

“Because I don’t think it’s right.”

“And why is it that you don’t think it’s right, Miss Pede?”

“Because it is morally wrong.”

Counsel for the defense said, “Objection, Your Honor. It may be very poetic to say that a rose is a rose is a rose, but such reasoning has no place in a court of law.”

The judge said, “Objection sustained. Does the prosecution have any further questions for this witness?”

“No, Your Honor.”

“Does the defense have any questions?”

“No, Your Honor.”

“Very well, the witness may step down. Call your next witness.”

Sofia Crescenzi swore in and took the witness stand.

“Miss Crescenzi, we have four documents which record four visits to the school board which you have taken. Can you examine these documents and attest to their accuracy?”

Sofia looked through the documents, handed them back, and said, “Yes, sir, that’s what happened.”

“Your Honor, I wish to present these documents as Exhibits One, Two, Three, and Four.” The judge shared the documents with the defense attorney.

The prosecuting attorney addressed Sofia again. “And in each of these meetings, you influenced the school board to remove one more article of clothing. Is that right?”

“That is right.”

“The prosecution notices, however, that you gave a different reason for each request. First, it was matters podiatric. Next, it was concern over the boy’s self-image. After that, it was concern over gender equality. And the fourth time, it was matters cutaneous. Are you asking the Court to believe that you were acting out of genuine concern for those four reasons, which just happen to involve removing an item of clothing?”

“I am not asking the Court to believe that at all.”

“Then tell us what is your true motive.”

“Because I am very proud of how my son looks with no clothes on, and I like to show him off.”

The defense attorney said, “Objection, Your Honor. Are we here to discuss motives or consequences?”

The judge said, “That is an interesting question. An attempted homicide is not as serious as a successful homicide, but an accidental homicide is not as serious as a deliberate homicide. But all four are serious crimes. However, the Court sees no harm in a mother showing a child off, provided that it is not damaging to the child.”

The defense attorney said, “No further questions, Your Honor.”

The judge said, “Very well. The witness may step down. Call your next witness.”

“I would like to call Albert Anderson.” A naked boy got up from the table, swore in, and took the witness stand.

“Mister Anderson, you are a student at the local elementary school, is that right?”

“That is right.”

“And I see that you have no clothes on.”

“Very good, sir.”

There was a ripple of laughter in the courtroom. The judge banged the gavel. “There will be order in the courtroom.”

“Do you realize that it is only when attending school that you have to go naked?”

“Yes, I understand that.”

“And do you realize that you are not in school right now?”

“Yes, I understand that too.”

There was another ripple of laughter and another bang of the judge’s gavel.

“Then why did you come to the hearing with no clothes on? Did someone pressure you?”

Albert did not seem to understand the question. He shook his head timidly.

“Did someone say that you had to come here naked?”

“No, I came here naked because I wanted to. I asked my mom can I go to the courtroom naked, and she said yes.”

The prosecuting attorney continued. “We know that children can have strong feelings when they are made to go naked in public. We would like to know if you were traumatized by this turn of events.”

“What does that mean?”

“Did you have any bad dreams about it?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Can you tell us what you remember about that dream?”

“I dreamed that I went to school and I forgot to take my clothes off. All the boys were naked but me. And all the other kids in the class were laughing at me because I was the only boy with clothes on.”

The people in the courtroom were amused. The judge gave them an angry look. The counsel for the prosecution was visibly disappointed. “No further questions.”

The judge said, “The defense may cross-examine.”

The defense counsel said, “No questions, Your Honor.”

The judge said, “You may call your next witness.”

“I would like to call Bradley Burton.” Another naked boy got up from the table, swore in, and took the witness stand.

“Mister Burton, we understand that you had difficulty accepting the order to attend school wearing brief underwear.”

“That’s right.”

“You must have found that order very frightening. Can you please tell us about the difficulty which you were having?”

“The girls on the swimming team told me that I had a cute bottom. So I wanted to come to school wearing a jock strap instead of briefs.”

The suppressed giggles in the courtroom were more deeply suppressed by an angry look from the judge.

The counsel for the prosecution was again visibly disappointed. “No further questions.”

The judge said, “The defense may cross-examine.”

The defense counsel said, “No questions, Your Honor.”

The judge said, “You may call the next witness.”

“I would like to call Carlo Crescenzi.” A third naked boy got up from the table, swore in, and took the witness stand.

The judge looked uneasy. “Isn’t your last name the same as that of the defendant?”

Carlo said, “Yes, Your Honor. She’s my mother.”

The judge said, “We should tell you that you cannot be forced to testify against a close relative. If you wish to back down, you may do so. Do you want to go ahead with this?”

Carlo said yes. The judge said to the prosecuting attorney, “Very well, then. You may proceed.”

The attorney for the prosecution said, “Mister Crescenzi, I think we all know that nudity can cause strong feelings in both boys and girls.” Carlo agreed. “And we understand that this has been true in your case. Has there been an altercation between you and one of your girl classmates?”

“No, we didn’t say anything about an altar. We’re just good friends.”

This caused riotous laughter. The judge banged the gavel and said, “I will not allow my court to be turned into a comedy theater! One more outburst and I will clear the courtroom!”

The attorney proceeded. “What I mean is, did you have an angry exchange. We thought perhaps she was teasing you because you were naked and you had some harsh words for her.”

“No, that wasn’t what happened. She was mad because my mother got the boys to go to school naked but she didn’t do anything for the girls.”

“And how did you respond?”

“I told her I didn’t have anything to do with it. So I gave her my mom’s phone number.”

The counsel for the prosecution looked the same as after questioning the other two boys. “No further questions.”

The judge said, “The defense may cross-examine.”

The defense counsel said, “No questions, Your Honor.”

The judge said, “The defense may call their first witness.”

The defense counsel said, “I rest my case.”

“The counsel for the prosecution may make a closing statement.”

The prosecution attorney stood tall and began waving both arms. “My fellow citizens, what we have seen today is a scandal! A disgrace! An atrocity! Our defendant has treated our innocent youth with cruelty! With savagery! With inhumanity! For the sake of our youth, for the sake of our nation, and the sake of people everywhere, we cannot let such an abomination go on! So I call on every person of virtue, of integrity, of love of God and country! I ask all of you to join me in ridding our fine community of this plague! This infirmity! This pestilence! And to return to the days of truth, justice, and Mom’s apple pie!”

The judge said, “Counsel for the defense?”

“No thank you, Your Honor. I don’t have the heart to desecrate a grand finale like that.”

The judge banged the gavel for the last time. “Very well, then. Case dismissed. The defendant shall go free, and the school system shall continue to enforce their recent regulations.

A murmur of conversation permeated the courtroom. Miss Crescenzi took a check out of her handbag and said, “I almost forgot. I know you expect to get paid—what are you doing?”

The defense attorney said, “I am endorsing this check. I don’t think I can accept this payment in good conscience.” He walked over to the other table and said, “Here you go, thank you for doing my work for me.”