sarah the shy exhibitionist First attempt at a story-criticism welcome.

[throwaway]

No rights reserved- if anyone wants to add/modify/rewrite this story please feel free.

Sarah had just dried off after swimming at the beach. she often visited this beach but today was a bit different you see Sarah is normally very shy but also has an exhibitionist streak. she normally would wear a one piece or strap bikini but today she was wearing a bikini that tied together at the hips. she saw the group of guys that were normally standing around the middle of the beach. these guys would occasionally tease girls walking past them by tugging playfully on their bikini ties. they had never pulled off any girls bikini although some had nearly lost their tops to this group

Sarah would normally avoid them by putting on her shorts and tshirt over her bikini and gone to the food stall by the road. today however she had deliberately left these in the car. she worked up the courage and set off towards the food stall at the end of the beach. this meant walking straight through the group. she could feel herself getting hot at the thought of what might happen. she left her bikini ties quite loose , although still double knotted and walked straight into the group of guys.

sure enough they started playfully tugging on the ties holding her bikini on. she instinctively put her hands in the way to protect the ties and walked on past the group who groaned as she passed. Sarah felt embarrassed but also disappointed that her instincts had stopped them so quickly.

Sarah decided she had to stop her instinctive shyness from preventing her exposure. she stopped at the toilets and loosened all the ties holding her bikini together, they were now all single knot and one good tug would undo them. she left a big loop in the end of the ties to make them more obvious, inviting and easier to grab than before. having done this Sarah walked to the food stand. she ordered a chocolate ice cream and a coffee. this ensured that both her hands were full and unable to protect her bikini ties which hung loosely at her hips, exposed and vulnerable. Sarah paused to work up the courage then started walking back up the beach. she felt herself getting hot as she walked, this was it, she couldn't chicken out now.

she heard the boys start cheering and wolf wistling as she walked back towards them. one of them said “look she has her hands full, she can't stop us now. Sarah felt the ties brush against them as she started walking through the crowd. then as expected they started playfully tugging on her bikini ties again. this time she couldn't protect them and soon she felt her bikini top start to slip off, this lead to more cheering and calls of strip her. her bikini top was suddenly pulled off and was thrown around in the crowd. Sarah felt he bikini bottoms slip on one side and knew one of the ties must have been pulled open. it joined her top in being thrown around. Sarah's plan had worked perfectly, she had been stripped naked and her coffee and ice cream meant she couldn't cover up properly. she had turned bright red in embaressment but at the same time laughing along with them. the boys started playing keep away with her bikini. eventually one of the boys threw her her bikini and she put it back on.

[Debbifan]

Fun idea and an unusual take on a familiar trope. You obviously did not want any extreme humiliation which is fine.

The story was short but sweet, which is again fine. However a little more development would have improved it. A physical description of Sarah and a little background like age, job etc ( she had a car so presumably not a schoolgirl ) And without prolonging the story too much, a little dialogue would have made it even better.

[Hooked6]

I agree with Debbiefan in that dialog among characters would have gone a long way towards making the story engaging. Your take on the plot is solid and offers a lot of potential and the title (Sarah the Shy Exhibitionist) is brilliant but reading just a narrative without fleshing out your characters makes it hard for the reader to identify with or endear themselves to Sarah or her antagonists.

Keep at it and thanks for posting.

[Executionus]

I see your story as more of an outline than a full complete story, which is not a bad thing in itself because it's a very good outline. The action moves so quickly though and without dialogue or heavy details, which is why it feels more like just an outline.

What I liked was that the entire focus of the story was on the internal thoughts of Sarah, and I think you should keep that. The camera isn't even focused on the action so much as it is Sarah's mind and her shy urges, although it lacked enough detail. The first string-tug scene was only three sentences, for instance, and that scene could have filled three whole paragraphs even with nothing ever coming loose that time. Describing the internal battle in Sarah's mind between wanting her strings pulled and being terrified of the exact same thing should be the main part of this. The entire story being a reflection of Sarah herself with everyone else just as background characters is a part you should keep for this story. Unlike the others I could honestly see this working without any dialogue, although dialogue wouldn't hurt if added.

You should take this guideline and add many more details onto it (what Sarah is thinking during each moment, the feeling of her strings loosening, any second thoughts in the split-seconds before she loses it all, her reactions to every sensation, and that sort of thing). This story would work wonders if it was at least three times longer on the same outline, just filled to the brim with every minuscule experience and emotion of Sarah. By the time Sarah's bottoms fall to the ground Sarah should have experienced an entire roller coaster's worth of conflicting emotions between her shyness and her exhibitionism fighting back and forth across her every moment.

PS: I'd also advise capitalizing the start of sentences more often. I'm not sure what's up with that.

Double PS: I think this is the first time outside of Reddit that I've seen a throwaway account literally named "throwaway", so that made me laugh.

[Revengedpirate]

With Sarah I may of started with.

Sarah, was a shy, quiet girl. She had long brown hair that came down to her waist. Her two piece bikini was baby pink. Her breasts were double D, and the bikini was double knotted. Sarah occasionally liked to show off, but her shy side stopped her.

Sarah felt the warm sand between her toes which made her feel excited, the hot sun was burning her back. Sarah wanted to cool off, so she walked towards the ice cream shack on the other side of the bay.

Build your scene then go into the story. The group playing with bikinis would come in as a surprise or shock.

The audience doesn’t know this is happening till Sarah walks past first time then “oh leave me alone. Not my bikini.”

[throwaway]

An update!

For those wondering where I got the basic concept from
https://web.archive.org/web/20141212164 ... hive9.html
Stripped in the jeep story ( the idea of minimal exposure first and then trying to cause more exposure intentionally)

Debbifan and hooked6
I realise I hadn't really set the scene, I think I thought out the scene in my head so glossed over the details a lot when writing. I've added much more backstory so hopefully it should make more sense know.

Revengedpirate
Unfortunately I had written most of the backstory before seeing your post as you have a much better way of setting a scene. I've hopefully set the scene better now.

Executionus
The original story definitely ended up being an outline, as I said I think I had the backstop in my head so didn't outline it well at all( hopefully the revision is better) I've tried to extend both string tug scenes although I'm afraid I haven't managed 3 paragraphs for each( I'll keep trying ). I've tried to keep it focused on Sarah's thoughts although at the end it becomes a more traditional enf type story.

As to the capitalization I think that's a side effect of typing on a phone into a word document app.

With all that said here is a revised version.

Sarah was your typical teenage girl, fresh out of school she had taken to using the summer before college to go swimming at a beach near to her home. Sarah was outwardly very shy so she usually wore a one piece to go swimming, today however Sarah decided to wear her polka dot side tie bikini to the beach. it was a fairly Conservative bikini which covered everything but the risk of the strings untying appealed to the exhibitionist side of Sarah's personality. Sarah put on her shorts and tshirt to drive to the beach but forced herself to leave them in the car. she shivered with nervousness as she walked onto the sand, compared to her normal one piece and tshirts she felt practically naked.

she was paddling in the shallows when she saw a group of boys from her school arrive. this group had a reputation for trying to untie the bikinis of any girls who passed them, they hadn't stripped any yet but several girls had almost lost their bikini tops. a devious thought entered Sarahs brain, would they try if she walked past. she didn't have much choice anyway as they were between her and the car park. she checked that her bikini was tied securely before setting off up the beach towards them. Sarah decided that she would get a drink and ice cream from the stand at the end of the beach,she was thirsty and this kept her further from being able to cover up.

as she got closer to the group they started cheering and wolf whistling, she ignored them and kept walking. as she passed she felt the ties on her bikini get pulled. her hands instinctivly shot to her bikini bottoms to stop them. the boys started trying to pull her hands away. Sarah was torn between screaming and laughing, her shy side was terrified everytime they tugged the ties slightly looser but everytime they pulled she found herself more and more aroused, her nipples were pressing against her top and there was a definite dampness forming in her bikini bottoms. she found herself resisting less and less until she felt one of the ties start to loosen. a sudden wave of shy panic overwhelmed her and she grabbed both sides of her bikini and ran through a gap in the crowd and off up the beach.

as Sarah continued up the beach she started to get pangs of disappointment, she was secretly quite enjoying their attempts to untie her bikini, they had loosened the ties on her hips significantly before she escaped. she decided to up the stakes on the way back. she started by stopping at the toilets, here she loosened all the ties holding her bikini together. they were now little more than shoelace ties. Sarah continued to the ice cream stand and ordered a drink and an ice cream, this meant she had both hands full. as she walked back down the beach she noticed some of the boys following her. the crowd was growing rapidly as she walked.

the boys surrounded her as she reached them, the larger crowd preventing any escape routes. Sarah felt butterflies in her stomach as several hands started flicking her bikini ties. she had no way to shield them. she could feel herself turning red as the boys teased her. Tom, the ringleader called outshone wants to see Sarah naked!” a loud cheer went up and the hands flicking her bikini started slowly pulling the ties open. Sarah could feel the butterflies rising in her chest as the ties slowly loosened however she could also feel herself getting wetter again, the feeling of being stripped naked in public with no means to stop it was turning her on like nothing else. she felt the ties finally fall open. there was no going back now. instead of her bikini falling off it was picked up and the boys started playing keep away with it. Sarah was torn between covering up with her arm and trying to catch her bikini as it was thrown back and forth. eventually she gave up on getting her bikini back and decided to run the hundred meters or so back to her towel. she felt herself going bright red as she ran. she made it to her towel just in time as she began to cum into the towel. she wrapped herself in the towel and walked back to her car. she found her bikini had been left on the roof, she tied it on loosely and started driving home. she had already started planning her next trip to the beach.

P.S As you might be able to tell, I'm not entirely sure how to end the story.

[PhilMarlowe]

This is a good story base for a first attempt. The constructive suggestions can help you revise this story and improve future stories. I have tried writing some myself but I have discovered that even with constructive suggestions, I just am not a good writer.

Please keep working.

I am enjoying the changes.

/Phil

[Executionus]

As to the capitalization I think that's a side effect of typing on a phone into a word document app.

My God, man.... I think I would rather be sodomized by Andre the Giant than ever attempt to type a full story on a freaking phone keyboard. My condolences.



As for the second version, it is a little better but is largely the same. The new version also has a few errors in it (the drink and ice cream bought twice and the line "Tom, the ringleader called outshone wants to see Sarah naked!”").

The new version of the last paragraph had many improvements over the original in details, but was also worse in some ways to be honest. Instead of Sarah losing her top and bottoms separately, now it seems as though she lost them simultaneously which was less fun. She also forgot about her hands being occupied by the drink and ice cream because she was grabbing at the bikini. The scene worked much better in the original version with Sarah trapped, hands busy so that she can't cover or grab at anything, and instead forced to stand there fully exposed, at their mercy, while pleading for her bikini back in between bits of laughter trying to play it off.

You said that you didn't have an idea for an ending, but I actually really like the one you came up with (Sarah running away and hiding just a microsecond before everybody saw her cum). That being said, that whole dilemma needs to be FAR longer full of intense buildup and peril. She needs to be written as getting closer and closer to orgasm standing there naked with her hands busy. This needs multiple sentences of escalation in-between sentences of her begging for her bikini back, begging for at least a towel, and her getting more and more frantic as she inches closer and closer to doing the unthinkable in front of an entire crowd of boys. You should have her hit the edge while still standing there, ~30 seconds away from explosion, knowing that now it's too late to stop it or hide it even if she got her bottoms back on immediately. Have her panic, drop what she is holding, and run to the towel while trying desperately to hold it in to stop herself from cumming in public. Fill her head with doubt over whether she will make it to her towel in time. Have her stumble and trip right next to the towel, giving the boys an explicit back view. Have the surge from the rush of flashing the guys her actual pussy lips be the last straw which starts her orgasm. Make her crawl on her hands and knees the last two feet to her towel, butt and pussy lips wiggling for all of the guys as the orgasm is starting and her pussy tensing. Fill her head with the terror of failing to reach her towel, of shooting out liquid backwards towards the guys while they all watch. As her pussy is only half a second away from openly and blatantly cumming, have her finally grab her towel and wrap it around her waist frantically as she shoots all over the inside of it. Have her feel the mixture of extreme satisfaction from the monumental intensity from that orgasm, combined with the shame of having done that in public and praying that nobody noticed what she just did. When she walks to her car, make her feel her own wetness and ejaculate from the inside of the towel touching her as a reminder of what she just did, and as one last little thing that she hopes the boys don't discover. Have the story end with her walking to her car while secretly fantasizing about them taking away her towel and finding that wet spot and catching her red-handed. This whole process could be drawn out over several paragraphs with details, fears, sensations, and hormonal haze considering how big just my bare-bones outline turned out lol.



The descriptions of Sarah's feelings and butterflies was greatly improved, but I still feel as though it needs more of a back-and-forth tug-of-war aspect between her two warring sides. As an example:

** Sarah felt the knot almost coming undone on the back of her top. Her breathing got heavier, and she could feel her nipples stiffening up, ready to pop out in the open. Suddenly she began to panic! This is the point of no return, if she didn't do something right this instant then she was going to be topless in public. Not just "in public", but topless in front of several boys from school! These were boys she knew, boys she would have to see and talk to again and again. Sarah went to move her arm to defend herself, but her slight hesitation meant that she felt the knot come completely undone! The sudden looseness of her top sends a spike of adrenaline through her whole body! This is her last chance to keep her body unseen and she knows it, but the rush of hormones suddenly overcomes her shyness. She freezes up in the moment of truth, doing nothing as she feels the sensation of her top pulled off, dragging across her erect nipples as one last sensation as it leaves her body. When she feels the air on her nipples she loudly gasps in shock, but still does nothing to defend herself **

The way I wrote that up, she keeps shifting back and forth between her two sides. That would be one paragraph, with the next paragraph following her through the excitement of her bottoms being targeted next and her nervousness about going that far. I see her internal battle as being the cornerstone of this story.

[throwaway]

As to the capitalization I think that's a side effect of typing on a phone into a word document app.

The new version also has a few errors in it (the drink and ice cream bought twice and the line "Tom, the ringleader called outshone wants to see Sarah naked!”").

These are probably a mix of autocorrect and the fact that I was writing the new version onto the old version, it may have picked up the same paragraph twice.

[quote=Executionus post_id=5440 The new version of the last paragraph had many improvements over the original in details, but was also worse in some ways to be honest. Instead of Sarah losing her top and bottoms separately, now it seems as though she lost them simultaneously which was less fun. She also forgot about her hands being occupied by the drink and ice cream because she was grabbing at the bikini. The scene worked much better in the original version with Sarah trapped, hands busy so that she can't cover or grab at anything, and instead forced to stand there fully exposed, at their mercy, while pleading for her bikini back in between bits of laughter trying to play it off.
[/quote]

Genuinely didn't realise I had changed these, will change them back in the next version.

In terms of the ending it seemed to me that I was just rambling trying to find a reason for it to be able to finish rather than thinking about how it should finish.

[throwaway]

Last update for a bit

I've changed a few things around and fixed the issue with capitalization (hopefully).I've tried to keep the story more sexy than extreme(in my opinion anyhow). I may try to modify/add to this story in the future however in the meantime if anyone wants to modify/add to/rewrite entirely based on the basic concept please feel free.

And now for the story itself


Sarah was your typical teenage girl, fresh out of school she had taken to using the summer before college to go swimming at a beach near to her home. Sarah was outwardly very shy so she usually wore a one piece to go swimming, today however Sarah decided to wear her polka dot side tie bikini to the beach. It was a fairly Conservative bikini which covered everything but the risk of the strings untying appealed to the exhibitionist side of Sarah's personality. Sarah put on her shorts and tshirt to drive to the beach but forced herself to leave them in the car. She shivered with nervousness as she walked onto the sand, compared to her normal one piece and tshirts she felt practically naked.

She was padding in the shallows when she saw a group of boys from her school arrive. This group had a reputation for trying to untie the bikinis of any girls who passed them, they hadn't stripped any yet but several girls had almost lost their bikini tops. A devious thought entered Sarahs brain, would they try if she walked past. She didn't have much choice anyway as they were between her and the car park. She checked that her bikini was tied securely before setting off up the beach towards them. Sarah decided that she would get a drink and ice cream from the stand at the end of the beach,she was thirsty and this kept her further from being able to cover up.

As she got closer to the group they started cheering and wolf whistling, she ignored them and kept walking. As she passed she felt the ties on her bikini get pulled. her hands instinctivly shot to her bikini bottoms to stop them. the boys started trying to pull her hands away. Sarah was torn between screaming and laughing, her shy side was terrified everytime they tugged the ties slightly looser but everytime they pulled she found herself more and more aroused, her nipples were pressing against her top and there was a definite dampness forming in her bikini bottoms. She found herself resisting less and less until she felt one of the ties start to loosen. A sudden wave of shy panic overwhelmed her and she grabbed both sides of her bikini and ran through a gap in the crowd and off up the beach.

As Sarah continued up the beach she started to get pangs of disappointment, she was secretly quite enjoying their attempts to untie her bikini, they had loosened the ties on her hips significantly before she escaped. She decided to up the stakes on the way back. She started by stopping at the toilets, here she loosened all the ties holding her bikini together. They were now little more than shoelace ties. Sarah continued to the ice cream stand and ordered a drink and an ice cream, this meant she had both hands full. as she walked back down the beach she noticed some of the boys following her. The crowd was growing rapidly as she walked.

The boys surrounded her as she reached them, the larger crowd preventing any escape routes. Sarah felt butterflies in her stomach as several hands started flicking her bikini ties. She had no way to protect them this time. she could feel herself turning red as the boys teased her. Tom, the ringleader called out “who wants to see Sarah naked!” a loud cheer went up and the hands flicking her bikini started slowly pulling the ties holding her top together. She started gigling nervously expecting that they were just teasing her. Sarah could feel the butterflies rising in her chest as the ties slowly loosened, panic started to rise as she felt her top get looser and looser, she had to do something, she couldn't let the boys from her school see her boobs. she though however she could also feel herself getting wetter again, the feeling of being stripped naked in public with no means to stop it was turning her on like nothing else.Her moment of hesitation cost her dearly she felt the ties finally fall open. There was no going back now. instead of her bikini top falling off it was pulled up and over her now erect nipples. The boys started playing keep away with it. Sarah was stuck, with both hands full she couldn't catch it and couldn't even cover up properly. She begged them to return her bikini top, they laughed and kept throwing it above her head suddenly Sarah felt the teasing flicks of her bikini bottom ties had become tugs. panic rose again as she realised they were untying her bikini bottoms, her last shred of dignity. she almost dropped her drink and ice cream to save her bikini. A surge of hormones and the exhibitionist in her caused her to delay for just a second.

By the time the panic returned again it was too late, she felt the ties on her bikini bottoms open and her bikini slip off her hips. It was quickly picked up and the boys started throwing it around too. Sarah felt her pussy heating up and realised she was about to cum. She pleaded for the boys to return her bikini, even just her bikini bottoms, the boys however laughed and one of them ran off with her bikini. Sarah realised that if she didn't run now she was going to orgasm in front of a massive crowd of boys from school.She had to go now. she started to run the hundred meters or so back to her towel. She felt herself going bright red as she ran. She made it to her towel just in time as she began to cum into the towel. She wrapped herself in the towel and walked quickly back to her car. she found her bikini had been left on the roof, she tied it on loosely and started driving home. Sarah had already started planning her next trip to the beach.