The Helpful Genie (Complete 1/14)

[MissAriel]

I take a step back and gasp. This can’t be real. I’d better pinch myself so I can wake up. That always works in the movies.

OW!

Okay, not dreaming.

“Thank you, little lady! Oh, gosh, that little contraption is awful. I owe you one. Oh, one more thing. Sorry, sorry, I hate to be a bother, but is there any chance you could tell me what year it is?”

Jaw. Hanging. Open. All I did was try to turn on this antique record player, but instead of hearing music, this ridiculous, muscular, hairless naked man comes out of nowhere. Could he at least cover his you-know-what? Shameless. And now he’s asking me what year it is? It has to be a dream. Let’s try the pinching thing again. FRICK! Okay, the pinching thing isn’t helping.

The naked man raises his eyebrows at me. Hey, you’re the one naked, don’t act like I’m the crazy person here. What's wrong with you? Cover yourself!

New hypothesis. I'm not dreaming. This guy is a lunatic and I need to get him out of my house ASAP. Preferably after he puts his clothes on, wherever they are.

“Um, hey, would you mind, you know...” I say while awkwardly averting my eyes from his manliness.

“Oh, right, the outfit, got it. Sorry, last little lady I met was a big fan. Said it really brings out my eyes,” the man says. “Would you mind turning around for a sec? Ah, yes, just like that. Thanks, little lady. A little hard to work the mojo while someone is watching, you know what I mean? Presto. There we go. All done.”

I turn back around to face the man. He’s now wearing the poofiest blue pants I’ve ever laid eyes on and a shirt so thin that he might as well not be wearing anything at all. Well, it’s an improvement. Luckily for him, terrible fashion is a lesser crime than public nudity.

“Uh, so, not to be rude, but like... who are you? And why are you hiding up here in my attic? Look, if you’re a squatter, sorry, but you’re gonna have to move. I just bought this house and --”

“Little lady, sorry, but really, what year is it? I feel like I’ve been trapped in there half a century, you know? And that awful song, The Twist, it was playing the entire time. Truly horrible. Do you have a nice lamp, by any chance? You know, one of those small ones, but well, not too small, I do like a bit of space. But I’m not picky, really, anything will do,” the man says.

“Who are you?” I ask.

“A genie, obviously. You know, little lady, you’ve asked me three questions now, which I’ve happily answered, but I’m starting to get a bit testy. Could you please tell me the date?” the ‘genie’ asks me.

“A genie? You think you’re a genie?” I ask.

He gives me a dirty look.

“Oh, err, sorry.” I blush. Okay, I guess when he puts it that way, I am being a little rude. “The date is January 13, 2023.”

“2023? Oh no! It’s been so long. I feel like I missed everything! Did Kennedy get re-elected? Charming man, great vision. I had a good feeling about him, you know? And how about the Beatles? Do you know them? They were an up-and-coming band in my time, little lady, but I just knew they were going to be a big hit. Are they still together by any chance?” the Genie asks.

“Err...” I think I should probably avoid answering that line of questions. “You know, that stuff was a really long time ago. I can’t remember. But, you know, how about the present? We live in exciting times. Check this out, it’s a computer in my pocket! And this is what we call Youtube!”

The cat videos should keep him busy for a while. Dear kitten, gosh, a modern miracle of comedy. Okay, while he’s distracted, THINK Rebecca. How am I going to get this guy out of here? Clearly, he needs some help, because he thinks he’s a time traveling genie from the 1960s. Sigh. I knew the price on this house was too good to be true. You think the realtor might have mentioned the crazy naked man in the attic, but noooooo! I’m going to let her have it the next time I see her.

“Little lady, listen, these tiny cats are adorable, and this computer pocket thing, it's neat, but -- oh hey, would you mind if I borrowed this?” The genie points at an old, dusty looking stereo. “It’s a little modern for my tastes, but I can’t stand that old record player. Oh, and if it’s not a bother, is there any chance you have some songs by the Beatles? The Twist, it’s an okay song, but after listening to it for however many decades, I just can’t anymore, you know?”

This guy just never stops talking. I should call the cops, I guess, but on the other hand, that might get messy. Maybe if I humor him, I can convince him to go outside to check out this neat new thing called ‘the highway’.

“Um... yeah, sure, you can have it. It’s a stereo. Not worth much. Kind of old, but you might be able to find some CDs for it on Amazon,” I say.

“Amazon? Like the rain forest? Little lady, I might not look busy, but I am, and I really don’t have time to fly down to South America,” the genie says.

“Oh, right. You’re from the 1960s, of course.” This guy is so fucking crazy. “Listen, I’ll just take you out to get some CDs, alright? I think there’s an old music shop downtown.”

The genie picks up the stereo and holds it as if it’s the most precious thing he's ever owned. Seriously, he is so weird. At this point, I'm ready to say anything if I think it will encourage him to leave.

“Little lady, you’ve been so helpful. I appreciate this wonderful gift. I will always cherish it. Since you've been so kind, in return, I shall grant you three wishes,” the genie says cheerfully.

Oh. My. God. He’s unhinged.

“You think you’re a genie? And that you can grant me wishes?” I ask.

“Little lady, I get it. You think, oh, he’s been trapped in a record player for 70 years, he must not have much going on in his life, let's play 20 questions. Well, to the contrary, I have a lot going on! I have decades of music to catch up on, and those records aren’t going to listen to themselves, mind you, and then I have to read up on the latest presidential candidates, of course. Very important to vote. I've never missed an election, if you can believe it. Well, aside from last 70 years or so, but that bit is hardly my fault, I don't think that counts, do you? Anyways, the point is, I'm a very busy genie. Really, I should be off to that music shop right now... but since you did help me escape that awful contraption, yes, three wishes, just for you,” the genie says.

This sounds crazy. Okay, okay, I’ll humor him. The sooner I make these ‘wishes’, the sooner he heads off to the music shop and out of my life forever.

“Oh, by the way, please don’t try the whole wishing for more wishes thing or anything clever like that. It’s three, okay? Just three. One, two, three, just like that. Trust me. You should see what happened to the last person that wanted more. Always be careful with wishes, little lady. They're granted as is. Really funny story, the lady that wanted more wishes. She might still be stuck in that time loop. You should have seen how red her face was. Well, actually, it probably still is red, given the circumstances,” the genie says with a big smile.

“Riiiiiight. Anyways. So, three wishes. And it’s any three wishes I want?” I ask.

“Yep! That’s the deal. Just make sure you really think them through. Can’t undo wishes, you know. Or well, I can, but trust me, not worth it, not hardly worth it. All sorts of time loop problems. But really, don’t worry, most people are pretty happy. Just make sure you think your wishes through. They’re granted as is. But other than that, yes, nothing to worry about. Do you need some suggestions? Wishing to meet your soulmate is a great one. People falling in love is so romantic, and I love making people happy. True love is so beautiful! It brings a tear to my eye,” the genie says wistfully.

Soulmate? Ugh. Screw that. I just got out of a nasty divorce. I had to take my ex-husband to the cleaners. Thankfully, I was able to buy this house with the money from the divorce settlement. I got almost everything. He totally deserved it, too. Okay, I mean, yes, I didn’t have to take his puppy, but he didn’t have to break up with me, so fair is fair.

“Yeah, I’m not feeling the soulmate thing. Honestly, I’m never getting married again. It was awful. Most of the time, I wish I never met my ex-husband,” I say.

“Wish granted!” the genie shouts cheerfully.

“Wait, I was just ranting, that wasn’t my –”

The room changes before my eyes. Holy crap. Is this guy actually a genie? Unreal. The room was full of old junk just seconds ago, but now it’s completely empty. The only thing here is this genie fellow and the stereo I gave him. Wow, look at the window. It’s so clean now, and beautifully adorned with light colored drapes. Everything in this old attic is completely different. It shouldn’t be possible.

“Honey, can you go to the store and grab some more paint?” a man shouts from downstairs.

“Sure, babe, need anything else while I’m out there?” a woman replies.

What's going on? This is my house!

“Um, mister genie fella, why are there people in my house? And why is it so cold? I never asked you to turn my house into a freezer,” I say angrily.

I look out the window and see a lady getting into her car. Speaking of cars...

“And where’s my car? What the hell?” I ask in a rage.

“Well, little lady, those nice people are the owners. As for your car, how should I know? It could belong to anyone now. That was quite a wish, you know. Really changed the fabric of time and space. I think you should have gone with the soulmate thing, but you know, can lead a horse to water, as they say,” the genie says.

“Okay, fine, whatever, we’re in bizzaro land and some strange couple owns my house now. Great. One problem at a time. Seriously, could you do something about the temperature? Why is it so fucking cold?” I ask.

“It’s not cold. You’re cold. There’s a difference, see?” the genie says helpfully.

“Okay, fine, if you want to be pedantic about it, why am I so fucking --”

I look down and freeze in horror as I realize that I’m standing in nothing but my bra and panties in front of a completely clear and open window.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME I WAS IN MY UNDERWEAR?” I yell.

When I come to my senses, I move away from the window and fold my arms in front of my chest. Oh my God. Anyone could have seen me just now. I might have to sell the house! Unbelievable. I could never live it down if anyone saw me in my underwear. I look ridiculous. I want my dress back! No one is supposed to see me like this except my husband!

“Oh, the underwear? You never asked. What a silly question. You know, little lady, I think you’re being a little unfair, taking your anger out on me and all. I just grant the wishes, okay? You’re the one that asked for whatever this mess is,” the genie says with a shrug.

“Genie! This isn’t what I wished for! Why would I ever wish for this? Where the hell is my dress?” I demand.

“Listen, little lady, you’re being awfully mean. I fulfilled your wish, nothing more, nothing less. I mean, I did warn you about being careful and all. But it’s okay. You still have two wishes to turn this all around. Now, really, I bet a soulmate could really help you fix this, and –”

“You humiliated me! You took my dress, my house, my car, and you’re going to sit here and lecture me? That wasn’t even a wish! I was just ranting. Can't you tell the difference? Apparently not. And to top it all off, I’m standing here in my underwear in what apparently is someone else’s house, and I don't even have a car to drive away in, not that I even have a house to go home to anymore. You want to know what I wish for, you stupid jerk genie? I WISH I WASN’T IN MY UNDERWEAR RIGHT NOW!”

“Wish granted,” the genie says with a smile.

[superevil7]

Cute story. I wonder how Rebecca is going to get out of this mess now. Just one wish left, and she doesn't seem to really grasp how to use them to her advantage

[MissAriel]

Part 2

I throw my hands up in the air at the obnoxious genie and start shouting, “Wait, wait, wait! I didn’t mean it! I was being sarcastic! That’s not my wish!”

“You know, you really have nothing to be embarrassed about. I’ve had many a fine client ask for breasts as round as yours or such a flat tummy. And here you didn’t even have to wish for it. Mighty lucky, you are, little lady, to have such a fine figure. Why, I should tell you about the master I had once that asked for –”

“Can it, genie, with your ridiculously long monologues. Tell me, why am I naked!?” I ask angrily.

“Because you wished you weren’t in your underwear, obviously,” the genie replies.

“But that wasn’t what I meant! I meant I wanted to be wearing clothes instead of being in my underwear. This is a huge misunderstanding. That wasn’t my wish! Fix it!” I plead.

“No can do, little lady. Like I said, the rules are as is. And honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, really, you look great. Really. Many clients have used a wish or two to have a body not half as beautiful as yours. I mean, honestly, I’m not sure I could craft one like that if someone wished for it, you know?” the genie says.

I suddenly realize that in my anger about being naked, I’ve completely forgotten about the fact that I’M NAKED! Oh my freaking God, he’s been able to see everything. I quickly use one arm to cover my tits and the other to cover my pussy. I need to fix this clothing situation right freaking now!

“Oh, hey, if you’re trying to cover, lower your arm a little, you're missing a little bit of that pink nipple of yours, yeah, like that, right there. You’ve got it! Now you’re totally covered,” the genie says.

“Okay, okay, I get it, I wished I wasn’t in my underwear, fine. But why was I in my underwear in the first place? I don’t even remember how I got into this position! All I know is that I was in my new house cleaning out the attic and then you showed up out of nowhere and then...” I say.

“Well, you wished you’d never met your ex-husband. Funny, really. I suppose he must have bought the dress you were wearing,” the genie says.

“I’ve never had a husband, you moron,” I say.

“Oh, right, right. You wouldn’t remember that. My mistake. Let me clarify, little lady. My fault, I take responsibility for that entirely, I should have known better. Silly me, you know, time travel, it’s complicated. Oh, the stories I could tell you about time travel. But anyways, where was I? Oh, right, so you used to have an ex-husband, but you wished you never met him. And anyways, your wish, well, it didn’t come out the way you expected, because the only reason you had a house or a car or a dress was because of him. I suppose he must have been a pretty generous fella, huh?” the genie asks.

“This sounds ridiculous, I don’t remember him at all,” I say.

“Welcome back, honey. Yeah, I finished the bedroom. Want to get started on the attic?” a muffled male voice says from down below.

“Sounds great,” a female voice replies.

"You go on ahead, I'll be right behind you," a male voice says.

“GENIE!!!!” I shout.

“What?” the genie asks.

“You’ve got to get us out of here! I’m naked in someone else’s house! Come on! Take me somewhere else!” I shout.

I furiously look around for a hiding spot, but again, the attic is completely empty now. There is literally nothing standing between me and the floorboard that this stupid couple is about to open up. I am completely helpless without this jerk face genie’s help.

“Well, I’d love to help, little lady, but well, you see, I can’t. Internal affairs and all that, very strict like, you know what I’m saying? I’m not allowed to help mortals except when granting wishes. It’s just part of the contract, nothing personal, understand? I mean, I like you. Listen, I have a suggestion, something I think might help you out of this situation as it were. You could wish you knew your ex-husband again, and everything would be fine. Life’s back to normal. I mean, yeah, you’d have wasted all your wishes, but hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Just think it over. That’s the wish I’d make, I think,” the genie says helpfully.

I angrily march over to him and point my finger directly in his face.

“You will help me this instant! I freed you from that stupid record player, and I gave you that stereo you’re holding on to so dearly, and I even told you where to get songs by the Beatles or whatever. So you are going to help me get out of this mess right now so help me God,” I shout.

The genie stares directly at my breasts and smiles. YOU PIG! I cover my chest once more, and glancing down to make sure I have full nipple coverage this time. This is so humiliating. I have to get out of here. I hear their footsteps. They’ll be in here any second.

“Oh, that reminds me, the Beatles! I did want to visit that music shop. Well, okay, just for the sake of my job, let’s be clear that I’m not helping you out here, little lady. I was going to leave this place, anyways, and I suppose you can tag along. But I want to be clear, I can’t help you without a wish, this is just a lucky coincidence that we both want to be somewhere else, okay? I do appreciate you telling me about the music shop, by the way. You know, I just love listening to new tunes. I wonder what kind of music the 2000s –”

I see the floorboard start to move and I shout, “SHUT UP AND GET US OUT OF HERE!”

“Okay, okay, little lady. Hold your horses, I’m going. But could you turn around? Again, it’s just, you know, hard to work my mojo with people watching and all,” the genie says.

“Honey, can you come here? I know it’s crazy, but I could have sworn I heard voices in the attic. I’m a little nervous to go up there by myself,” a female voice says.

“I’ll be right there!” a male voice says.

“FINE!” I shout.

I turn around, wondering if he actually has performance anxiety or he just wanted an excuse to look at my ass. Whatever. Literally anywhere is better than here.

Oh. This feels... weird.

“Sorry, little lady, teleporting through spacetime can feel a little weird if, you know, you’re not me. But I’m sure you’ll get over it in no time. Hang on. Excuse me, sir! Yes, I’m looking for any albums by the Beatles for this here ‘stereo’ thingy. Do you think you could point me in the right direction?” the genie says.

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. I’M NAKED INSIDE A MUSIC STORE!

“GENIE!” I whisper shout while hiding behind a tall shelf filled with various CDs and pamphlets.

“Hold on, little lady, I’ll be with you in a minute. Yellow Submarine, you say? Yes, I think I would like that one, yes indeed. I’m a big fan of the Beatles sir, one of the originals. I knew they’d be a hit back then. I liked them before they were popular, yes, sir. Oh, I promise, I’m a bit older than I look, young feller, but no worries, I know what I like,” the genie says.

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m naked! Literally anyone could see me. Things could not possibly get any worse. I’ve never even let anyone see me in my underwear! My body is strictly for my future husband. Oh no, is someone coming in the door? GENIE, GENIE, GET OVER HERE!!!!!

“GENIE!” I whisper shout again.

“Oh, hold on sir, my little lady friend, she’s awfully needy. Yes, I would be interested in more albums, but I’ll just take this one for now, thank you so much. I’ll be back, sorry, truly, this little lady, she always needs something. You know how it is, right? Oh, yes, of course, I’m sure you could help her. To be honest, I’m not too up and up on the latest music trends of the 2020s, you might find her an album she likes, too, that’s great thinking. You know, I ought to put a good word in for you, you’ve been ever so helpful, sir,” the genie says.

YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! He’s going to bring him over here!?

“Hey, ma’am, your boyfriend says –” the clerk starts to say.

“He is NOT my boyfriend!” I say angrily.

“That you would like some...help... selecting some... are you naked?” the clerk asks.

“Um,” I say helplessly. I look at the genie. “A little help, please?”

The genie shrugs. “You could wish for some clothes, you know.”

“Ma’am, read the sign,” the clerk says with a sigh.

No shirt, no service. Are you KIDDING me? Seriously!? LIKE I WANTED TO BE NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR STUPID STORE IN THE FIRST PLACE!

“Err, my bad?” I say with an awkward smile.

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” the clerk says.

“But I can’t! I’m naked. I can’t go... out there. Please,” I plead.

“Listen, I don’t know what kind of kinky games you’re playing with your boyfriend, but this is not that kind of shop. Now kindly leave before I call the cops,” the clerk says.

Fuck.

“All right, all right, don’t call the cops, Jesus!” I yell.

I humiliatingly stop covering my pussy and grab the genie’s hand and drag him to the exit with me. The only thing worse than being naked in public is going to jail naked. This is the lesser of two evils.

A man whistles at me and what I think is his wife gives me the coldest scowl. Listen, lady, I don’t want him to see me like this anymore than you do! Oh God. I’m naked in public. This is the worst day of my entire life. They can see EVERYTHING!

Holy. Shit. We’re in the middle of downtown!

“GENIE!” I shout.

“I’m right here, little lady. What now? You know, I wasn’t finished shopping, but it’s hard to decide what music I like with you yammering so much. I don’t see what your problem is. You know, I bet if you just listened to some music, it could chill you out a bit, you know? I always feel better after listening to some of my favorite tunes,” the genie says.

“MY PROBLEM IS THAT I’M COMPLETELY NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF DOWNTOWN AND EVERYONE CAN SEE ME!” I shout.

Only seconds after I shouted this, a car smashes into another car, and it feels like the entire street corner has now turned their attention to me. I can hardly hear myself think over the the blaring sounds of car horns and the chatter of a growing crowd that points and stares in my general direction.

“Well, if they didn’t before, they certainly do now, don’t they, little lady? You know, you really have a way of attracting a lot of attention to yourself. Have you ever considered just mellowing out a bit? I mean, really, you are one of the angriest masters I’ve ever had, and believe me, I’ve seen some mean cookies in my time. Why, I could just tell you about the time--”

“I’ve had it enough with your stupid stories! I’ve had it with the nudity and your ridiculously long monologues and annoying overly cheerful attitude! You know what my PROBLEM is, genie? My problem is you! I WISH I COULD GO BACK IN TIME BEFORE I EVER MADE ANY STUPID WISHES WITH YOU!” I shout.

The genie gives me a heavy sigh as I continue covering myself. Do these people really have nothing better to do than sit here and STARE at me?

“You know, honestly, it’s not the first time I’ve been stuck in a time loop, and I suppose this one is not so bad. I mean, you are easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean, little lady. But I do hope you break out of the loop sooner than later, because I was really looking forward to these new Beatles albums. I’d really rather not with the wish, you see, but regulations and all, so, yeah, I suppose if I must, fine, wish granted,” the genie sighs.

“Time loop?” I ask.

“Little lady, you’ve been so helpful. I appreciate the gesture. Since you’re so kind, I shall grant you three wishes!” the genie says cheerfully.

Oh. My. God. He’s unhinged.

“You think you’re a genie? And that you can grant me wishes?” I ask.

...

123 loops later...

“Little lady, PLEASE, wish for money, for a soulmate, to cure cancer, to be a pop idol. There are so many good wishes out there. Please, wish for something else, anything but –”

“Honestly, I’m never getting married again. It was awful. Most of the time, I wish I never met my ex-husband,” I say.

[superevil7]

Very funny ending with her getting stuck in a time loop
I really liked the moment she realized she was completely naked down town.

[MissAriel]

Very funny ending with her getting stuck in a time loop
I really liked the moment she realized she was completely naked down town.

I immensely enjoyed writing this one! I do enjoy it when a girl ends up naked by her own incompetence. And in this case, the genie does everything he can to help her, but she just won't help herself.

Poor genie. All he wants to do is listen to some tunes, but instead he has to watch Rebecca be humiliated in public for all eternity. On the bright side, at least the view is good! Well, anyways, I'm sure she'll break out of the loop eventually just by random chance, you know?

But you know what I think will suck the most for Rebecca? When she does break out, the genie is going to make sure she remembers every single loop, because he's frankly a little miffed with her at this point.

[Executionus]

Loads of fun! The part where the genie is actively directing her attempt at covering herself because she missed a spot was pure gold.

Part of me thinks the genie would try teleporting to different music stores every loop hoping one of the stores would either break the loop or at least let him grab a CD before restarting. And then somehow it keeps not working to his giant annoyance.