Sex in the suburbs by Little Joe

[nothingness36]

Little Joe
Sex in the Suburbs - Part 1
Sun Aug 19, 2012 01:24
86.136.34.195

"And the award for the funniest scene in a situation comedy goes to....." The audience held its breath in anticipation... "Sex in the suburbs..."

***********

Laura was doing the ironing, telly switched on and blaring away in the corner of the room as always, when the doorbell rang. She jumped slightly. It might be Dennis! And then she remembered. Dennis had walked out on her. Dennis had said she was just a pathetic little housewife who never achieved anything. She was on her own in this little suburban semi. Alone. Unloved. Unemployed. With just her ironing and the telly. The bell rang again. She switched the telly off.

"Bugger," she thoughts, "it'll be double glazing salesmen, or charity muggers or some such thing."

She couldn't be bothered with chasing them off, but the kitchen door was open and she had a glazed front door. They, whoever it was, could see she was in. She would have to answer the door.

"Not interested. Don't want any. Go away," she said as she opened the door.

"Sorry," the good looking guy with the tousled hair gave her a strange look, "It's all right. I'm not selling anything."

"And I don't want to be saved," said Laura.

"I haven't come to save you," and before she could say anything more he continued, "you see we're shooting a scene for Sex in the Suburbs round here and I'm looking for houses to be used for location shots. Yours would be just perfect. Would you be willing to let us use it? We'd recompense you of course. Say two hundred pounds?"

Laura's mouth dropped. Sex in the Suburbs! It was her favourite show on the telly! It was the flagship show of the new cable and satellite channel, Channel X. It was funny, it was naughty, it was sexy, it was... Well it was everything that Laura's life wasn't. And she was being offered money to use her house, and... She hardly dared ask!

"Can I be in it? I've done amateur dramatics."

Although strictly speaking this was true, as her amateur dramatics had consisted of one walk on part in a school production of A Midsummer Nights Dream, she might perhaps have been accused of a little hyperbole.

The man's face smiled. People always asked that. She might be a bit of a looker, but there were limits! Amateur dramatics indeed!

"I'll ask," he said, best keep the girly interested, and he might get the chance to give her one if she felt grateful. One thing this job had taught him was that it was relatively easy to get into the knickers of bored housewives. "In any case," he went on, "we won't mess your house up. And it's two hundred quid for nothing."

Laura didn't mind the money. It was Sex in the Suburbs. Of course she said yes! She gave him her best '... me' smile and her phone number. You never knew. It might do some good.

Tony ticked another one off his list. Of course she'd agreed. They always agreed. A chance to get your house on the telly and two hundred quid into the bargain - they always agreed. It was a decent enough job being producer of a popular TV show. It had to be done on a budget of course, and a tight one at that. With all the competition from new channels the days when television was a licence to print money were long gone.

Sex still sold though. Not sex in the sense of blatant pornography, the authorities wouldn't stand for that - this wasn't France after all. Nevertheless if it was funny and a bit titillating that was okay; and Sex in the Suburbs was funny and it was more than a bit titillating.

The plot (if it could be said to have one) revolved around the life of 'Donald', a middle aged house husband living on a middle class estate on the edge of a big city in middle England. His wife Marigold was a local politician, a big fish in local government, she went out to work every day leaving Donald to look after the house, the garden and two large labrador dogs. Donald, a rare man in an estate of bored housewives inevitably got into a series of scrapes of a funny and titillating nature. It was a perfect set-up.

Marigold was big, bossy and important; as for Donald, he was your average, rather diffident, but well meaning Englishman. He would have been ideally played by Hugh Grant, but Channel X, being unable to afford Hugh Grant had cast Grant Hughes in the role, and it must be said he had been a great success.

The whole show had been a hit and Tony basked in its reflected glory. His only job was to bring it in under budget.

In the current episode Marigold was standing for election as Mayor and Donald was given the unwelcome task of canvassing the estate door to door. That was why Tony had to find a number of doors for him to canvas. Donald would of course come across plenty of bored housewives and have plenty of scrapes.

*****

"Where to next?" Jim Barnfather looked down at his script. Donald had to knock on the door of a small semi-detached house with a patterned glass front door. The see-through door was important to the script, which was why Laura's house had been chosen.

"Eighteen Appletree Gardens," said Tony, and the crew of eight packed up and set off for Laura's house.

"Where's Tina?" asked Jim.

"Tina?" Tony looked quizzically at him.

"Tina Johnson, you know, playing the housewife when Donald knocks on the door."

"No I don't know. Why should I know? I don't do the casting."

"No, but I told you I wanted Tina."

"No you didn't."

"Well who have you got to play the housewife?"

"Nobody. I haven't got anybody. Who said it was my job?"

"Well who did organise the housewife?"

"You of course. You're the director. You're supposed to organise it."

"I did organise it. I told you to do it."

"No you didn't."

"Are you telling me we haven't got anybody."

"That's about it. We'll just have to film it tomorrow."

"No chance. We're filming in town tomorrow. Can't muck up the schedules. Time's money."

"Well, we haven't got anybody."

"Then get me somebody. That's your job."

Tony groaned inwardly. He might have been designated producer, but his role was really to make things run smoothly. Smooth running meant him finding a stand-in. He suddenly had a brainwave.

"I think I know somebody who can do it. She'd look right for the part. She's done some acting."

He didn't mention that the person he had in mind was girly from the house, or that her acting had consisted only of amateur dramatics, or that he guessed he was on an offer if he got her the part; economy with the truth was sometimes the best option.

"And she'll do it."

"She begged me to get her a part!"

"Well get her then."

Tony pulled out his phone and dialled Laura's number. It was engaged.

Laura was on the phone to Barbara. Barbara, who was chair of the WI and leader of the social set on the estate.

Barbara was green with envy, not that she would say as much, but Laura could tell. Her house on Sex in the Suburbs - she was bound to be green with envy.

After ten minutes of lording it over Barbara she put down her phone. It rang immediately.

"Laura," she heard Tony's voice on the end of the phone. Oh no! He was going to call the whole thing off, and after she had been showing off to Barbara.

"Yes," she said, heart in mouth.

"Laura, you know how you said you would like a part in the piece..." She had a sudden surge of excitement.

"Yes..."

"Well I moved heaven and earth. Went down on my bended knees to the director... Swore to him that you would be the best person... Got you the role of the housewife..."

"I don't know what to say," Laura gasped. It was a dream of a lifetime come true.

"You'll do it? Please don't back out now. I've staked my reputation on you."

Back out! There was no way she was going to back out.

"Of course I'll do it. There's no way I'd miss this. You can rely on me. I won't let you down! And," she thought she'd better add, "you can collect your reward after the show."

Good, thought Tony. She's committed. And he was going to get in her knickers. Sometimes he loved his job.


Little Joe
Sex in the Suburbs - Part 2
Sun Aug 19, 2012 01:25
86.136.34.195

Laura wondered who this army of people were who descended on her house to shoot the scene. She counted twenty-three of them; what they all did she couldn't guess. There was one bloke whose only job seemed to be to stand with an aerosol spray in his hand. What he was going to spray she had no idea. Soon the place was strewn with cables, sound booms were assembled, cameras arranged inside and outside the house.

Tony was with Laura in her sitting room. She had had her hair done and everything.

"What do I have to say?" Asked Laura, "do I have a script?"

"Nothing at all," said Tony, "basically all you have to do is open the door and stand there."

"What's funny about that?"

"Well you see. You've just come out of the shower and you're wearing just a little towel. It's Donald's reaction that's funny. He's really embarrassed and he gabbles on and all you have to do is nod your head."

"What! Just out the shower! I can't do that."

Tony groaned inwardly. She was going to be difficult. Didn't want to show any flesh.

"I've just had my hair done," wailed Laura, "I can't get it all wet."

"All in the name of art," said Tony.

"Oh," Laura accepted her fate. It was a pity though. The hair do had set her back twenty-five quid.

"I'd better change into a swimsuit to wear under the towel. I've got a strapless one."

"Well, that's the tricky bit," said Tony, he would have to get her onside now, "you see what makes it really funny, what makes the scene in fact, why we need a good looking girl like you, why we needed a glass door is well..."

"Is what?"

"Well Donald sees you come out the shower through the glass door, and he can tell you've got no clothes on, and the viewer can see you've got no clothes on."

"You mean I'm in the nuddy..."

"Well, er... Yes."

"Completely?"

"Nothing on?"

"Not a stitch. You don't mind do you? I told the director you were an experienced actress. That you were used to this sort of thing. I didn't think you were some sort of sensitive amateur. And we're absolutely relying on you."

Laura swallowed hard. Nude with all those people looking. It was too embarrassing for words. She was so shy about nudity. But then actresses weren't, were they, and she couldn't admit to not being a proper actress. And she had asked to do it, and he had moved everything to get her the part, and they were relying on her.

"Not in the least," she gulped, "I don't mind at all."

"Yes you do," thought Tony, it was pretty obvious, but what he said was, "I knew you were a real trouper!"

"Well yes. I'll do it. I won't let you down."

"Good girl," said Tony. He'd never doubted it. He could persuade anybody to do anything. She wouldn't even have to drop her knickers for him afterwards. She wouldn't be wearing any!

"Now go and wet your hair and take your clothes off. We're ready to start shooting.

Poor Laura had never been so embarrassed in her life. She could feel her face beetroot red and the flush spread down over her ample bosoms; her skin was all goose bumps and her nipples were hard and erect. She was standing stark naked in front of Jim Barnfather the director who was looking her up and down. She was trying not to look like a frightened rabbit and using all her will power to keep her hands by her sides.

What was she doing! Standing in front of all these people in the nude. And just a couple of hours ago it had been an ordinary day.

Jim had a frown on his face. She was an absolute stunner! Pretty face, good figure, but best of all big boobs. He could do a lot with those boobs, in the way of Donald staring at them. He wondered where Tony had got her from. She was obviously a porn star from somewhere because...

"Get 'em down Darling..."

"What?"

"It's not a porn movie today it's a family sitcom. I have to follow the rules."

"Sorry, what rules?" Laura blushed more furiously than ever.

'Brilliant', thought Jim she could even blush to order.

"You're nips Darling."

"My nips?" Laura was genuinely confused.

"Yes - your nipples. We have rules for family shows Darling. We can show nude girls from the rear, provided they're not bending over, top half only from the front unless they are more than twenty yards away and then only if the nipples aren't erect. I know you normally have to get them up Darling, but for this show get them down please."

The rebuke had its effect. Laura felt her nipples subside with remarkable speed. Jim gave a sigh. These porn stars! They could get their nipples up and down at will. He didn't know how they did it!

"Well done Darling," said Jim, "Right! We're ready to go. Now Darling you come through that door and stand in beside the door nice and nude so that Donald can get a good eyeful through the frosted glass. Then pick up the towel and slowly cover yourself up with it."

Laura tried to do as she was told, but as soon as she came through the door she saw the cameras pointing at her and suddenly she realised she was being filmed nude for the television. Her nipples went straight back up.

Nervously she bent over to pick up the towel off the floor.

"Cut!"

Jim came over to her exasperated, bloody porno actresses, "Don't bend over Darling. This isn't one of your porn movies. You never know what the viewers might see."

"I thought you were just filming through the door," poor Laura was blushing furiously. What had they all seen when she bent over!

"Just stoop gracefully Darling, don't worry about what we're filming. Run along there, there's a good girl," he patted her on her bare behind to send her out again.

Laura did the scene over again. She hadn't realised the camera inside the house was filming her while she was naked! She had thought that was just for when she had the towel on. What had she let herself in for!

She stooped to pick up the towel and turned to open the door.

"Cut!"

"What's the matter," stuttered Laura, were they never going to finish.

"Your nips are back up Darling. Can't have you with your nips up. Viewers wouldn't like it. Walter!"

It turned out that Walter was the man with the spray can.

"Give her nipples a spray Walter."

Walter looked at Jim a bit puzzled.

"It's Hinge Ease," he said, "For squeaky doors."

"I know that," said Jim, "But it's all we've got."

Laura had never had her nipples squirted with lubricating oil before, but it seemed to do the trick.

"And down below," said Jim, "you never know."

"What!" cried Laura, suddenly clamping her hands between her legs.

Jim laughed, "Only joking Darling!"

He loved taking the Micky out of these porno girls!

"Right! Once more Darling," and this time her behind got a squeeze.

Nipples safely down Laura went through the scene again.

"Cut! It's a wrap. Well done Darling. See, you can do it when you try. Now the next scene. All you have to do is open the door and leave the rest to us."

The cameras rolled. 'Donald' knocked on the door again and Laura opened it. Her mouth fell open. Not only was Donald standing there gabbling his lines. Behind him a few yards away Barbara and half a dozen of the members of the WI had joined most of the rest of her street in watching the filming with interest.

Oh My God! What would they think! They'd have seen her naked through the door. What they had thought about that however was of only fleeting interest, as all of a sudden she felt a tug at the back of her towel and it fell to the ground leaving her standing stark naked in her doorway. Lubricated nipples on the way back up.

Jim smiled to himself at his cleverness at not letting the little porno actress know what was going to happen. She couldn't act her way out of a paper bag, but her sudden nudity in front of everyone had produced the exact look of startled surprise on her face that he wanted. They had got her from all angles. It was perfect.

He was just about to call cut when something most extraordinary happened.

It must be said, and people did say it afterwards when they discussed the situation, that it wasn't Jim's fault. They pointed out the fact that Tony had been economical with the truth, that he hadn't told Jim that Laura was the person who lived in the house; they pointed out the fact that Laura's pin-up girl looks had led him to believe that she was a porn model (though why the one should necessarily imply the other wasn't clear) and Laura had not disabused him of this belief. If, they said, Jim had known who Laura was he would never have suddenly and unexpectedly exposed her completely nude to the gawping crowd of friends and neighbours.

But exposed to her friends and neighbours was how Laura found herself and there at the front of them was Barbara. She was no longer green. She was perhaps a rather bright shade of crimson, that being the colour that Barbara went when she was doubled up with laughter.

It may be said then that Laura saw red both literally and figuratively. Being suddenly exposed completely nude in front of your gawping neighbours has different effects on different people.

On Laura it had three effects: firstly a loud scream, secondly an initial attempt to cover her girly parts with her hands and thirdly an intense desire to kick somebody in the unmentionables.

It was unfortunate for 'Donald' that he was standing in front of her.

[Dariesse]

Absolutely cracked up at that scene in 'Sex in the Suburbs' by Little Joe! Comedy at its finest. By the way, stumbled upon phima1.xyz recently – it's surprisingly tasteful for adult content. Everyone's got their thing, right?