Gesundheit

[EddieDavidson]

Thank you for posting this!

If I could offer some constructive feedback, it would be this;

1- You've already put a lot of work into this story, so it's probably too late now. However, what would have helped me was if you had written it in Chloe's voice. The exposition of what's going on in their head and the perspective of Chloe would help connect me to the character. Imagine Chloe is sitting across from someone in a bar and telling them the story of what happened from their perspective.

That may be a good note for the next story.

However, what's killing me is the lack of real dialogue/and how it is sort of summarized and merged into one paragraph.

There is dialogue, but it feels likes entire conversations in one paragraph at times, example;

Lucia, still covering her shame with her hands, replied in a deflated tone, "All they saw was a naked woman". "NO!", Chloe refuted. "They saw, 'The Winter Solstice Queen', in all her Splendor and Majesty! It's not your body they see, Lucia, it's the courage and fortitude of what you represent!" Chloe continued to calm and reassure her naked friend, knowing she needed Lucia to take up her role as 'winter solstice queen', one more time at the end of the play. "Right after the second act, I'll get your clothes", Chloe promised. "In the meantime, you'll be sheltered from public view, if you stay right here", she said. "Where are your clothes anyway?", she asked, hoping not to upset her friend, who was obviously overwhelmed by her exposure and the humiliation that came with it. I took them off in the cloak room", she sheepishly replied.

There is so much going on here. Multiple characters are speaking, and the paragraph has a lot of stuff happening.

Ideally, you do one paragraph for each speaker, and when someone changes, you make a new paragraph.

Don't be stingy with dialogue. I feel like you are trying to summarize conversations, without characters getting in words edge wise.

It reads a little like a police blotter/report.

This (x) happened, at location (y), and this particular individual said "I am innocent", to which this other particular individual said "no, you are not." and then they went here and did this, and did that.

Break it out, take your time - words are free. Enjoy the scene and let it really build up. You have some great ideas here - but they seem to be hurried to get through them.


This first paragraph:
2- Chloe and Lucia had been friends since grade school. Chloe had always been somewhat submissive to Lucia, while Lucia, with her inflated ego was too self-centered to even notice. Chloe was petite, 5' 2" tall and 110 pounds. She was sweet, shy yet friendly with blue eyes and short red hair. Lucia was taller at 5' 8" and weighed 140 pounds. She had shoulder length black hair, olive colored skin and big brown eyes. She also had an unwelcome air of superiority about her. They could have not been more different. Many in the small Oregon town, where the two girls grew up, wondered, not just why Chloe put up with Lucia's arrogance and what seemed like her occasional verbal bullying, but why she was friends with Lucia at all. Kevin, Chloe's slightly older brother, speculated that his sister actually felt sorry for Lucia, who had a difficult time making friends due to her egotistical attitude. The two girls would remain friends, although their lives would take completely different directions after they graduated from high school.

This is good and bad, to me.

On the good side, it gets us right into the story. We know who is who, what is what, the three characters that are apparently the only people in this story and their relationship.

All in one paragraph. The implication is they "grew up" so they must be adults of some kind.

On the bad side, this is what I call "Telling the reader" instead of showing the reader.

If you ever read an author like Hooked6, He'll usually start somewhere interesting with some dialogue that sets this tone.

"Lucia, we've been friends since grade school; I've done everything you've ever asked but now that we are adults...." and in that one sentence I've already shown the reader what you told them in the first sentence in yours. Try to paint word pictures to organically give descriptions about characters. It's not important that I know Lucia's height and weight at this point. I can get a general idea if you tell us something about her pretty brown eyes and olive skin and maybe her Brooklyn accent that makes people automatically assume she's Italian, etc.

It's hard for me to teach this, because I am still struggling with it myself. The general rule of thumb is when you have a detail that you just want to tell the reader ask yourself;

1. Do they need to know now?
2. Can I paint this picture through body language, through scent or touch, or some sort of descriptive that helps the reader visualise without saying it.

Example:
We were at the Circus.

Instead:
The circus was a whirlwind of excitement and spectacle, where every moment seemed filled with wonder and amazement. It was cheap and tawdry, and you could see the whole thing was held together by rubber bands and best wishes if you looked close enough. Imagine being my age, the first time that I saw it. I paid no attention to the carnies that made the whole thing run back stage. all I saw were the vibrant colors of the big top tent, with its red and white stripes reaching high into the sky. The sweet scent of popcorn and cotton candy, fried dough on the midway, the sounds of Van Halen blasting out of the cheap rides.

you don't have to get that decorative, but really transition scenes and let us know what's going on there. I often feel there are only three people that exist in this story and the rest of the world is on hold.

A great example (And I am guilty of this)

Instead of;
"He was nervous"

You could do;
"He tapped nervously"

Or for Hooked6 level/mastery you could say
He couldn't stop fidgeting; his eyes darted around the room. One of his legs was shaking restlessly like he just wanted to get up and run out of the room.


That's my two or three cents.

[EddieDavidson]

No worries - the question is quality over quantity.

I can't say that I am perfect. I free-write and then go back and polish.

However, if you at least get in the habit of writing a new paragraph for every speaker you'll be easier to read.

It shouldn't add more time. You are already saying these things. If you read other stories, you'll see they all pretty much follow that flow. It can be difficult to read without it.

I've read stories that were dialogue only. no body language, no exposition. They don't even tell you who the speaker is. However, the author used clever ways to give you an idea.

"Lucia, get your ass down here!"

"What is it Daddy?"

"Did you paint your pussy in front of people at a play?"

"Yes, Daddy! but it's not what you think. I am so embarrassed!"

"If that's your idea of having fun, strip right here! You can paint your asshole in front of me and the rest of the family!"

"But Daddy!"

"That's right, Lucia! Start with the butt!! C'mon, you had no problem doing it in front of strangers."


It's harder than it looks, but you might try writing minimal exposition and see what you can do with dialogue only and a little attribution. At least for your next one.

It's interesting how you seemed to be going down the path of hypnosis with this. I've written a few hypnosis stories, but I don't like zombies who don't know it's happening. i like them to be aware/horrified or at least when they wake up they find out what they've done. That's fun.

I've also done some where the girls were just fucking with the guy and letting him think they were hypnotized - to see how far he'd take it. almost like a bet between them to see who would chicken out and reveal that they were just teasing.