The P. P. Game

[spelvin]

It was summertime in Vermilion. Lilly was lounging on the deck outside with her friends. Her brother Randolph was sitting on the edge of the pool splashing water with his feet. Their mother just served sandwiches and cookies to the children and was now leisurely reading a magazine.

Another one of Lilly’s friends arrived late. Since she was in a different homeroom, Lilly was the only one who knew her. The girl mumbled a self-introduction.

Lilly’s guest Batilde said, “Is that Wita, spelled with a W?”

Lilly said, “No, it’s Rita, spelled with an R.”

Lilly then added, “While we’re introducing ourselves, Randolph has a little friend that I want you to meet. His name is Patricius Philodendron, but that’s too hard to say, so we just call him P. P.”

Mrs. Simmare grabbed Randolph’s arms and Lilly grabbed the waistband of Randolph’s swimsuit.

Lilly said, “Say when.”

Mrs. Simmare looked at her wristwatch. When she said “when,” Lilly pulled down Randolph’s swimsuit.

Lilly and her mother pulled Randolph’s feet out of the swimsuit. Their mother put it in her handbag where Randolph could not reach it. Lilly said, “Awww, P. P. is asleep. Come on, P. P., wake up for us.”

The friends joined in talking in a motherly voice and making smooching noises. “Awww, P. P., be a good sport.”

The cajoling continued until Randolph’s penis was straight up and down. Mother looked at her watch and said, “Forty seconds.”

Kindra said, “Do us a favor and leave your swimsuit off. We already know what you look like, and won’t tease you anymore.”

Rita said, “Yeah. I’ve never seen a naked boy before.”

Wencke said, “We’ll even let you tease us for a change. The boys tease Batilde by calling her Batty.”

Batilde smiled and said, “That’s true, too. Right now I’m batty over a boy named Randolph.”

Another friend said, “But how about you, Wencke? The boys call you by calling you Winnie the Pooh.”

Wencke said, “I really stepped into that one.”

Lilly picked up a ring toss set off the ground and put it on the lawn table. “Let’s play a game of ring toss. Randolph, stand right there. The rest of you guys, I’ll go first to show you how it’s done.” She took a ring and stood ready to throw it.

Kindra said, “But what about the pegs?”

Lilly said, “You don’t need any pegs.”

Lilly threw a ring and barely missed Randolph’s erect penis.

The girls took turns tossing rings until Lilly’s mother looked at her watch and said, “The hour is up. You can go in the pool now.”

Wencke said, “Randolph, while you’re still erect, will you be a good sport if we decide to play drawbridge?”

Randolph said, “How do you play that?”

Wencke said, “You’re a drawbridge and we’re all ships. You stand in the shallow end of the pool, just deep enough to cover your penis, and you stand with your legs wide apart. We take turns swimming between your legs, but no one can go through your legs without flipping your penis.”

Randolph nodded timidly and said, “I think I can stand that.”

Batilde said, “Flip his penis? How do you do that?”

Wencke said, “Hold it a second, Randolph. Batilde, let me show you: if you pull down on it and let go in one swift motion, it springs back up.”

Batilde smiled and said, “Oooh! That’s cool!”

Randolph climbed in the pool and the girls eagerly followed. Rita, who was busy introducing herself to Lilly’s mother, rapidly followed and said, “Wait, I want to play d—, the game that you’re playing.”

After a few rounds of the game, one of the girls came back up and said, “Hey! What’s the idea of going flaccid on us! I still wanna play the game!”

Randolph said, “It doesn’t come equipped with an on-and-off switch! Some of you don’t seem to realize that!”

Wencke said, “We can still play weiner tag. We all chase Randolph, and you get two points for
tagging him on the weiner and one point for tagging him on the butt.”

Randolph said, “Do you have a brother, Wencke?”

Wencke said, “No, but I have a boy cousin. I only see him for one week in July.”

Randolph said, “I bet you wear him out.”

Randolph got out of the pool and the girls all chased after him. While they were playing, Kindra saw her mother drive up. Her brother Brandt was in the back seat.

Rita said, “I didn’t know Mrs. Eriksson was your mom,”

Wencke said, “So you know Kindra’s mom?”

Rita said, “Yeah. She’s the speech teacher.”

Kindra said goodbye to everyone, thanked the hostess, and got in the back seat with Brandt. On the ride home, Brandt said, “I didin’t know Randolph swam naked.”

Kindra said, “He usually doesn’t. But this time, they made him. Lilly and her mom pulled down his suit, we all teased him, and Lilly’s mom announced how long it was before he went stiff.”

“Which was?”

“Forty seconds.”

Brandt scowled, “Forty seconds? I can beat that.”

Kindra said, “I’m sure you could. Let’s practice when we get home.”

* * * * *

Brandt sat on his bed with no clothes on. Kindra sat on the floor and Mrs. Eriksson sat on a chair.
“Now you need to speak softly, speak slowly, and tilt your head slightly. That’s the way.”

Kindra said, “Brant’s weewee is asleep. Come on, weewee, wake up. It’s morning time. Won’t you wake up, just a little bit, for momzy poo? Oooh, that’s it. You’re getting there. Now rise and shine. Oh, wonderful!”

Mrs. Eriksson had her eye on the wristwatch. “That was a minute and twenty seconds. That beats Randolph’s time, but I think we can do better. We’re making a mistake holding this practice session in Brandt’s bedroom when we could be holding it in the living room.”

Kindra said, “But what if company comes?”

“Then we’ll invite them in.”

* * * * *

The doorbell rang while Brandt was in the living room reading a comic book. Mother shouted from the kitchen, “Brandt, can you get the door?”

Brandt said, “Do I really have to?”

Mother said, “Yes, you really have to. Kindra and I are busy making cookies.”

Brandt opened the door a crack, and then opened the door the rest of the way.

“You must be Rita, and you must be Mrs. Richwine. Come on in.”

The two guests sat down. Rita whispered to her mother and her mother whispered back.

Rita looked at Brandt and said, “You wook—I mean you look--vewy nice. I mean very nice.” Rita covered her face and giggled.

Brandt said, “Thank you.”

Mrs. Richwine said, “Rita’s embarrassed.”

Brandt said, “Why?”

Mrs. Richwine said, “Because of how she talks.”

Brandt said, “Oh.”


Brandt added, “I certainly know what it’s like to be embarrassed.”

Rita uncovered her face. “Why? You embawassed too?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because of how I look.”

“Oh.”

Mrs. Eriksson came in, wiping her hands on a towel. Kindra followed, wiping her hands on her apron.

Mrs. Richwine said, “That’s a fine chunk of meat you got there!”

Kindra said affectionately, “We’ve decided to keep him.”

Mrs. Richwine said, “I have some places to go right now. I’ll be back in about an hour.”

Mrs. Eriksson said, “We’ll take good care of Rita.”

* * * * *

“Now girls: the main rule is to speak slowly and speak softly, because that’s how we speak to babies. Did you understand that?”

The girls nodded. “Good. Now for the next lesson. You need to make a great big wide smile whenever you make a long E sound. Let’s practice that. Peepee.”

The girls repeated, “Peepee.”

“Weewee.”

“Weewee.”

“Teetee.”

“Teetee.”

“Mommee.”

“Mommee.”

“Did you feel a ringing in your head? You did? Good. That’s means you got a good head tone.

Now for the next lesson: T and P are both voiceless consonants, which means that they are both produced without using the vocal cords. Furthermore, they are both plosives, which means that you make those sounds by stopping the flow of air and then suddenly release the air.

“When you say ‘peepee’ and ‘teetee,’ say those words softly, but send out as much air as you can. That way, you will sound really babyish.”

The girls practiced. “Peepee.” “Teetee.” “Peepee.” “Teetee.”

“Good. Now put one hand in front of your mouth and see how much air current you can feel with your hand.”

The girls practiced again. “Peepee.” “Teetee.” “Peepee.” “Teetee.”

“Did you feel the air current? Good. Now for the next lesson: The M sound is a very important sound for babies because it has to do with mommies and milk. Let’s hear you say ‘mommy’ with two good long M sounds.”

The girls said, “Mommy,” “Mommy” with emphasis on the M sounds.

“Good. One final lesson: When you make the long U sound, pucker your lips like you’re about to kiss somebody. Let’s hear you say ‘mommypoo,’ and don’t forget to linger on the M’s. And don’t forget the puff of air on the P’s.”

The girls said, “Mommypoo,” “Mommypoo” as instructed.

“Good! Brandt is still here, now let’s torture him but good!”

* * * * *

And so the rehearsal proceeded. Brant broke his own record, then his own record again, and then his own record again.

The timer on the oven went off at about the same time that the doorbell rang. This time, Brandt answered the doorbell with less hesitation. “Come on in. Everybody’s in the kitchen and you’re just in time for a serving of nice hot chocolate chips.”

Brandt led Mrs. Richwine into the kitchen. Mrs. Eriksson handed Brandt a cookbook and said, “Brandt honey, could you please take this book back to Mrs. Husmor? Tell her I said thank you.”

Kindra and Rita eyed each other surreptitiously.

Brandt did not move. “Just one question: will there be enough cookies for me when I get back?”

He gave Kindra and Rita a dirty look. “I don’t trust these two.”

Kindra said, “That’s okay. We’ll go with you.”

Rita said, “I wanna watch you when you see—this neighbor of yours.”

Kindra said, “And I wanna watch her when she sees you.”

Brandt said, “All right, let’s go.”

The three children proceeded out the door.

* * * * *

News of the new game did not remain secret very long. Mrs. Simmare had friends, Mrs. Eriksson had friends, and Mrs. Richwine had friends. Lilly, Batilde, Wencke, Kindra, and Rita had friends. And furthermore, all the friends just mentioned had friends.

It was not long before the Simmare family and the Eriksson family forgot their rivalry and began cooperating. They both called upon Lilly, Batilde, Wencke, Kindra, and Rita for assistance, and before long, any of the girls could visit either household without being accused of infidelity.

Mrs. Simmare and Mrs, Eriksson were diligent in training their sons for the new sport. They took the task one step at a time, but those steps proved to be very quick steps. First, Randolph and Brandt were not allowed to wear clothes inside the house, even when visitors arrived. Next, they were not allowed to wear clothes in the back yard. After that, they were told to make gradually longer visits in the neighborhood without getting dressed.

Realizing the adage that misery loves company, the two families went to the park together, went shopping together, dined out together, and saw movies together. The sight of two women, two girls, and two conspicuous boys became a familiar sight in the town of Vermilion.

Not to be outdone by Randolph and Brandt, the local juvenile male population followed suit. It became increasingly common for two or more boys to step a few inches outside the door, the next time a little more, and the next time a little more, until finally they were taking walks clear across town.

These developments did not go unnoticed by the local juvenile female population. It was imperative for them to take advantage of the hundreds of male peers roaming the streets in all their glory. The girls organized in small groups and rehearsed each other on their weewee’s and their mommypoo’s. Then they approached any boy they wished to approach. If a boy was flaccid, they tried to do something about it as quickly as possible. If a boy was erect, they saw how long they could keep him stay that way.

The crowning achievement was to spot Randolph and Brandt. If a group of girls saw those two, the girls would scream loud enough to be heard all over the shopping center. Then they would run up to the two celebrities with such fervor that local customers almost got knocked over. Every girl wanted to have her picture taken with her arm around Randolph. Every girl wanted to have her picture taken with her arm around Brandt. For such a possibility, the girls always embarked on their excursions with plenty of film in their cameras.

* * * * *

Before long, the wave was sweeping the whole city. Athletic programs did not bother ordering uniforms for the boys because the boys would not wear them. There was no need for the locks in the boys’ room at the local swimming pool because the boys came and left bearing nothing but a bath towel. Clothing stores took down their boys’ clothing departments because they were not bringing in any business.

A meeting took place at the Community Center. The Recreational Director said, “Nothing draws a community together like a good game. That is why I chose a career as a Recreational Director.”

The Chairman of the Board said, “We certainly have a popular game going on right now, don’t we!”

The Recreational Director said, “We sure do. ‘The P. P. Game,’ they call it. That is why I would like to present a tournament. I bet it would really draw a crowd.”

The Chairman asked, “How many rounds will you play?”

The Director said, “I have no idea how many will sign up. If only two show up, we will play only one round; if four show up, we will play two rounds; if eight show up, we will play three rounds; if sixteen show up, we will play four rounds.”

The Chairman said, “With a craze like this, at least two hundred and fifty-six contestants will show up. Won’t the public get tired of watching eight rounds?”

The Director said, “Maybe you’re right. The way I have it planned, we will first have sort of a competition for the babytalkers. Each babytalker will give a short presentation for the boy contestants, and each boy contestants will decide which two babytalkers he thinks are the best and will assign to one of the other contestants.

“Then we will have a shortlisting. We will set up tables in the recreation room. The staff member at each table will call the candidates on his or her list, and each candidate will have a turn standing at the table, accompanied by two babytalkers chosen by a competing candidate. At the end of the event, we will select the sixteen contestants with the best timing.”

The Chairman rested his chin in his hand. “But what about this Simmare kid and this Eriksson kid. They say those two kids are awfully good. Are the staff members going to wait all night for them?”

The Director said, “No, I’ve thought about that. I decided to declare thirty minutes as a perfect score. They have a maximum score in the bowling alley, so I decided we should have one here too.”

* * * * *

At the babytalkers’ contest, it was intended for all of the boy contestants to sit patiently and listen to all of the babytalker contestants. After hearing all of the babytalker contestants, each candidate was to fill out a ballot selecting one babytalker for two designated competing candidates. Each selection was honored only if it was the earliest selection for that babytalker for that time slot and only if she did not already have ten assignments.

But some of the contestants were too smart for that. By that time, Lilly, Batilde, Wencke, Kindra, and Rita were almost as famous as Randolph and Brandt. Try as the other girls tried, no one could weewee and mommypoo like those five girls weewee’d and mommypoo’d.

There was a long line of contestants who arrived early, filled out their ballots, and left early. When the time for each of those girls arrived, she was told that her schedule had already been made.

* * * * *

Next was the shortlisting event. The Fantastic Five girls were each busy with ten assignments, and that helped tremendously with the shortlisting. Two girls tormented Randolph with everything they had, but it was all in vain. Two girls tormented Brandt with everything they had, but it was all in vain. That was no surprise to anybody. After all, Randolph and Brandt can stand up to the Fantastic Five, can’t they?

* * * * *

The sixteen contestants all checked in for the first round. Our quintessential quintet was there, but only to provide moral support for Randolph and Brandt. Having defeated all their opponents in the shortlisting, they were no longer on the roster.

Randolph lasted for a half hour, Brandt lasted for a half hour, and they were now down to eight contestants.

* * * * *

The quarter final and the semifinal were little different. Randolph and Brandt again maxed out, despite the frantic efforts of the distraught babytalkers. One usually expects a larger audience in each round of a tournament, but in this case, the opposite happened. It did not take a Ouija board to predict how this contest would come out.

* * * * *

The final lasted for one hour. Randolph made his heroic pose while the cameras flashed, then Brandt made his heroic pose while the cameras flashed. Besides the two contestants, the staff member, the four dispirited babytalkers, and the photographer, there were few people in the room. There were a few people in the audience, but they were all asleep.

* * * * *

The contest was over, but every relationship was still alive and well. The children were trying to play drawbridge in the pool, but neither of the boys could supply the necessary erection. Wencke said, “That’s okay, we can still be friends.”
Mrs. Simmare came outside with a handful of mail. “Look what’s on the front page today.”

Everyone gathered around. On the first page of the Virmilion Gazette were two handsome boys in their flaccid splendor, proudly greeting every citizen of Virmilion.

Nobody spoke, because nobody knew what to say.